Category Archives: Forgiveness

Frozen Solid

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Last weekend we reached the middle of December, and in southwest Michigan we’ve had 3 snowstorms with colder-than-usual temps. It’s the kind of weather that makes us start the car 10 minutes ahead of departure to let it warm up.

A frozen beachAt the beach, ice-dunes have begun to build, and the creek has morphed into a skating pond. None of us were ready for winter’s fast arrival, and we hadn’t even brought home all of our beach chairs yet.

Frozen solidYesterday, while waiting at the bank drive-through, I saw a perfect picture of winter’s speedy onset. A gutter drain had frozen solid right in the middle of emptying itself.

Sometimes “cold experiences” come to us just as fast and unexpectedly. We might get the cold shoulder from someone we were close to, unable to figure out how we got in the relationship deep-freeze. We don’t know what to do next and feel blocked from reconciling, frozen in our tracks, so to speak.

“The relationship has gone cold,” we say, as we experience icy rejection.

Sunday morning at church a friend in her 80’s was describing how she struggles with the cold, especially with ice beneath her unsteady feet. Suddenly she straightened herself and said, “Well, spring can’t be far behind.” Chuckling, she walked away, leaving me with a furrowed brow.

“That’s crazy talk,” I thought. “It’s not even officially winter yet!”

What she meant, though, was that in the midst of the freezing-cold weather, she knew for sure her future was going to include warmth and ice-free walking.

The same can apply to our cold relationships. Though circumstances seem frozen and we think they’ll never thaw, God has a few suggestions for warming things up. He says, “First of all, pull Me into the mix. Just as I insist every harsh winter eventually give way to spring, I know how to thaw cold relationships and can teach you how.”

He doesn’t say it’s easy, but here are 10 of his surefire ways to melt icy situations and bring relationship-springs:

  • Talk in a soft voice. (Proverbs 15:1)
  • Speak evil of no one. (Titus 3:2)
  • Never avenge yourselves, but leave that to God. (Romans 12:19)
  • Never be irritable or resentful. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
  • With a tender heart, forgive each other. (Ephesians 4:32)
  • Show perfect courtesy toward all people. (Titus 3:2)
  • Never be arrogant or rude. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
  • Be open to reason, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)
  • Never repay evil for evil. (Romans 12:17)
  • Don’t insist on your own way. (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Frozen creekIf we follow these biblical guidelines, even those relationships that are frozen solid will experience a warming trend soon.

”Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’  Then you will shine…. like stars in the sky.” (Philippians 2:14-15)

Practice gets messy.

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I'm a mess.Emerald is slowly learning to feed herself, and it’s not a pretty picture. One favorite menu is peanut butter on rice cakes with a banana chaser, a combo that evolves into a goo she then uses to finger-paint a nearby window.

It’s interesting that after she’s been eating for a while, suddenly she’ll hold out her hand and make the sound of distress: “Ooo, ooo, ooo!” which translates, “Oh no! I’m messy! Wipe me off!” How she can be elbow-deep in sticky PB and slimy banana for 20 minutes before noticing is a mystery.

Wipe me...Learning something new can be sticky/slimy/gooey for all of us. For sure it’s messy as we struggle to gain expertise in an area we know nothing about. Tradition says practice makes perfect, but equally true is that practice gets messy.

For example, let’s take Nelson Mandela. After his death last Thursday, the general public heard a running narrative of his many accomplishments, but it was two personal statements he made himself that impressed me most.

 

The first dealt with the men who sentenced him to a life in prison (which lasted 27 years). Mandela said he had forgiven them completely, an impressive achievement in my book.

The second was spoken in reference to his parenting. He said that being the president of a country was a good thing, but that being a father was far more important. Only a president could say such a thing with authority.

Both of these things, forgiveness and fathering (or mothering), take oodles of practice before we get them right. In the process of learning how, we might make some impressive messes and much like Emerald, not even realize it until we’re up to our elbows.

Nelson MandelaIn Mandela’s case, he never regretted forgiving his accusers, insisting there was no benefit to revenge. Somehow he learned that difficult lesson through the pain of imprisonment. He did, however, have regrets about the fathering of his 6 children, much of it done “through a glass” in the prison visiting room.

Later he pondered aloud whether it was right or wrong to forfeit time with his own family (staying in prison longer than was required) in a commitment to help the families of others. It was a sticky issue indeed.

What’s true for all of us is that life’s most important ventures usually include a steep learning curve. Thankfully God is ready with valuable tutoring for the asking, and Scripture promises he’ll instruct us. This doesn’t mean he’ll show us how to crochet an afghan or change a tire, but he’ll definitely instruct us in all things godly, such as how to forgive, or how to parent.

Maybe someday...And if we don’t let messy failures get the best of us, we’ll make steady progress…. just like Emerald will one day know how to eat without needing a full bath afterwards.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” (Psalm 32:8-9)

Fit for Use

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The morning after Thanksgiving, while unloading the dishwasher, I noticed that nearly every piece of flatware we owned had been used the day before. The silverware basket was bulging with its load and represented about 10 pounds of knives, forks, and spoons nestled together in close quarters. But when I slid them out of the basket, each piece was sparkling clean.

UtensilsSince one of my sister’s 30-somethings and one of mine had signed on for Thanksgiving “clean-up”, they had done all the dishes the night before. And as I looked at that pile of sparkling knives, forks, and spoons, it was a marvel the dishwasher had transformed them so easily and thoroughly. The last time I’d seen them, they’d been gunked up with bits of turkey, greasy stuffing, and mashed potatoes. And they were unfit to use again until each had been dealt with “personally” by being cleaned. That included being stuffed into the dishwasher basket, followed by contact with soap, water, and heat.

The same is true of our inner selves. Each of us is continually fighting against smudges on us that are rightfully called sins. If we accumulate too many of them at once, we become unfit for God’s use, much like the dirty silverware. Every sin has to be dealt with personally, one at a time, and if we ignore them and let them pile onto us, the purposes God originally planned for us cannot be achieved.

Just like there are specific purposes for clean knives, forks, and spoons, each of us has a purpose, too, something God intended from the beginning. And within us he has established the abilities and talents we need to get his intended plans accomplished. Not only that, he made us so that we’d experience rich satisfaction in carrying out the very things he had in mind for us to do.

But just like dirty silverware has no purpose until it’s been cleaned, we, too, have to be clean to be used.

Fit for useThankfully there’s a way to get that done, and it’s linked to Jesus Christ. If we maintain a tender conscience toward our own sins, labeling them for what they are, he invites us to come to him for cleansing and promises to do it. Just like that dirty silverware, we can get sparkling clean again, becoming fit for his use because of his willingness to forgive us.

This Thanksgiving we decided to go casual, which is why I used my stainless steel flatware. I do own some sterling, but it seemed out of place with the rest of our décor. Maybe there is a place for the far more valuable sterling, though; once we’ve sought forgiveness and received clean-again status from the Lord, he views us as having the same sterling character as his Son. And that, he can use.

“We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)