Category Archives: God’s timing

Nelson’s journal 6/28/22

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In today’s entry, Nelson “dances around” the everyday question that’s front and center on his mind and then asks God about it.

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June 28, 2022                     

It’s an absolutely unreal time. There is no way it could have been predicted, just like lots of things these days.

It’s like, “Wow! Donald Trump is president.” to “Wow, they actually expect people to walk around with masks on their faces? That will never happen.” to, “Haha! I’m 49 and I just had a baby with the woman of my dreams.” and then all the way to…….. “I can’t believe we live 5 minutes from the Mayo clinic, and I’m getting treated for stage 4 lung cancer.”

There’s almost nothing that would shock me at this point. I can’t even imagine anything getting any crazier, in a way. Then again, I could imagine quite a bit, but I dare don’t even think about it.

Seems to be no limit to what might happen. I guess it’s always been that way, just something seemed to have been holding back. What do I know? I’m a man alive for a little while, but it sure seems weird lately, is all I’m saying.

Tonight Annso and I left Will with Linni [a sister who was visiting] and went to this gun shop, which was more like a guy’s garage, but that’s where the map led. I wanted to ask about shipping my Glock here, and it was one more reason why I’m glad we moved to Minnesota.

I never thought this would be a place I’d like to live. Never considered it for an instant, even though Luke probably invited me more times than Uncle Edward invited me to California. Actually, I like the 4 seasons better anyway. It’s more fitting for me to live and work in.

 

I’m glad we’re here. We looked at a couple duplexes, just walked around the outside and called a realtor. Who knows. Our apartment lease ends in November, but we want to start getting a feel for the market, in case we want to buy something eventually.

It could happen, and I don’t want to let another period of life slip by only at the end of it to say, “I wish I had bought a house when we first got here.”

God has given me more chances than I deserve, and it’s possible he might even give me one more this late in the game. He’s like that, and that’s who I know you to be, Lord. You gave me a baby and a girl who is devoted to me, so why wouldn’t you give me more time?

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“If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:15)

Nelson’s journal 6/17/22

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Scripture outlines the best way for people to live. Following God’s advice will guarantee a satisfying, productive life, but oh how difficult it can be to actually live that way.

In today’s journal entry, writing as a man who has a deadly cancer, Nelson tries to convince himself not to fear what hasn’t happened yet.

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June 17, 2022                     

“Been journaling a fair amount up here in Rochester [MN], our new home, since we arrived about a month ago. It’s been tough with all the pain and pain pills, to stay motivated to write and do academic stuff. Funny that the things you worry about seldom happen, and the ones you never think of, actually do.

Take my condition here. In years past I worried a fair amount about being gone from my extended family out in Hawaii or India or wherever I was traveling, and missing things, thinking that maybe someday I’d regret it.

I thought maybe one day, when Mom gets sick or dies, that I’d wish I had been around. But believing I was called to be where I was, combined with Mom’s blessing on it, justified staying the course.

Then all of a sudden one day, in the ER in Kona, I was told “Cancer” by the doc as I was admitted for a 5 day stint. We bailed on the islands in record-breaking fashion and started living here in an apartment and even inviting Mom to live with us, and she’s been our roommate ever since.

Now she and I are spending time together, not mission-out or anything. The only thing is: we are not here because she’s sick, but it’s me instead. What I feared didn’t happen, but something else did, something I never thought about that brought about the same result, and even quicker.

Got the news May 10th, were on a flight the 15th, landed in MN the 16th, moved into our apartment the 17th. I had a MN driver’s license the 18th.

I feared all my partying might catch up to my health, but the cancer I have isn’t connected with smoking or exposure to chemicals, they tell me.

Worry for tomorrow is always a threat and constant battle, but it’s usually so misdirected and incorrect.

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“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)

Nelson’s journal 5/10/22  

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On this date, Nelson is journaling on his laptop from a hospital bed. His pain and breathing issues had escalated rapidly, resulting in two separate trips to the ER.

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May 10, 2022 

Today is day 2 at the hospital, my second time coming in to the ER because the pain and coughing were so severe. Annso pretty much insisted I do it. I went to campus and taught the Korean Foundation School, then came home, ate a nice salad with her and came up here [to the hospital].

Once I was here, there was this really young doctor who zeroed right in on fluid in the lungs. Once I told him I was coughing so hard at night and that I was so out of breath, he ran and got a mini-ultrasound machine and found fluid in my heart cavity and lungs.

That led them to do tons of tests, including a CT scan showing a tumor or growth in my neck and a few lymph nodes in the lungs, about 11 cm at the biggest. All of a sudden the fluid makes sense, the cough, and none of it has to do with the Thyroid, which is what everyone has been looking at.

At this point the admitting doc calls me on the phone and tells me–she really thinks it’s cancer. So does the tech who does these scans all the time. They will test more tomorrow, including a full body CT scan to see what else is going on. Maybe there are things growing in other places, not that these places aren’t severe enough.

When she told me that, I could hardly believe it, but at the same time, I could. All the intense pain and coughing now add up. I even said a couple times, “If I was told I had stage 3 lung cancer, I would believe it, because it feels like I think that would feel.”

It’s yet to be confirmed, and I would love for her to be wrong, but everyone is praying and it seems a likely scenario. Lots of things come into perspective all of a sudden, but I’m trying not to go worse-case-scenario right away.

I think of what happened to Papa and wonder, “Will I be alive this time next year? Will I be alive at Christmas? Will I be alive still even in August?” Unknown for all of us, but especially me. I don’t know anything. But the people I worry about the most are Annso and Will. What will they do? How hard for them will it be?

I would have the easier situation, and they’d be left to pick up the pieces. How terrible. How terrible for her to be turned into a single Mom so soon after our answer to prayer and miracle baby. I don’t even want to ask WHY. Doesn’t matter, and no answer will come to that one anyway.

I just think of those who went before me and how they did it. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that and I can beat it, whatever “it” is.

God, help me to know what to do now, to be the best man to Annso, strong and optimistic, someone she can rely on and who knows what to do, the one who may not know, but who knows who to trust.

I pray for strength. I pray for healing, for a miracle, for different results on tomorrow’s test, for there to even be a mistake somehow. Thank you for getting Annso in here [hospital] today. That was a miracle [because of strict Covid rules]. I pray she gets in tomorrow too. I pray for supernatural strength for her too.

What will happen to us? To me? To Will? Tomorrow will worry about itself. Amen.

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“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)