Category Archives: Friendship

Sister-Advantage

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Tonight this blog post is taking the first step on a long and possibly difficult journey. The day after Valentines Day, we as an extended family learned that my sister Mary had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This discovery was like a sledge hammer to the chest, especially since Nate died of that very thing 4 years ago.

But before I share the details of these last pain-filled days, I’d like to begin on a positive note. So I’m posting a blog about Mary written in happier times, 3 years ago. Then tomorrow, we’ll hear from Mary herself, about her new diagnosis.

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Extra effortMy sister Mary and I were born 20 months apart. She’s older… and much wiser. Mary’s been my leader and defender since I was born, and I don’t deserve her.

For example, she’s given her last two Fridays to me as a painting partner at the cottage, priming and then semi-glossing the woodwork around all my new windows. In the process she also accomplished the thankless job of painting our “Harry Potter Closet,” the hard-to-reach cubbyhole under the stairs. But painting the underside of steps while lying on her stomach and twisting her neck upward was no problem for Mary. “I’d love to do it,” she said.

And that’s her, always saying, “I’d love to do it.”

Coffee MugYears ago one of my friends gave me a coffee mug that says, “No, I can’t bring 4 dozen cookies. Next question?” I love my mug and quickly related to its sentiment. Mary, however, probably wouldn’t be able to drink from it. She’d rather bake the cookies.

Mom once told me, “Next to your father, Mary is the most Christ-like person I know.” She was right. Mary’s always thinking one step ahead of the rest of us. For instance, she keeps my calendar commitments in her head along with her own, hoping she can help. She’ll say, “Do you have a ride to the airport on the 5th? If not, I’ll take you.” I’m thinking, “Where am I going on the 5th?” and she’s already arranging transportation. But that’s Mary, the biblical poster child for putting the interests of another ahead of her own.

M & MAs little girls we were polar opposites. She was quiet; I was boisterous. She was careful; I was sloppy. She obeyed the rules; I tested them. Yet somehow our relationship grew into a strong friendship that’s only gotten stronger with the decades. I’m continually learning from her sterling example and will never catch up.

When Nate had his cancer, she and I often left the house briefly to have prayer times in her car. When I held back tears at the cottage to spare children and grandchildren, beach walks with Mary were my safe times to open the flood gates. When Nate died, Mary was there, as she had been for days leading up to that. And in the 15 months since I’ve become a widow, she’s driven from Chicago to Michigan every Thursday to spend several days cheering and fortifying her grieving sister.

Best of all, though, is our relationship as sisters-in-the-Lord. Mary knows her Bible (because she reads it through each year), and I often ask, “Where is that one verse about…?” She knows. As a Bible study leader she studies Scripture intently and has, in the process, become more and more like its Author. As Mom said, Christ-like.

Beach bumsToday after cleaning her paint brush and pulling on her boots she said, “What are you planning to blog about tonight?”

I said, “You.”

“Oh no. You shouldn’t.”

But of course, I knew she’d say that.

“She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” (Luke 10:39)

Melting the Ice

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???????????????????????????????We in the Midwest continue to experience temperatures far lower than the inside of my food freezer in the basement. Every time I walk Jack, I “hear the snow crunch…” (to quote a popular song). It’s that special sound a sub-zero snow pack makes beneath my boots. But the neighborhood is striking in its winter attire and begs me to run back home for my camera.

Icicle HansSome of winter’s best visuals can be the icicles hang- ing from people’s houses. I remember our children orchestrating sword fights with 4 foot long ones and pleading with me to store bunches of icicles in our freezer for summertime fun.

One year an energetic eight-year-old “planted” rows of straight-up icicles all over the yard, which resembled a sparkling crystal garden. Another winter we made use of smaller icicles as ice cubes in our cold drinks. The refrigerator had died, and while we were shopping for a new one, icicle stir-sticks worked perfectly.

Mega-icicleThis winter, we can boast an icicle to end all icicles. It hangs from the upper corner of our front porch to the ground, a length of about 11 feet. Thirteen inches across at the top, it is absolutely gorgeous, and today I spent time studying it.

I don’t understand how water can melt in order to form icicles when the thermometer reads -10, but drip by drip this once-tiny icicle grew into a massive one. Such slow, steady growth can be a picture of the way other life-buildups can occur, too, such as the subtle way a good relationship can become frosty, little by little.

Small negatives can start to obstruct a friendship, for example, the way a tiny bit of ice clogs a drain pipe. Though the damage isn’t immediately visible, it forms the base-layer for further buildup. Drip, freeze, drip, freeze.

Icicle LinneaIncident upon incident causes increasing blockage until the rapport between two people has become frozen. Eventually others see it too, and suddenly we wonder how such an icy atmosphere was able to build up between us.

God wants us to act warmly toward each other and will never leave us out in the cold. Instead, he’ll take one of two approaches to thaw icy relationships. Either he’ll melt them slowly with the words of Scripture, or he’ll whack the ice down in one fell swoop.

Neighbors have told me I should use a shovel to knock the icicles off my gutters, since they’re heavy and can do permanent damage. Frozen friendships feel heavy, too, and sometimes swift intervention (i.e. a whack) is the only way to begin warming the affections between two people.

PuddleHowever God does it, we do know he wants us to act lovingly toward one another. And just like the warmth of spring will eventually melt our giant icicle, so the breath of God’s Spirit will melt the ice between two people…. every time.

“The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.” (Job 33:4)

Frozen Solid

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Last weekend we reached the middle of December, and in southwest Michigan we’ve had 3 snowstorms with colder-than-usual temps. It’s the kind of weather that makes us start the car 10 minutes ahead of departure to let it warm up.

A frozen beachAt the beach, ice-dunes have begun to build, and the creek has morphed into a skating pond. None of us were ready for winter’s fast arrival, and we hadn’t even brought home all of our beach chairs yet.

Frozen solidYesterday, while waiting at the bank drive-through, I saw a perfect picture of winter’s speedy onset. A gutter drain had frozen solid right in the middle of emptying itself.

Sometimes “cold experiences” come to us just as fast and unexpectedly. We might get the cold shoulder from someone we were close to, unable to figure out how we got in the relationship deep-freeze. We don’t know what to do next and feel blocked from reconciling, frozen in our tracks, so to speak.

“The relationship has gone cold,” we say, as we experience icy rejection.

Sunday morning at church a friend in her 80’s was describing how she struggles with the cold, especially with ice beneath her unsteady feet. Suddenly she straightened herself and said, “Well, spring can’t be far behind.” Chuckling, she walked away, leaving me with a furrowed brow.

“That’s crazy talk,” I thought. “It’s not even officially winter yet!”

What she meant, though, was that in the midst of the freezing-cold weather, she knew for sure her future was going to include warmth and ice-free walking.

The same can apply to our cold relationships. Though circumstances seem frozen and we think they’ll never thaw, God has a few suggestions for warming things up. He says, “First of all, pull Me into the mix. Just as I insist every harsh winter eventually give way to spring, I know how to thaw cold relationships and can teach you how.”

He doesn’t say it’s easy, but here are 10 of his surefire ways to melt icy situations and bring relationship-springs:

  • Talk in a soft voice. (Proverbs 15:1)
  • Speak evil of no one. (Titus 3:2)
  • Never avenge yourselves, but leave that to God. (Romans 12:19)
  • Never be irritable or resentful. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
  • With a tender heart, forgive each other. (Ephesians 4:32)
  • Show perfect courtesy toward all people. (Titus 3:2)
  • Never be arrogant or rude. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
  • Be open to reason, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)
  • Never repay evil for evil. (Romans 12:17)
  • Don’t insist on your own way. (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Frozen creekIf we follow these biblical guidelines, even those relationships that are frozen solid will experience a warming trend soon.

”Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’  Then you will shine…. like stars in the sky.” (Philippians 2:14-15)