Category Archives: Grieving

Travel Advice

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Every once-in-a-while I find myself driving through our old neighborhood in Illinois, a “country” suburb of half-acre lots with room for children to roam. Although I can’t freely turn into my old driveway as I did for nearly 30 years, I have pulled in next-door for visits with my good friend Becky.

Becky D

For 22 years we shared the same lot line and were friends from our first meeting at the swing set with our babies, to the farewells after our moving van pulled away. My husband died of cancer several months after we left the neighborhood, and 6 months after that, Becky’s husband passed away, also of cancer. (See “Hi, neighbor!”) Despite living on opposite sides of Lake Michigan now, we’ve been united in heart while sharing a call to widowhood.

The year after our men died, both of us did a great deal of traveling. It wasn’t so much planned as just what happened, and it wasn’t always easy. One day I received an email from Becky (written 3 years ago) while on a trip to Europe with some of her family. Because I believed her thoughts were Spirit-inspired, I saved it.

She wrote:

“I’m trying to develop the discipline it takes for me to travel with my faith. There are quite a few Scriptures that use the visual of putting on faith as a garment. Romans 13:14 says, ‘Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ.’ Colossians 3:12 says, ‘Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.’”

Becky’s faith-discipline efforts began even before she left home: “My first faith-choice was packing my suitcase,” she wrote. “I had purchased a smaller, lightweight Bible for traveling, but it didn’t sit well in my heart to leave my beloved big Bible behind. The Holy Spirit reminded me that my make-up bag was just as big and heavy as my Bible, and I would never leave that behind! So in went my big Bible.”

She continued, writing from a hotel room in France: “It’s been tricky carving out prayer and meditation time, and time to read God’s Word, when it would be easier to wake up and jump right out to the streets of Paris! Traveling depletes me quickly, because I easily get distracted from my faith-routine. It’s actually scary how fast it happens away from home, in strange lands, surrounded by folks who may not yet share my faith.

“My choice for each day, though, is to clothe myself in his Word before venturing out sightseeing, because I know when we return, I’ll be depleted again, needing more time to rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

Travel plans

Today Becky’s wise travel advice has been reverberating in my ears, since I bought a plane ticket to England to meet my soon-to-be-born grandbaby. And I want to remember that nothing I pack will be more important than putting in my faith-garments.

 

 

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness.”  (Isaiah 61:10)

 

Loss or Gain?

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Nate's mailThis week Nate got two pieces of mail, reminders of someone who used to live with us but now is missing. One envelope even said, “We want you back!” It used to hurt when this kind of thing happened, but after 3½ years, it doesn’t zap me like it used to. I know my heart is healing, and I’m grateful.

But there will be more pain-producing moments in the future. It’s true for all of us, since no life is without its share of grief. If we aren’t dealing with a loved one’s death, we’re processing other losses – a job, a prodigal child, a bank account, an opportunity, a friendship, a home.

Of the billions who’ve lived on the earth, not one has escaped travail. We can trace that back to the first humans when they lost Eden, and that was just for starters. Never, as long as we live, will there be a loss-less life.

So how do we cope with such a dismal prospect?

Surely God doesn’t want us to live on red-alert beneath a banner that says, “WATCH OUT!” Scripture tells us, “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning.” (Ecclesiastes 7:4) This probably means that as we move through life’s losses from grief to healing, we somehow gain wisdom along the way. If life is hunky-dory, we don’t learn much.

The biblical Paul insisted that every struggle he endured (when persecuted for his faith) was minor compared to what he gained in the way of salvation. This was quite a mouthful, considering all he’d experienced:

  • temporary blindness
  • 195 lashes (He kept track.)
  • 3 beatings with rods
  • 1 stoning with intent to kill
  • 3 shipwrecks at sea
  • multiple robberies
  • unnumbered whippings
  • intense physical pain
  • severe thirst and hunger
  • extreme cold without proper clothes
  • multiple imprisonments
  • the deaths of friends

Each of these included painful loss and a struggle to heal, physically and also emotionally. But Paul was willing, actually eager, to tackle trouble for two reasons:       (1) to testify to God’s bringing him through; and (2) to grow in wisdom.

Most of us won’t have to cope with such a list of agonies. But as we endure different losses, we have a choice: to respond as Paul did, leaning into God’s sustenance, or to resist healing, clinging to our losses.

Pregnant Katy

When I see Nate’s name in my mail, I miss him a great deal, but I no longer cry over the envelopes, a credit to God, not me. As the Giver of all gifts, he’s shown me he continues to give, in the midst of our losses. Hans and Katy’s new baby will be born in a week or so, and soon after that we’ll witness Klaus and Brooke’s wedding. Nate won’t be with us for either of these major events, but just like Paul, I have a choice. I can continue weeping over my loss, or I can rejoice in my gains.

The choice is easy.

“Do not say, ‘Why were the old days better than these?’ For it is not wise to ask such questions.” (Ecclesiastes 7:10 )

A Beach Party Lesson

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Many people say the Bible is hard to read. It’s a big book for sure; my copy has 2067 pages. But a good place to start is with the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They read like storybooks about Jesus, detailing the things he said and did.

One of my favorite Bible stories is told in John, and maybe the reason I like it so much is because it describes a beach party. Jesus hosts it for some of his disciples, and since the anguish of the cross is over, these men now know him as their risen Savior.

But things between them have changed. Where formerly they’d literally hung out with Jesus night and day, since the resurrection they’d only seen him twice, and then only briefly. No doubt they had questions. “Is Jesus out of the picture now? What does that mean for us? Should we go back to our old professions?”

Fishing boat

In the biblical beach story, Peter seems to be moving in that direction. “I’m going fishing,” he says. “Do any of you want to come?”

Some did, and surely as they bobbed along on the Sea of Galilee that night, they conversed about the radical changes for all of them since Jesus’ death and resurrection. Their understanding of what was going to happen next, either to Jesus or themselves, was minimal.

Talking on the boat, most likely they expressed a longing to be with Jesus “full time” as they had been such a short time before. By dawn, exhausted, hungry, and discouraged, the fishermen head for shore. Across the water about a length of a football field away, they spot a man on the beach who shouts to them, questioning them about their catch (or rather the lack thereof).

Jesus calls to the disciples

When their net miraculously fills with big fish, they recognize the man as Jesus and are thrilled! Even so, John writes, “None of them dared ask him, ‘Who are you?’ ” Their relationships with Jesus had somehow changed, and most likely this was painful for each of them.

My guess is they’d been missing Jesus so much that they literally ached to be with him. In many ways, I understand what they were going through, but not in relation to missing Jesus. My missing has been all about Nate.

When I thought about the disciples and especially the demonstrative Peter, who leapt into the water and swam toward Jesus the instant he recognized him, my heart jabbed me. “If only I could have that kind of one-more-meeting with my husband. Just one breakfast like the disciples got with the person they’d been longing for.” But the impossibility of that made Nate’s absence seem worse.

As I studied the beach Bible story, I sensed God was about to teach me something new. And it turned out to be something pretty important.

(Continued tomorrow…)

Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught…. Come and have breakfast.” (John 21:10,12)