Category Archives: Grieving

God’s Balancing Act

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In communicating with my children today about their father on this 5th anniversary of his death, several of them asked if I was sad or happy in my rememberng. The accurate answer is “yes”. Sad in wishing Nate was still here, but happy because of a very special photo that came my way via text message.

British Baby 5Hans and Katy, busy with their young family across the ocean, sent a good report about their unborn baby by way of a picture taken today during their first ultrasound. When I opened the photo, I gasped a bit of delight over the high quality and good angle of this image, the perfect profile of a new family face.

Hans and Katy’s 5th child, my 10th grandchild, is expected in May of 2015, and seeing that little person so clearly today was a joy that balanced out the lingering sadness about Nate. Rather than having a roller-coaster day of ups and downs, it was a day planted between the extremes. And isn’t that the way God usually does things?

When we receive bad news, it’s often followed by something good. The opposite is true, too, good coming first, and bad after that. Our heavenly Father works at balancing our days, and if we watch for it, we’ll see it. But that part, the watching part, can be a problem. Making note of the bad things is easy. We don’t miss a one. Noticing the good ones doesn’t come as readily. Why is that?

Maybe it’s because in our deepest hearts we think we ought to experience one good thing after another, and when something bad happens, we feel we have every right to object. “Why did God let that happen? How could he be so harsh with me? What did I do to deserve this?”

At the root of our reasoning, though, is a pride that says, “If I was God, I would have done that differently.” In other words, “I think I know better than God on this issue.”

Never.

Admittedly, it’s difficult to accept the bad stuff with a good attitude. I know I’ll be working on that for the rest of my life. Just this afternoon while running errands, tears came while I was driving, when I recognized a way in which I’d acted pridefully toward the Lord by thinking the opposite of the way I should have. I need much more practice, and thankfully God is willing to give it.

Just right

And so, as this emotional day ends, God has me solidly in the middle of sorrow and joy, bad and good, sad and happy, in a balance that feels just right.

 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

Five Quiet Years

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November 3rd is the day Nate left earth for heaven, or, as some say, changed his address. We’ve all missed him for 5 years, and I still wish we had him back.

It’s too bad I can’t mail him a letter telling him so. If I could send something to his new address, I’d be writing every single day, just like any couple in a loving relationship who find themselves separated by distance. I’d tell him what’s going on in his family and describe the many ways each of us misses him. I’d keep him up-to-date on current events and on this blog, telling him of the many readers who have come to know him through its posts.

imagesVYN70TTNBut of course trying to send a letter to heaven is even sillier than trying to reach Santa Claus. Even if I could fling a letter heaven-ward and somehow get it to Nate, I’d still have the frustration of never getting one back from him. In my 5 years without him, it’s talking to him that I miss the most. But our communicating has come to an end, at least until I rejoin him one day.

Nate was a good conversationalist and enjoyed everything from table talk with family to chit-chat with strangers. He was always willing to hash over problems, and no subjects were off limits. If I could count the discussions we would have had if he’d been here these last 5 years, they would number a thousand-plus.

And yet God hasn’t left me or any of us without people to talk to during these years, chief of which is himself. Naturally, talking to the Lord isn’t the same as talking to Nate, but in certain respects, it’s better. God is “open for business” day and night and is an expert listener. And since no time is a bad time to approach him for a talk, those thousand-plus conversations are still available.

When I think of Nate’s advice and how I wish I knew what he would say about this or that today, I can go to the Lord and voice the same longings or problems with the same openness and honesty, knowing he’ll hear my heart’s intention and never misunderstand me. I won’t be criticized, and the counsel he’ll give will be flawless.

???????????????????????????????Someday I anticipate looking into Nate’s face again and having a fresh conversation with him. We might even be able to pick up where we left off. More than likely, though, it won’t be anything like I’m envisioning, but God definitely promises eventual togetherness.

As I move into the 6th year of being separated from Nate, I’m hoping God will teach me to communicate with him better and better. And I hope one day he’ll completely fill the void left behind when Nate changed his address from earth to heaven.

Jesus said, “You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” (Matthew 21:22)

A Plan B

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Blue JayJust outside the front windows of our Illinois house was a small tree covered with blossoms. One April day years ago, we noticed a bird’s nest tucked in its branches, topped with a mama blue jay, so we began bird-watching from a nearby window, checking every day for babies.

Our cat Kennedy was also watching, and several times I saw her stretching tall from the back of the couch, paws on the window glass, peering out at the mother bird. She had no interest in eggs, though, only what was inside them.

KennedyKennedy had been a rescued kitten given to Hans on his 12th birthday and was puppy-like-friendly but morphed into a hunter every night. In the morning she’d arrive with a gift, a dead mouse, chipmunk, or small bunny dangling from her mouth. None of us liked this side of Kennedy but knew it was nature’s way.

Through the window, we worried about the baby blue jays but hoped their protective mama would keep Kennedy at bay. I remember the day the eggs hatched. We thought the cat was indoors while several of us were perched at the window watching, but suddenly she was there, at the tree.

Hans bolted out the door to grab her, but it was too late. She was already in the branches fighting with the mother blue jay. He raced to the garage and reappeared with a 2×4, shouting and swinging at his beloved pet, desperate to force her down. But within seconds it was all over, and Kennedy had had her way.

All of us were devastated, and my heart went out to the mama bird. She’d been faithful to her task, then was robbed of her reward. Although we were mad at Kennedy, we couldn’t blame her for doing what God had taught her to do.

Sometimes people-lives parallel that of the mama blue jay. We meet our responsibilities, work hard, and do the right things, but disaster strikes anyway. Money is diligently saved, then lost in a recession. A parent pours heart and soul into raising a child, who then turns against her/him. Someone leads a healthy lifestyle but gets sick anyway. A business is built on moral principles but goes bankrupt.

We can’t explain these misfortunes and wonder why bad things happen to good people, especially if “God is good.” But that’s where faith comes in. Do we really believe he’s good, and good to us? If so, we have to trust that even “bad” stuff has “good” purposes.

Bye bye mamaAfter Kennedy destroyed the mama blue jay’s future, I stayed at the window watching her. What would she do now? She sat on the porch railing nearby, focused on the tree, squawking intensely for about 5 minutes. Then she flew off in search of Plan B and never returned.

It’s often excruciating to surrender our A Plans. But when we’re ready, God’s B Plan is ready, too.

“The righteous… do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly.” (Psalm 112:6-8)