Category Archives: God’s plans for us

The Journal: Gratitude and Grace

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While Nate was struggling with his cancer, he often thanked me for helping him. He’d notice every little favor and then voice gratitude: “Thanks for reheating my coffee. Thanks for bringing me my good pen. Thanks for getting the mail.” Frequently he’d go a step farther and add, “You’re a good wife.”

I recall one moment as his physical strength was waning rapidly. I’d assisted with uncapping his toothpaste, getting him dressed and settling him into his lazy-boy. These mini-tasks were not difficult and took only a few minutes. After he was comfortable, I said, “Can I get you anything?”

He grabbed my hand, looked up at me with aching eyes and said, “What does a person do if they don’t have someone like you?”

It was an important moment as he acknowledged his helplessness, a guy who’d always run his life on fast-forward but now couldn’t even pull on his own socks. To be the helper is to demonstrate strength; to be the helped is to accept weakness.

Much of being able to handle serious sickness is coming to a place of need, then willingly accepting it. Nate could have morphed into a grumpy old man but instead became increasingly grateful.

How does an independent person, particularly a man who has been the head of a household and the one to lead, humble himself to be served? In Nate’s case, I believe the only explanation is that he and the Lord had been working together behind the scenes.

After we learned Nate had something wrong with his liver and pancreas, but before we knew it was cancer, I wrote out a prayer for him:

“As a result of the many difficulties Nate’s had and continues to have, I pray he will come to know you, Lord, in ways he never has before. Cause him to see new and spectacular things in your Word. In his feelings of weakness may he not despair but seek comfort from you to carry him through this misery. May he feel deep contentment and peace after placing himself in your care. Please do your heart-and-mind work within all of us to pull us through this health crisis.”

I realize, in looking back, how dramatically God answered those requests. Nate now “knows the Lord in ways he never has before,” because he’s in his very presence! He has “seen new and spectacular things” about God’s Word… because Jesus himself is the Word (John 1:1-2), and Nate is literally in his company! I prayed God would “carry him through this misery,” which he certainly did, bringing him straight into paradise! I asked that Nate feel deep contentment and peace in God’s care, a perfect description of his current heavenly existence. And Nate has been literally “pulled through his health crisis” into physical perfection.

He made a dramatic personal transformation during the six weeks he had cancer. He changed from a nervous, fearful Type A into a mellow, accepting man of tranquility. Because of steadily increasing pain and daily losses, this change goes against all logic, pointing instead to God’s work in Nate’s life.

Just as Nate was thankful for my help back then, today I am thankful for his excellent example and for God’s direct involvement in causing it.

“ ‘Because your heart was tender and you humbled yourself before God when you heard His words…. and because you humbled yourself before Me…. I truly have heard you,’ declares the Lord.” (2 Chronicles 34:27)

The Journal: A While in Denial

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Although a year ago Nate’s bad back was forcing him to deal with a boatload of trouble, the cancer diagnosis didn’t surface until the end of September. Symptoms of its secret presence were evident much earlier, but none of us knew its name.

When Nate began losing weight, which might have been a clue, we attributed it to his lessened appetite because of increased pain in his back. Then he began receiving compliments. “You look good! Losing weight?” Having put on quite a few middle-age-pounds in recent years, he enjoyed the accolades and decided to work at losing more, taking smaller portions and eliminating desserts.

When he continued to lose, we were both proud of him. I said, “You men are so lucky. One little dietary change and the pounds melt away.” How could something that looked so good be so insidious?

In August, when he began complaining of a stomach ache, which was probably his pancreas immediately next to the stomach, even his back doctor agreed it was probably the pain meds irritating him. The solution was to change his prescription.

When extreme exhaustion swamped him and he trudged up the stairs to collapse on the bed by 7:00 PM, he credited his age. “I think this is just what mid-sixties feels like,” he said.

When he developed a wisp of wheezing at the end of each breath, we labeled it “stress”. When he ran an occasional fever, he asked for ginger ale and said, “I should have gotten a flu shot.”

The mind is a complicated piece of equipment. One of its best tricks is to filter bad news through a screen of let’s-ponder-that-later. And both of our brains bought into every logical reason for dismissing cancer’s symptoms.

It’s not all bad that we spent a while in denial. When bad news comes crashing in, the brain has work to do and needs a buffer zone in which to do it. This week I learned via email of a good friend’s new cancer diagnosis. After my gasp in front of the computer screen and a spontaneous rush of sadness for him and his family, the only thing to do was pray. “Lord, give him the courage to accept the truth as soon as he can. Cause him to take advantage of every opportunity that presents itself with his family and others because of his cancer.”

Among all the  negatives that cancer is, it’s also something positive: a fistful of opportunities. I look back at Nate’s six weeks of coping with his cancer and marvel at how quickly he accepted his “fate” (tomorrow’s blog) and determined to finish well, even while undergoing intense emotional and physical upheaval. His actions and comments were calm, so much so they could only have been inspired by God, who supplied the know-how Nate needed.

For those who understand death is coming soon and who desire to honor the Lord through it, I believe God supernaturally supplies. And that stands true not just in cases of cancer but in all life-threatening circumstances. Being suspended in a period of denial might be more than just a place for the brain to do the work of adjusting. It might also be God’s place to ready people to accept their new harsh reality.

And once acceptance occurs, even while disease is killing, new opportunities are being born.

“Blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God.” (Deuteronomy 28:2)

The Journal: Working at Worry

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A year ago, as Nate’s back pain escalated but before we learned that his greater problem was deadly cancer, I was distraught with worry. During the night, questions overwhelmed me:

1.  Will the back surgery help?

2.  How long will the benefit last?

3.  Will he be able to keep working?

4.  How many surgeries will there be?

5.  And at the end of the surgeries, what will life be like for Nate?

6.  How much pain?

7.  Will he end up in a wheelchair?

8.  Should I go job-hunting?

9.  Will we have to move again?

Questions swirled like gathering clouds along Tornado Alley, ruining many a night’s sleep. When morning came, Nate would pursue the same routine he’d functioned in for 37 years, getting ready for work and climbing on a commuter train to get there. But what had been automatic gradually became a white-knuckle effort motivated only by his strong sense of duty. As we paced through the September days leading to the discovery of his cancer, Nate’s work days grew shorter, yet he remained resolute. “I’ve just got to work,” he said one morning when his pain was especially high. “It’s my job to provide.”

Deep down I believe he knew that if he quit, if he stepped away from the fast-paced working mentality of his Chicago routine, his pain would expand to fill the void. As much as he was looking forward to retirement, “going to work” was what he did best.

As for me, my spirits lifted when I knew he was able to work, because it meant his pain was manageable that day. It meant he could still fight the good fight. But what about my torment of worry during the wee-hours? What could be done about that?

Gradually both of us had made things worse, Nate by over-working his debilitated body and me by letting anxiety dominate. As Nate’s suffering had increased, we’d fallen for the lie that he and I were in charge, a ludicrous notion. The only thing I could think to do was to pray Scripture verses over our situation and over Nate. It would bring help to him and would remind me to “cast my cares on God.” (1 Peter 5:7)

I wrote the verses in my journal and prayed them through with pen and ink, hopeful God would intervene dramatically in Nate’s life and by that, in mine. Today, from the vantage point of one year later, I studied these same verses prayed a year ago in desperation and am utterly stricken by how God took the words literally and answered each prayer in a spectacular way.

From the journal:

“Cause Nate to wait on you, Lord. Renew his strength so he’ll be able to rise above the pain, to mount up with wings like an eagle. May he run in your strength rather than his own, escaping weariness, walking through this trial without fainting.” (Isaiah 40:31)

“May Nate quickly come to you, Lord, because he is laboring under heavy burdens. May he find the rest you’re offering.” (Matthew 11:28)

“Please protect Nate from all harm. Protect his soul from evil.” (Psalm 121:7)

“Please give Nate hope for a positive future, even a new beginning. Until then, give him courage.” (Psalm 31:24)

And according to these verses and many others, God did every bit of it with excellence….especially the part about Nate’s new beginning.