Category Archives: God’s plans for us

When Healing Comes

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After the death of a husband, how long does it take to heal? When is grieving finished?

Getting Through ThisFourteen months after Nate died, as I looked back over that year’s blog posts, I was surprised to realize not every one of them had been about him. At first I was appalled but later realized it was a sign of a broken heart being mended.

C. S. Lewis published a small book of journal entries penned during deep sorrow over losing his wife to cancer. A Grief Observed was so personal, he wouldn’t allow his name on the cover but instead ghost-published as N. W. Clerk. After Lewis died several years later, his stepson republished it revealing his true identity.

A Grief ObservedLewis went through raw grief, doubting God’s love and availability to him, wondering whether there was an afterlife at all. But by the end of the book, his relationship with the Lord had been restored, and his grief was beginning to heal. He wrote:

“There was no sudden, striking emotion. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight when you first notice them, they have already been going on for a long time.”

That year after Nate died I was encouraged to realize my healing had already been going on for a long time. It wasn’t that I was “finished,” but just as Lewis learned, raw emotion  slowly mellows. Instead of labeling Nate as “missing”, as having left a big, empty hole in our family, I began to think of him as our larger-than-life husband and father, the lively, loyal head of our family who was full of personality and loved each of us wholeheartedly.

As one of our kids said somewhere during that first year, “Papa was a legend.” He wasn’t the kind of legend that made the cover of TIME, but a Nyman-legend to be sure. Grief has a way of wrapping what’s good with a negative shroud, but as time passes and we heal, the layers peel away, and the positives come shining through.

God has helped me see more and more of these positives as the years have passed, and I credit him with every bit of my healing. He’s been my constant companion, my shield from despair and, as the biblical David put it, “the lifter of my head.”

Nyman familyHad we known Nate would die at 64, leaving us after only 42 days of warning, we’d have still chosen him for our husband and father. He will always be our main man, the one we wanted then, the one we still love now, and the one for whom we thank God.

“You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and he answered me.” (Psalm 3:3-4)

Funny Faces

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All of us have visited festivals or theme parks where street artists are sketching faces for money. Most often the drawings aren’t true to the person but are caricatures bearing similarities with exaggerated differences. The artists are quite good and most likely can draw faces accurately, but what makes it fun is producing pictures in which one facial detail is highlighted and drawn larger-than-life.

The artist first studies the face he’ll draw, looking for a dominant feature. Maybe it’s a turned up nose or freckles or heavy eyebrows. Then he creates a picture around that feature. Passers-by enjoy watching the face come to life on paper, chuckling as the artist reveals through charcoal or chalk what facial characteristic he’ll overstate.

The one being drawn nervously awaits the end result, knowing he or she will be paying for something that resembles their reflection in a fun-house mirror.

Margaret's caricatureWhen I was in 7th grade, my family went on vacation, and my face was caricaturized. Although signing up for one of these drawings is risky and the end result often insulting, this artist was kind. I didn’t get a nose and my freckles were pronounced, but “Davo” gave me bright blue eyes and a lovely ponytail.

When Nate was a young lawyer in Chicago’s Loop, an acquaintance was practicing his cartooning and asked if he could draw a caricature of Nate.

Nate's caricatureHe, too, was kind, making Nate look like Robert Redford in an action movie. He gave him the jaw line of Superman and the heavy hair of a Kennedy, and we had the picture framed and hung for many years.

To me, the most interesting part of an artist’s caricature is the moment just before he puts chalk to paper when he’s studying the face in front of him to decide what feature(s) he’ll amplify. It reminds me of how we often see ourselves. We exaggerate certain features in our minds and think other people are judging us as a caricature rather than accepting the real us.

The other side of that is our looking at someone else and judging them unfairly based on one physical feature or even just one facet of their personality. What if the Lord looked at me that way? What if he said, “Margaret, you missed a chance to help your friend today; therefore you’re lazy and self-centered, never lifting a finger to help anyone. That’s how I see you.”

But he doesn’t do that. Instead he sees me through the perfection of Jesus Christ and sets judgment aside because of that.

An artist creating a caricature looks at me with the desire to transform my face with humorous characteristics. God looks with a desire to transform me into a person of improved character. There’s a big difference.

“May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:11)

God’s Alarm Clock

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For whatever reason, my bedtime has become later and later. Although I was a keen critic of my teenagers staying up till the wee hours, the past few months have seen me following suit. I’ve had to eat my words that “nothing good happens after midnight,” since God often gives me blog-insights well after that.

At first I tried to camouflage my new habit: “Last night was just a fluke, kids. I’m still a morning person.” But as the weeks passed, my lark-ness morphed into owl-y-ness. Even Jack complied, dragging around all morning like a record at 33 1/3 speed, but zipping up to 78 at midnight.

Last night I crawled into bed after 3:00 AM. My final words to the Lord were, “I know. This is ridiculous.”

SpiderThis morning God announced a new program for me. Just as he provided a worm to eat Jonah’s biblical vine to get him up and going, he provided a tiny critter to nibble me awake. I never saw it, but my best guess about the sharp jab in my forearm was a spider. Although we’ve seen daddy-long-legs in our basement, I’ve always told skitterish kids spiders aren’t interested in climbing two flights to the bedrooms. But when God says go, animals do.

Nate was right when he repeatedly said our battle against woodland critters would be ongoing, since we lived on the edge of a forest. We agreed it would be pointless to call pest control, sort of like trying to keep the bottom of a boat from getting wet.

After God’s wake-up this morning, I noticed the clock said 8:00 and knew I needed more than five hours of sleep before tackling the day. But while drifting off again, a second “ouch” woke me. Finally I got the message. My thought had been more sleep; his was more hours in my day.

One of the magnificent things about God is how creative he is in achieving his goals. That’s good news for those of us who hunger for his participation in our lives. Oftentimes he allows painful circumstances, but being the recipient of God’s personal attention always includes a positive undercard. If we’re willing to submit, we’ll eventually experience the good stuff.

This morning’s unique wake-up call left two welts that have coaxed me to set my alarm tonight. If I don’t, God may direct his assistant to climb the stairs again. In the mean time, where’s that number for pest control?

“The Lord God provided a vine… to ease [Jonah’s] discomfort. But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered.” (Jonah 4:6-7)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. Thank you for praying about my painful feeding tube, which is still with me as per the GI doctor’s recommendation today: “Removal is easy. Re-establishing is difficult.”
  2. Pray that new, powerful antibiotics will eliminate infection and ease pain.
  3. Praise for minimal nausea this week, always a concern.