Nelson’s journal 5/10/22

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Margaret

On this date, Nelson is journaling on his laptop from a hospital bed. His pain and breathing issues had escalated rapidly, resulting in two separate trips to the ER.

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May 10, 2022

Today is day 2 at the hospital, my second time coming in to the ER because the pain and coughing were so severe. Annso pretty much insisted I do it. I went to campus and taught the Korean Foundation School, then came home, ate a nice salad with her and came up here [to the hospital].

Once I was here, there was this really young doctor who zeroed right in on fluid in the lungs. Once I told him I was coughing so hard at night and that I was so out of breath, he ran and got a mini-ultrasound machine and found fluid in my heart cavity and lungs.

That led them to do tons of tests, including a CT scan showing a tumor or growth in my neck and a few lymph nodes in the lungs, about 11 cm at the biggest. All of a sudden the fluid makes sense, the cough, and none of it has to do with the Thyroid, which is what everyone has been looking at.

At this point the admitting doc calls me on the phone and tells me–she really thinks it’s cancer. So does the tech who does these scans all the time. They will test more tomorrow, including a full body CT scan to see what else is going on. Maybe there are things growing in other places, not that these places aren’t severe enough.

When she told me that, I could hardly believe it, but at the same time, I could. All the intense pain and coughing now add up. I even said a couple times, “If I was told I had stage 3 lung cancer, I would believe it, because it feels like I think that would feel.”

It’s yet to be confirmed, and I would love for her to be wrong, but everyone is praying and it seems a likely scenario. Lots of things come into perspective all of a sudden, but I’m trying not to go worse-case-scenario right away.

I think of what happened to Papa and wonder, “Will I be alive this time next year? Will I be alive at Christmas? Will I be alive still even in August?” Unknown for all of us, but especially me. I don’t know anything. But the people I worry about the most are Annso and Will. What will they do? How hard for them will it be?

I would have the easier situation, and they’d be left to pick up the pieces. How terrible. How terrible for her to be turned into a single Mom so soon after our answer to prayer and miracle baby. I don’t even want to ask WHY. Doesn’t matter, and no answer will come to that one anyway.

I just think of those who went before me and how they did it. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that and I can beat it, whatever “it” is.

God, help me to know what to do now, to be the best man to Annso, strong and optimistic, someone she can rely on and who knows what to do, the one who may not know, but who knows who to trust.

I pray for strength. I pray for healing, for a miracle, for different results on tomorrow’s test, for there to even be a mistake somehow. Thank you for getting Annso in here [hospital] today. That was a miracle [because of strict Covid rules]. I pray she gets in tomorrow too. I pray for supernatural strength for her too.

What will happen to us? To me? To Will? Tomorrow will worry about itself. Amen.

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“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)

Lymphoma?

Posted on February 5, 2023 by Margaret

As Nelson’s hospital stay at the Kona hospital continued, doctors tried to pin down all that was wrong with him. Because of “unnumbered” nodules in his lungs, they went with lymphoma. Nelson was glad to hear it wasn’t lung cancer.

He had smoked off-and-on since his late teens but hadn’t had a cigarette for over six years. Surely that had been enough time to clean out his lungs from whatever damage might have occurred during his smoking years. And many lung cancer patients didn’t smoke at all, which meant, in Nelson’s case, it was possible he wasn’t responsible for bringing on the lung cancer. He hoped that was true.

From his journal:

May 12, 2022

I’m at the hospital for the 4^th night now. Last time I was admitted here was in 2003 when I was almost killed in that wreck with [cousin] Andrew. This time, I might be here because I was reckless, too, [by smoking] but not recently. Maybe the mass in my lungs is from smoking or any number of other things that could give you lung cancer. It’s pretty much what I have. You never think it will happen to you, even though you have a chest pain once in a while and think of worse-case-scenarios like that.

Then all of a sudden a doc calls me on the phone after looking at a scan and tells me, “We found a mass next to your heart, and nodules without number in your lungs. Looks like general lymphoma.”

More tests and lots of coughing later, I’m here after having 1.3 liters of fluid drained from my right lung alone, in a hospital bed enjoying the buzz of a couple of pain pills as I stay here for the last night, hopefully.

It’s Annso’s birthday tomorrow, so I would like to be there for that if possible. She has been by every day so far. Thank God she’s willing to bend the rules when necessary, to see me. It would be super lonely without anyone with me.

Last night I had this panic attack, because I felt I couldn’t get enough air. Even just sitting here, I was out of breath, even on oxygen. [Cousin] Luke offered to help us get into the Mayo Clinic, if we wanted that.

We took him up on it, considering this island is a place where it’s hard to make things happen. When it’s something like a dryer you have on order that takes 12 weeks to get in and once it comes in, they don’t even call to tell you it’s in, you can laugh about it. When it’s your cancer scan results and they don’t bother sending them to the other doc or just lose them altogether, it’s hard to stick around and trust them with your life when there are other options.

I’m thankful, Lord, for Luke and his generosity, for BBC [Brentwood Baptist Church in TN] and theirs, for a total change of plans. For everything. Not what I would have wanted, but you can use it. I wonder how it will be. Like Papa? […died 42 days after diagnosis] Or will I get better, at least for a little while? NO one knows.

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“Do not throw away your confidence…” (Hebrews 10:35)

Happy Birthday to Nelson

Posted on January 26, 2023 by Margaret

Today is Nelson’s birthday. Well, it was.

Being in Paradise as he is, he’s been given the supernatural gift of agelessness. No matter how old the rest of us get, Nelson will never age past 49. But each year when his birthday came around, planning a party was always last choice on his list. He believed what his grandpa had told him long ago, that birthdays shouldn’t be a big deal, because everyone had one every year.

But as the years passed, Nelson touched lightly on growing older in his journal entries. He also used these diaries to puzzle through problems by way of written words. Each page, then, was a mix of thinking and praying “out loud.”

These journals now belong to Ann Sophie, and though she wouldn’t have looked into them while Nelson was still with us, now she’s free to read . As she and Astrid, little Will and I have commemorated Nelson’s birthday here in Minnesota today, we’ve enjoyed reading aloud from his writings, sometimes laughing through our tears, and sometimes finding surprises. Here’s an entry from the day before his birthday, written one year ago, shortly before cancer invaded his world:

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Thursday 1/25/2022 7:08 PM

I turn 49 tomorrow. We’re having a baby boy in March, which is about to be next month. New things are happening, and yesterday a possible door opened for a career change I sort of looked for, but didn’t do more than talk about.

Tim, our electrical on campus has been working for us a lot. I’ve seen him, talked to him, and fantasized about getting a trade I could use anywhere to work and supply for my family, and have fun doing it.

I’ve been in “ministry” for a long time and You have supplied for me there without question, Lord. We have always more freedom and more than enough money. We have connections in YWAM all over the place, and it’s our home for now.

The apartment we have is great and the campus seems happy to have us. However, I have been praying and fasting about how to handle having a baby and if anything should change.

Yesterday, I saw Tim walking by building D and asked him for a job, essentially, and he said he’s short guys and would work out a deal with me for between $18-25 hr. It would take me 3 years to get my journeyman’s license to go out on my own, if I wanted to. Really, that’s my goal.

I have thought about what it would be like to pastor the church and work a normal job, sort of a bi-vocational existence. You don’t know until you try. Annso says she has to be forced into her blessings, or something like that, and she trusts me to make the right choice.

But it doesn’t seem possible to staff the Kokua Crew and work 7-3, M-F for another outfit.

I pray, Lord, that you would make it clear what I should do with this opportunity. Should I take it? Would that mean leaving YWAM altogether? Could Annso stay on staff technically and I be off? Could that work having a new baby? Didn’t we want her to be totally off staff? Would that mean we are done with BBC [Brentwood Baptist Church]?

I pray, Lord, you would expose any ulterior motive, but be merciful. We are all motivated selfishly and out of pride when it comes down to it. I have been given these premonitions before and you have led me when I didn’t know where I was going and it didn’t make sense.

Friday, 1/26/2022, Nelson’s birthday

Today is my 49th birthday. I lost track a little in there and thought maybe I was turning fifty. I am becoming a father at 49. How about that. Might even do a career change this year too. How crazy would that be?

Annso and I prayed about the offer with Tim to work and start becoming an electrician, and seemed to get a yes. She is reluctant because it’s a change, and I have to make it attractive to her, too. For me it helps us in lots of ways and gives us a break from YWAM, which we both need. Allows us to continue to pastor the Little Red Church, which I have always wanted to do.

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Nelson recorded these notes/prayers one year ago today. He had no idea it would be his last birthday. But for him, the clocking of time has ended, and eternity has begun. Actually, eternity has begun for the rest of us, too. But with our feet still firmly planted in this world, we can’t yet see it as clearly as he does.

“This is eternal life, that they know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” (John 17:3)