Category Archives: Dying

Good Night

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Nate and I had the luxury of sleeping in a king size bed for four years. As we sixty-somethings age, we appreciate a good night’s sleep more and more, because it’s harder and harder to get.

Our king, purchased to celebrate our 60th birthdays, used to be in a downstairs bedroom and was available to more than just Nate and I. Volumes of girl-talk happened on that bed, as well as lounging amongst the giant pillows while watching TV. Sick kids spent their day in it, and Louisa slept there for a week after her painful tonsillectomy. Friends of our kids claimed it was “the world’s most comfy bed.”

BarracksA year after Nate died, the king got dismantled and moved from our cottage bedroom to the room next door, an Army-style bed-barracks decorated, coincidentally, in olive drab. Beds filled the floor space for group sleeping when crowds came to town, and the addition of a California king meant sleeping three more.

I went back to sleeping on our old double bed with its well-worn sheets, but once it was set up in my room where the king had been, it looked small.

“Set-back!” it shouted.

I thought, “If only I didn’t need sleep and could stay up all night, every night. Better yet, if only night wouldn’t come at all and the sun would never set…”

Right then God moved into that scene and comforted me with fresh thoughts: Nate isn’t using a bed in his new home and doesn’t miss either our king size or the double. So he gets to stay awake “around the clock” and never has to face a lonely night, because there’s no night there. All of that was good news to me, because it describes my future, too.

Heaven's LightI’m still bound by day and night, work and sleep. But after I die, after all of us die, we’ll be free of this cycle, one of unnumbered heavenly blessings. Nate didn’t sleep well most nights, although it might have been those 15 cups of coffee he drank each day. The fact that he’ll never face another night of tossing and turning is great joy for him.

But for the rest of us, nighttime can be riddled with problems: difficulty getting to sleep or staying that way, nightmares, fear of noises or break-ins, feelings of vulnerability, and the chronic dilemma of every daytime predicament growing greater during the night. When nighttime disappears, so will these problems.

I still don’t like nighttime without Nate, but the old double bed gives me a pretty good night’s sleep. And because Nate and I slept in it for 36 years, it feels familiar, like spending the night with an old friend again.

“Night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light.” (Revelation 22:5)

Does “Father Know Best”?

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God is full of surprises. He doesn’t think like we do, plan like we do, or respond to circumstances like we do. He has no limitations and never runs out of ideas. He never has to rack his brain or wonder, “What should I do?”

That’s because he’s God, in the top slot, in all categories.

Father Knows BestGrowing up in the 1950’s, my family didn’t watch much TV. Television was new, and there wasn’t a whole lot to look at. By 10:30 PM, the national anthem was played, and all programming ceased until morning. One show we did find to watch, though, was “Father Knows Best.”

Mary and I have sweet memories of our relationship with the Andersons, a family much like ours with two girls, one boy, a home in the suburbs and a daddy who walked in each evening wearing a hat and carrying a newspaper. Tonight we watched one of those black and white episodes from 1958. Just hearing the theme music was a thrill, and seeing our old “friends” again was a pleasure.

Saint PeterIn tonight’s story, the father, Jim, finds himself facing Saint Peter at heaven’s pearly gates. Peter is assessing whether or not Jim ought to “get in.” When he questions him about a decision he made, Jim says, “That was an especially difficult one.”

Peter says, “Naturally it was difficult. It’s part of our Master Plan. We do that purposefully. We keep throwing difficult choices in your path to test you.”

Without realizing it, this script line had made a scriptural point. And because of God’s perfect analysis of every person and what each needs, we can believe there are exceedingly important reasons for the “difficult choices” that are “thrown” at us.

I think back to 5 years ago at this time, when we knew nothing about Nate’s cancer but were about to find out. God had already decided on the test, had put the details in place, and had lit the circumstantial fuse. The difficult choices Saint Peter mentioned were barreling toward our family. The same can be said of Mary’s cancer just before it was discovered 5 months ago.

In each case, once we got the bad news, each day after that became a mini-test within the larger test, all of them exceedingly difficult. Television-Peter summed up the dilemma by saying, “It’s the decisions you make that shape you into what you are.”

While we knit our brows and wrestle with the tough tests, there’s a choice we can make up front that will facilitate the rest: choosing to believe each test does come from an all-wise God, a Father who always does know best.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)

You never know…

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Baby MomMom was born in 1912. Arriving several weeks prematurely, she was the fourth baby in her family. Because she was tiny, the doctor told her parents, “Don’t give her a name. She’s not going to make it, so you don’t want to get too attached.”

But Mom fooled everybody; she lived to be 92. You just never know…

Nelson at 9 monthsOur firstborn nearly died at nine months with a case of croup we thought was just laryngitis. When he couldn’t sleep for all the coughing, we called the doctor, who sent us to the hospital. En route, the baby went limp, his eyes rolled back, and we were terrified.

Thanks to quick, discerning doctors, he lived, and after four days in the hospital, he slowly recuperated. When it was all over, Nate and I fell apart, realizing how close we’d come to losing our little guy. You just never know…

Fast forward to 2009, when Nate and I relocated to Michigan. His plan had been to continue full time lawyering for two more years, then gradually scale back. But “untimely” cancer arrived, and 42 days later, our plans were shelved. Nate died “ahead of schedule” at 64. We hadn’t planned on that, but you just never know…

Celebrating lifeLast February my sister Mary learned that after 70 healthy years, she, too, was slated to tangle with cancer. Since then it’s been 1 major surgery, a couple of minor ones, and 3 months of chemo. We’re all hoping she’ll live to be an old lady, and so far so good. But as she says, you never know…

None of us ever knows. The biblical Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, but King David’s baby died as a newborn.  When we were born, God didn’t promise old age, yet we find ourselves angry when someone is taken “before their time.” If they’ve died, though, it was their time. We can’t know ahead, because God doesn’t tell.

???????????????????????????????The Bible describes long life as a blessing, and everyone seems to want it. Mom was thankful for her long life and lived each day vigorously, but in her last years she often said, “Old age isn’t for sissies.” Troubles of all kinds pile high on the elderly, weighing them down with woe, and she was no exception. In order for anyone to handle those burdensome days, great stores of wisdom and godliness are a prerequisite. So when we wish for longevity, we’re signing up for the toughest challenge of our lives.

You just never know…    But then maybe it’s better that way.

”No man has power over the wind to contain it; so no one has power over the day of his death.” (Ecclesiastes 8:8)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. I’m thankful nausea continues to be mild.
  2. And my new feeding tube, a different system than the old one, feels much better. PTL!