Now what?

When someone precious dies, grieving first presents itself as a feeling of emptiness. It says, “Now what?”

loveAll of us knew what to do when Mary was sick. Several kept her medicine straight, administered it, and made sure she was comfortable. Others kept the kitchen clean. Someone else did laundry. Another cooked. Several cleaned bathrooms, swept floors, ran errands. We all took turns sitting with Mary, sometimes in small groups, sometimes one-on-one.

And suddenly she was gone. Even in those first moments after she’d slipped away, while still gathered around her bed weeping, none of us knew what to do next. “Should we stay here? Move out of the room? Where would we go? What would we do ?”

The simplest decision was muddled, and there were question marks on each face. It was as if our previous instructions, the many tasks related to Mary, had been put through a shredder and then tossed in the air. When we asked “Now what?” no one could answer – at least not then.

Within hours, though, the question had been answered…. because there was a funeral to plan.

That process was much like arranging a wedding in three days:

  • The announcement/obituary – where to publish it? when?
  • The printed program – which photos to use? what order of service? what kind of paper? where to get it printed?
  • The funeral home – which one? what size room? how many will come? or should we use a church?
  • The casket – who will choose it? what about an outfit for Mary? who do we give it to?
  • The pictures – poster board photos? with which pictures? Where are they? what about a slide show? who would run it?
  • The guests – who will do airport runs? where will out-of-towners stay? what about a guest book?
  • The service – which pastor, musicians, soloists, songs? who will accompany? what about microphones? rehearsals? a podium? will it be recorded? video taped? by whom?
  • The flowers – ordered from where? what type? how many?
  • The food – a snack or a meal? where? who will provide it? how much?
  • The family – does everyone have suitable funeral clothes? if not, who will shop? where? when?
  • The cemetery – which one? which plot? should there be maps at the funeral? who will print them? who will pass them out?
  • Where will the flowers go after the service? who will transport them?

At Mary’s bedside we had asked, “Now what?” God had answered with a list of new questions, and we had no choice but to get to work. Could this must-plan phase be his gift to mourners who long for an answer to the “now what” question?

Since all the tasks at hand still had a connection to Mary, each one was important. We all felt useful. And it was a relief to know what to do.

Now those 50 questions have been answered. All of us are slowly returning to our regular lives and the tasks that remained undone when we were busy with Mary and her funeral. The need to catch up on things will keep that perplexing “now what” question at arm’s length for a while. But eventually it’ll be back. When it hits again, I believe each family member will receive a specific answer from the Lord that’s pertinent to them.

And when the “now-what’s” have all been answered, the only remaining question will be, “How will we fill the big empty space that Mary left?”

I’m counting on the Lord to supply an answer for that one, too.

“Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach…. No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart….”  (Deuteronomy 30:11,14)

Eulogy for Mary Ellen Peterson

at-the-beachMary was born on December 8, 1943 in Chicago to Carl and Evelyn Johnson. Evelyn had longed to be a mother from the time she was a child herself, and was delighted, as she put it, to “play house” with her new husband and baby. Christmas for the Johnson’s that year was “Mary” indeed.

The family expanded twenty months later when sister Margaret came along, and five years after that with brother Tom.

The Early Years

When Mary was 5 her father moved the family to a distant suburb in the country – Wilmette. Back then, Wilmette was mostly corn fields and narrow, unpaved roads where the family could safely roam and explore.

God and His Word featured heavily into Mary’s upbringing, and both of her parents modeled a victorious Christian life. Family devotions and Bible reading were a daily occurrence in her home.  Weekly Sunday school attendance at Moody Church, Pioneer Girls, and the church camp reinforced what she learned at home. These activities bore spiritual fruit, and one Sunday morning at the age of 9, Mary accepted Christ as her Savior and Lord.

Growing up Mary was a shy child, a homebody at heart. She was also a tomboy. In fact, every day when Mary came home from school, she quickly exchanged her dress for jeans, cowboy boots, and a plaid shirt. Then, while she watched Roy Rogers and Gene Autry on TV, she straddled the hassock and rode along with her cowboy heroes.

One Saturday afternoon when Mary was ten, she and a neighbor friend, Peter decided to build a camp fire. After having trouble getting the fire lit, Peter had the bright idea to get a little help from his dad’s gasoline can. He splashed gas on the sticks and branches but also accidentally soaked Mary’s jeans. With one match the whole thing burst into flames, including her pants.

Peter raced to Mary’s house, bursting through the kitchen door screaming, “Mary’s on fire!” Her dad raced for the door, grabbing a rug to smother the fire, not knowing what he’d find.

As the family ran out of the house, there came Mary, whimpering and hobbling toward home, her jeans still smoking and charred black. She had wisely rolled in a nearby mud puddle, putting out the flames.

Though Mary endured two operations, several skin grafts, and a month in the hospital, she thankfully lived through what could have been a fatal accident. It was during the hospital stay that she became fascinated by what went on in the hospital. Much later this fascination would play into a career decision.

She also proved she was good in a crisis, a skill she would use again and again in her life.

About this time her father and his brother Edward purchased a small summer cottage in a Christian community with wide sandy beaches on the other side of Lake Michigan. Every summer these two families enjoyed time together at Bethany Beach, learning to swim and climb giant sand dunes.

Mary’s Mom, a born entertainer, coaxed other families from the Chicago area to join them at Bethany. This made for mobs of joyful children exploring nature, picking fruit, riding bikes, buying penny candy, attending summer-Sunday-school, and of course lots of time at the beach. On summer evenings Mary went to sleep listening to crickets and whip-poor-wills, sunburned and happy.

Young Adulthood 

Mary set a good example as the firstborn, quietly taking the lead and faithfully making responsible choices. Both Tom and Margaret appreciated her paving the way for them – always the first to attend a new school or take on a new responsibility.

She was the first to brave the crowded halls of New Trier High School and was a diligent student who got good grades. When she left home for college she chose North Park because it wasn’t too far from home. She was still a homebody and wanted to return often.

It was at North Park Mary decided to become a nurse, eventually securing a bachelor’s degree and becoming a Registered Nurse from Swedish Covenant Hospital’s School of Nursing.  She later worked there as a head nurse, a rewarding job she loved. But something even more wonderful was happening during this same time.

Margaret remembers the day Mary called and excitedly said, “I saw a really handsome guy outside, on a ladder, leaning up against the hospital wall. I’m trying to find out who he is.” It turned out to be Bervin Peterson, Manager of Engineering and Technical Services at the hospital, the guy the girls called “The Moustache” and who would soon become the love of Mary’s life.

She and Bervin went on their first date on June 9, 1964 – ice cream and a walk along Lake Michigan. Sparks flew right away, and a 52-year love story had begun. They married three years later on June 24, 1967, and took up residence in the staff building across the street from Swedish Covenant Hospital.

God blessed them with seven children, her first at age 26 and her last at 46. During the nearly 40 years with children living at home, Mary had the privilege of being a stay-at-home mother, though with her large, lively brood, she had plenty of opportunity to continue using her nursing skills.

Bervin and Mary raised their family in Northbrook, Illinois, where Mary became a homemaker of excellence. Theirs was the house-of-choice for all the neighbors – who else had a trampoline, a zip line, horses, dogs, cats, chickens, a couple of raccoons, a swing set 20 feet tall, and a full cookie jar?

She invited all the neighborhood girls to cookie swaps every Christmas and the whole neighborhood for occasional soup suppers. At Halloween she gave out giant candy bars and was happy to have mobs of children at birthday parties and sleep-overs. She also organized her basement to rival Disneyland. This was a play place with a pool table, a swing-seat, shelves loaded down with toys for every age, video games, and exercise equipment. The Peterson house was always full of children, both hers and the neighbors’.

But it wasn’t all fun and games. She invited a crowd of women in weekly to pray for their school kids, leading the group and becoming a sounding board for moms with parenting troubles.

The Older Years

In 2002 Mary and Bervin joined the ranks of happy grandparents when twin girls ushered in the next generation.

Mary had a pivotal role in the lives of her 11 grandchildren, and was excited for the 12th due in February 2017. In fact, her last spoken words were to congratulate her daughter on discovering the 12th grandbaby would be a girl. Each of the grandkids adored their grandma. She pulled out all the stops whenever she was with them — always ready for an art project, games, outings, parties, sleep-overs, crafts, and a host of family traditions.

In 2011, with seven children grown and gone, Mary and Bervin decided to downsize. They moved into a glass-walled condo in the Loop, overlooking Millennium Park. One of the first things Mary ordered was a long dining table, big enough to host gatherings and feed a crowd.

She established a Tuesday night dinner tradition for all of her children who were in town, their spouses, and any nieces, nephews, or friends who wanted to come. She cooked massive meals for more than a dozen hungry diners each week and continued this tradition every Tuesday until just a few weeks before she died.

Loving tradition as she did, Mary loved summers at the family cottage in Michigan. Every Saturday she’d produce tall stacks of Swedish pancakes for whoever wanted to come, always decorating her table with festive napkins and an attractive centerpiece. She loved time at the beach and referred to sitting in the sun as “therapy for the soul.”

Mary was fiercely loyal – once a friend, always a friend. She had a lengthy prayer list and never minded adding one more line, one more concern. On each day of the week she prayed for one of her seven children (and their families), also covering nieces and nephews.

When her brother-in-law Nate died in 2009, she diligently drove to Michigan every Thursday evening to spend time with her grieving sister. For nearly seven years, she virtually never missed a week, protecting that commitment from being usurped by other things.

In February of 2014, Mary spiked a high fever. She learned that day she had pancreatic cancer. Though she thought her time would be measured in days, she was fortunate to be eligible for an extensive surgery (a Whipple procedure), which she underwent at Mayo Clinic, extending her life 2½ years.

With a fresh perspective that life is short and eternity is long, Mary found herself with a renewed zest for service. Even during the misery of chemo, she continued to meet her many pre-cancer commitments with enthusiasm and hard work. Though her energy waned as the cancer came back, she refused to let any of it slow her down and was thankful for the additional time she had to serve others.

During the last year, as Mary readied herself to transition to heaven, she organized her cupboards and drawers and began filling out the pages of what she called her “funeral book,” planning all the details of this service.

She made a point of taking each of the older grandchildren on a grandma-date, matching their interests to the event, and then sharing a meal. Her deeper purpose was to have an open dialog about her cancer and upcoming death, wanting to reassure them of her love and also of God’s. She talked about their relationship with the Lord and pleaded with them not to be angry at Him for taking her away, trying to explain it in ways each could understand.

Less than three weeks ago she sensed her cancer beginning to take over. She continued to participate in the swirl of activity around her as long as she could, pushing herself to show love and kindness to whomever was in front of her.

at-the-beachThe last project she worked on was a clay flower pot on which she glued rows of pretty beach stones. Around the top she wrote out one of her favorite Scripture verses, Isaiah 26:4. “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.”

Last Saturday evening while resting peacefully in her bedroom at her much beloved Bethany Beach house and in the presence of her loving husband, sister Margaret and Luke, she was released from her failing body and welcomed into the arms of her Savior Jesus.

Her life and death truly demonstrate Lamentations 3 that says: “The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness.”

Obituary of Mary Peterson

obit-picMary Ellen (Johnson) Peterson, much loved wife of Bervin C. Peterson, was welcomed home to Jesus’ arms on September 24, 2016, at the age of 72. She was a woman of faith who loved the Lord with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Mary was born on December 8, 1943, to the late Carl and Evelyn (nee James) Johnson of Chicago and was raised in Wilmette, IL. She attended New Trier High School, followed by North Park College and Swedish Covenant School of Nursing (BSN, RN) where she worked as a head nurse before retiring to raise a family.

She considered herself privileged to be a stay-at-home mom in Northbrook where she embraced the art of homemaking and filled her home with love throughout 49 years of marriage. She and Bervin welcomed Luke (Emily), Julia (Drew), Karl, Andrew (Kimberly), Johanna (Drew), Stina (Evan), and Marta.

The constant thread running through Mary’s life was the Moody Church in Chicago, where she accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Savior in Sunday school as a nine-year-old. Later she served as a teacher in that Sunday school, a youth sponsor alongside her husband, the nursery committee chairwoman, a deaconess, and a mentor of young mothers in the Mom to Mom ministry. She also worked in the By the Hand Club for Kids, tutoring children in need, served with the Caris Crisis Pregnancy Center, and was in the leadership of Community Bible Study in Arlington Heights for 25 years.

Mary was a champion at hospitality, frequently hosting family gatherings, bridal and baby showers, prayer groups, Bible studies, and any other get-togethers looking for a place to meet. She was active with her children and grandchildren until the week before she died, welcoming the cleanup that inevitably followed time with these young children. She was always up for games, puzzles, or trips to the family’s home in Bethany Beach, Michigan, to play at the beach. Mary was never without a hug or word of encouragement for others – or maybe just gum and candy for those children and grandchildren she loved so much, who loved her right back.

Mary lived by the credo that tending to the needs of others was more important than tending to herself, and she did so every day. She is survived by her husband, her 7 children, 11 grandchildren with a 12th due in 2017, her sister Margaret (the late Nate Nyman), brother Tom Johnson (Leslie Jones) and many dear cousins, nieces, and nephews.

Family and friends are invited to gather on Wednesday, September 28, for visitation at 10:00 and the funeral service at 11:00, at Moody Church (1630 N. Clark St, Chicago, IL 60614). Interment will be at Rosehill Cemetery (5800 North Ravenswood Ave, Chicago, IL 60660)

In lieu of flowers, charitable donations may be made to Moody Church or Community Bible Study (790 Stout Road, Colorado Springs, CO 80921).