The school year was passing, and Nate’s and my relationship was gaining strength – from my point of view, too. And then, as before, my old boyfriend resurfaced. He called and invited me to play a few games of the wonder sport, tennis, and springy weather made his request tempting. Everything in me screamed, “Don’t!”
But I did.
I knew I loved Nate. But I knew I had loved the other guy, too, and such strong feelings don’t just poof away. They need time to diminish. I didn’t tell anyone I was meeting him, knowing they’d all call me a fool. And deep inside, I knew that’s what I was.
After our tennis, we went out to eat and then back to his place where we talked and talked – till 5:30 AM. He told me he still felt about me the same way he did when we were in a romantic relationship. I was flattered… and nervous. I told him about Nate, that we were seeing a lot of each other, and he disapproved. No surprise. I sensed that once I left him that night, I’d never be back. Spending all that time with him was much like someone starting a new diet plan but bingeing the night before.
The next day, however, I had to pay the piper. I needed to tell Nate about the date when we met in Champaign — but only at the right moment. Expecting he would respond with patient acceptance as before, I was in for a big surprise.
April 10, 1969 – Dear Nate. While I was getting organized for our upcoming weekend, I was munching on a piece of the salt water taffy you gave me, and out came one of my fillings! So I had to take time off to visit the dentist. I didn’t want that big hole to ruin our weekend with its zapping pain each time I bit down on it. But now, all is well. And I’ll see you very soon! Love, and more love, Meg
April 10, 1969 – Dearest Meg. Your idea about visiting me during your spring break is great! When is it? I have upcoming exams and an Army Field Exercise, but don’t worry about these. I would love you to be with me during them. I got to see your daily teaching routine, so it would be good for you to see my disorganized life of counseling, law, and ROTC.
After the weekend:
April 14, 1969 – To my dear Nate. This weekend was a jewel. (Military Ball, right)
I do believe both you and I had a spiritual awakening on Easter night a week ago. It was real for both of us, a milestone in our lives. In Christ I love you, and as Nate Nyman I love you, too. I’m feeling so differently about you these days.
April 14, 1969 – Dearest Meg. You know in your heart how much I love you and want to be with you. I am extremely pleased that you enjoyed the weekend. And as soon as you make a commitment to me, we can be engaged. However, to protect my own emotions, I am going to date others also. Believe me, before I told you this on the weekend, I was on the point of falling in total and complete worshipful love of you. At the same time I knew you were not ready to commit yourself to me. That was wounding. But I still do love you.
April 17, 1969 – Dear Nate. The letter I received from you today was well written and meaningful. I read it 4 times. I was so glad I heard from you today. I think if I hadn’t, I really would have been in a bad way. This week has been very confusing. There is a barrier building between us, although sometimes I feel we are closer than ever. One minute I’m thrashing myself for remaining undecided when asked for a commitment by such a fine person as you, and I ache at knowing how unfair I’m being. But then I wonder if those thoughts are what should persuade me. I’m so sorry.
“It is the Spirit who gives life. The flesh is no help at all.” (John 6:63)
As Nate and I sat next to each other, my crying gradually tapered off and finally stopped. But we sat there a long time. He softly spoke words of loving commitment to me but promised we wouldn’t marry unless I was completely sure. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him to speak those words. He was all-in, and I had one foot out the door.
