Category Archives: Grieving

A Journey, Good and Bad

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MapToday Mary and Bervin traveled back to Minnesota for several important appointments at the Mayo Clinic, a journey that came with good news and bad news. The good news will be when Mary’s doctor tells her his Whipple surgery is healing perfectly, right on schedule. The bad news will come as they meet Mary’s oncologist, a “chemo man.” He’ll detail Mary’s “phase 2” treatment plan for the next few months and may even want to kick-start it this week.

Mary is resigned to the necessity of chemotherapy but of course is dreading it. We’ve all heard too many war stories not to feel that way along with her. After tomorrow’s meeting she’ll know more of the details, but tonight she feels like she’s stepping onto a long, winding road.  Despite not knowing what pitfalls lie ahead, however, she has committed to go the distance.

Airdate: Sunday, November 12 (9-11 p.m. ET)Today as I thought about Mary beginning this extended journey, God brought another journeyman to mind: Abraham of the Bible. In that different day and time, his experience had several things in common with Mary’s. For one thing, he was told to set out without being given the specifics of his route or what was going to happen to him along the way, just like Mary. He knew some of it would be painful and surely wondered how bad it might get.

Even more significant than Abraham’s journey, though, was that of Jesus. From the moment of his birth, he began journeying toward the cross. Though he was God incarnate, as fully-man he probably didn’t know exactly what the route would look like or what his specific setbacks would be. And surely he must have experienced dread.

Palm Sunday's paradeEven as he made his way from the hills outside Jerusalem into the city on what we now call Palm Sunday, he knew that the devotees waving branches and singing allegiance to him would turn on him just a few days hence. Yet he didn’t step back from his journey. One pace after another, he saw it through.

All of that sounds like bad news, but there is some really good news for those on a God-prescribed journey. We can look at both Jesus and Abraham and see how Father-God was present and proactive in their lives along the way, partnering with them as they moved forward. And when they needed support and blessing, he delivered (with the unique exception of Jesus on the cross).

The present, proactive God will be there for Mary, too, as her faithful Sustainer, holding her firmly throughout her chemotherapy journey and rescuing her from pitfalls. And just like Abraham and Jesus, he will bring her out the other side.

“Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry. Do not be silent at my tears; for I am a…. sojourner like all my fathers.” (Psalm 39:12)

Mary’s Prayer Requests

  1. For good reports on Monday
  2. For God’s peace between now and the meeting with the oncologist
  3. Praise that the pain of the feeding tube has all but subsided
  4. Praise for a morning back at Moody Church!

A Love That’s True

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No marriage is without its stress points. Whether it’s something internal between husband and wife or something external that life throws at both of them, hard times can either make or break a relationship.

Broken HeartStatistics show, for example, that having a bankruptcy can cause a couple to split up. The birth of a special needs child can do it, too, or in-law problems, a critical spouse, or chronic health issues. And when life-and-death cancer hits, anything can happen.

A couple could blame each other for the dilemma they’re in. They might argue about it and berate each other, harming their relationship. But they could also weather the storm together, clinging to one another tighter than ever.

Mary and Bervin are currently traveling through one of those life-and-death crises, each of them exposed to a mountain of stress and sadness. Cancer has a way of doing that to people. But everything I’ve observed between the two of them points to increasing togetherness rather than a cracking of their marriage bond.

The day of Mary’s surgery (Monday), as four of us said goodbye, she went around the circle giving each of us a strong hug. Coming to Bervin, she passed him by. “I’m saving the best for last,” she said, looking at him. Then after hugging the rest of us, she went back to him and held on tight.

What part does God play in the traumas that come to all married couples? For one thing, he doesn’t waste even one of these experiences. Rough patches in marriage are particularly useful from his point of view, since they tend to polish off our rough edges and make couples look to him for help. At least that’s his hope.

Heading to surgeryGod’s intention is that when trouble comes, wives and husbands will race to put supportive arms around each other, satisfying the other one’s need without concern for their own. By doing so they demonstrate humility, servanthood, and true love, which pleases both their partner and the God who bonded them in marriage. It also primes the pump for a next time, when the one who’s been given the most, eagerly becomes the giver.

Traditional (old-fashioned) wedding vows include this concluding statement: “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Mark 10:9) In other words, nothing of human origin should be allowed to pull them apart. When circumstances threaten to do that, even if it’s a disease, God hopes husband and wife will cling instead of crumble, coming out the other side stronger than ever.

That’s exactly what’s happening with Mary and Bervin. Mary’s life will never be the same now that cancer has come, and their marriage won’t be the same either. But that’s ok, because it’s going to be better than ever.

“Love… endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Mary’s prayer requests:

  1. For a peaceful night after a day of difficulty
  2. For pain meds to work without causing nausea
  3. For thorough healing of Mary’s insides
  4. For stamina to meet physical demands

Potential for Fear

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Elisabeth Elliot (to whom I referred yesterday) is one of those rare people who has been committed to Christ from a very young age without wavering. That’s not to say she hasn’t struggled with why God does what he does.

Wedding dayHer widowhood arrived only 3 years into her marriage to missionary Jim Elliot, a man so committed to sharing Christ’s love he told Elizabeth (Betty) he had decided never to marry. In God’s economy, wives trumped careers, and Jim didn’t want to slight either one.

But after years of friendship with Betty, he realized that her longing to serve God was as deep as his, and so they married, eager for a lifetime of ministry together. Though it seemed God’s plans had gone awry when Jim was murdered along with 4 fellow laborers, Betty accepted it as his will for her and their 10 month old daughter Valerie.

End of the SpearShe then did something her friends thought was incongruous, even unconscionable. She packed up her little girl and headed for the same tribal group that killed her husband, intent on continuing the work he’d barely begun. Her astounding story has been told in books (Through Gates of Splendor, The Savage My Kinsman), magazines (LIFE, Readers Digest), and a feature film (End of the Spear).

Betty and Valerie

 

 

As Betty trudged on foot through the snake-infested jungles of Ecuador to see not only the place where her husband died but to meet the men who killed him, surely she was frightened. I would have been terrified. But she testified to knowing no fear. She took two reassuring tools with her: a rock-solid belief in the sovereignty of God, and her camera.

Whatever happened, she believed, would only occur if God allowed it. Though she didn’t understand why Jim had to die, she didn’t sign off on her faith. Instead she submitted further, trusting God not just with her own life but with that of her toddler.

Betty's photo albumFifty-eight years later we begin to understand a bit better as we see this once-violent tribe of savages committed to Christ and living in love relationships. Betty and the others who refused to let fear keep them away were ultimately successful in bringing God’s light into a dark culture.

The devil delights in torturing us with fear, whether it’s to debilitate a new widow facing the unknown, or to dangle failure in front of someone trying a new venture, or to fight seemingly unbeatable cancer as my sister is. But God steps forward and says, “That fear is not of Me. Don’t buy into it. Keep trusting me with abandon.”

From Betty’s youthful perspective, her husband’s death was unnecessary, and for years she bore the heavy burden of trying to understand God’s behavior. When she finally figured out she wasn’t responsible for it, the load fell off and she was free to rest in God’s peace.

Her example should encourage us all to take him at his word and move forward without fear. Only in heaven will we finally understand why God did what he did on earth.

“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)

Thank you for continuing in prayer for Mary. Additional requests on tomorrow’s blog.