Category Archives: Grieving

Life – Ongoing

Posted on by

One thing about us widows is that we stick together, and the question all new widows ask each other is, “How long before I feel better?”

Meanwhile, life keeps happening, and a widow’s first hurdle is to accept the shock that when her husband died, the rest of the world kept going. Such a discovery makes her feel isolated, but the fact that life goes on can also be a motivator, preventing her from believing that there’s nothing more to live for.

Prints from Nicholas

One month before my husband Nate and I heard the words “pancreatic cancer,” we had our annual double-birthday party. By then we were grandparents to 18 month old Skylar and 7 month old Nicholas. Since both lived far from our Michigan home (Florida and England), it was wonderful to receive birthday greetings and photographs from both that year.

Prints from Nicholas.

Nicholas’ parents had made ceramic mugs for Nate and I with his baby handprints and footprints on them. This grandchild is 4 years old now, and when he was last here at Christmas time, I showed him the mugs. He matched his much larger hand to his baby handprint and enjoyed seeing how much he’d grown.

As I continue to use those two mugs, I can’t help but think how much has happened since Nate left us. And of course there’s more “happenings” to come. Klaus reminded me today that his fiancée Brooke never met her future father-in-law, since she came into Klaus’ life a few weeks after Nate died.

Klaus and Brooke.

But what he said immediately after that warmed me. “After all I’ve told her about Papa, she feels like she knows him.” Because Nate was important to Klaus, he frequently and freely talks about him. And because he’s been important to Klaus, he’s becoming important to Brooke.

Our loved ones may die, but as life moves away from their death dates, the influence they’ve had on other people hasn’t died. Sometimes it’s even expanded.

I love talking about Nate and the experiences I’ve had with him, and as I thought about this, I asked myself if I do as well talking about Jesus and the experiences I’ve had with him. Are the people around me, especially those who haven’t met him personally, coming to know him through my steady references to him? Do they “feel like they know him” as Brooke feels about Nate?

Life is moving forward. Birthdays are accumulating. Small hands and feet are growing bigger. Some people are dying while others are being born. But Jesus stays the same through every change and has promised to stick with widows (and anyone else who so desires) as they go through them. He’s just hoping those of us who already know him will faithfully make him known.

The Apostle Paul said, “I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me — the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)

In the Face of Suffering

Posted on by

Most of today’s news reports included breaking details of the Boston bombings. One interview I heard featured a psychologist named Jeff Greenberg whose specialty is studying people who’ve been forced (by events) to face their own mortality. It might be a terminal disease or something like the 9/11 attacks… or the bombs at Monday’s Boston Marathon.

This morning he said, “When these things happen, it reminds you of the fragility of life, and that death is something that can happen very suddenly and unexpectedly.”

Boston Marathon bomb

He detailed specific, predictable thought patterns people have as they try to cope with what just happened. One of the first things everybody thinks is, “How vulnerable am I?” This goes for those in the Boston area as well as the rest of us who’ve been following them on national news.

Immediately after the question about vulnerability, Mr. Greenberg says we move into firm mental denial: “Most likely I’m safe.”

We might begin blanketing our heightened concerns with a new level of attempted control: locking our doors more carefully, driving with greater care, avoiding crowds, gathering supplies for emergencies. By putting safety measures in place, we’re trying to make sure nothing unexpected gets to us. We think, “Because I’m proactive, I’ll always be safe.”

In the light of day and with intelligent thought, however, we know this isn’t true. None of us are immune to adversity.

This morning I also heard the story of two brothers and their friend, a trio of pals waiting together near the marathon finish line. After the explosions, the brothers had each lost one leg, and their friend had lost both. Their anguish must have been crushing, and the agonies ahead for all three of them can’t even be estimated.

Yet as the newscaster reported, once these young men were in the hospital, they were far more concerned about the welfare of each other than themselves. During the weeks and months to come, they’ll be cheering each other on while trying to share the burdens of their buddies, rejoicing together at every recovery milestone. Their futures will be different from their pasts, but the prognosis for all three is bright, partly because they have each other.

God wants to partner that same way with every person injured during the bombings. He offers himself as encourager, sustainer, leader, and friend. His desire is to “stick closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) Not one of those injured on Monday needs to suffer through recovery alone after an offer like that.

Honoring the victimsJeff Greenberg described how people become newly sensitive to their belief systems whenever they “look death in the face.” Monday’s bombings are another reminder, he says, that death is coming, and there’s no way around it.

Because of that, isn’t this the perfect time to say yes to God?

“After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)

Broken

Posted on by

This morning it was a double-whammy. The heart pendant had been my Mom’s, and the gold chain had been Aunt Joyce’s. When Birgitta, Emerald, and I arrived at church, I hadn’t noticed that the necklace had slipped off. Even after today’s communion service, while brushing bread crumbs off my sweater, the necklace hadn’t crossed my mind. But when we arrived back at the car, the gold chain was hanging out of the car door, its crystal heart missing, and I remembered.

Aunt Joyce's chain

I got down on my knees to inspect the parking lot pavement under the car, behind the tires, under neighboring cars. Surely I’d find this pendant that was larger than a quarter and sparkling with flashes of light, but even back home there was no sign of it.

Mid-afternoon we decided to take a group walk with the dog, and that’s when we spotted it, on the way to the back yard to get Jack. Broken in two places, my lovely crystal heart was, indeed, sparkling in the sun, but sadly it was no longer wearable.

Broken heart

Life is full of unexpected disappointments. This one was small compared to many but was definitely an oh-bummer moment. What if the pendant had fallen to the floor one step earlier? It would have hit the soft back-door rug instead of concrete. Or, if it had slipped down just one moment later, it would have landed on the car floor mat. But it fell on that one particular footstep, which ruined it.

Isn’t that the way with many life events? After they happen, we play the what-if game, inwardly longing for a different outcome than the one we got. When we’re through with that, we move to passionate wishing by way of if-onlys, setting up scenarios of how it could have gone better than it did.

What’s wrong with thinking that way?

Several things, the first of which is that no amount of hindsight can rearrange what’s already happened. Second, focusing on what-ifs and if-onlys leads us to repeated feelings of regret and sadness. Third, getting stuck in what-might-have-been often eliminates future opportunities. And lastly, if we’ve given God charge of our lives, could it be that those things we wish hadn’t happened are the very things God wanted us to experience? And if that’s true, then shouldn’t we bear them willingly?

But that’s a tall order when it comes to accepting life’s bigger losses, whether it’s a career, a bank account, a home, a friendship, or worst of all, a person we love. But instead of what-ifs and if-onlys, the Lord wants us to consider thinking “as-is.” If he’s the one behind the events of our lives, accepting them as they are while asking him what to do next will lead to a far more satisfying result.

As for my damaged necklace, I think I’ll keep it…. as is. Even a broken crystal pendant sparkles beautifully.

“Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.” (1 Corinthians 7:17)