Category Archives: Hearing from God

Cemetery Sentiments

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As always, our family assembled at Chicago’s Rosehill Cemetery today to talk about the 7 loved ones buried there: two grandparents, a great uncle and an uncle, mom, dad, and the most recent, Nate.

Each Memorial Day before we gather, Mary urges us to recall memories or bring readings to share with the group. This year I brought one of Nate’s journals, wanting to read-aloud something he wrote. Most of his diaries were work-related, but this one was very personal, written while on a getaway weekend in 2005.

During those years his life had required him to accept some demanding changes, and he was struggling in several areas. Wanting to get back to the basics, he separated himself from all of us and eliminated everything but Scripture and prayer. He also subtracted food, though in his notes he did mention having coffee.

After Nate died, I found this journal in one of his drawers and recognized him in the words. Many of the pages had numbered lists on them. One was titled, “I thank the Lord for…” Another said, “Hebrews” (his favorite biblical book). A third was headed, “Questions for the Lord.” On that weekend he was doing the hard work of self-examination, calling out to God for an ordering of his thoughts.

Today at the cemetery I read from the prayer he wrote at the end of the weekend. Several lines jumped off the page, and they seemed appropriate for our moments at his grave. The prayer was 15 handwritten lines in which he detailed his personal weaknesses, asking for God’s help with them. “Connect me directly with you so that… Give me the relationship with Christ that… Focus me first on you and then on…”

But the lines that really tugged at my heart were the last ones: “Let me breathe the sweet, clean, pure air of life that you want for me. What do I need to do?”

It was heartening to know that after all those hours of painful soul-searching, Nate had landed on the truth that God wanted to give him the “sweet, clean, pure air of life,” at least symbolically. Though the perplexing circumstances of his life hadn’t changed, his spirits had been lifted.

As for his question “What do I need to do?”, God’s answer (revealed later) was, “Endure a miserable six weeks of cancer and go through earthly death.” Today, while looking at his tombstone, I cried with emotion to realize the Lord hadn’t just symbolically given him what he’d asked for but had literally provided “the sweet, clean, pure air” of a new, carefree life… in paradise.

Nate seemed to be present with our group at the cemetery today, at least through his words. And there were two very important ones at the end of his prayer:

“Love, Nate.”

“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” (James 5:16)

Wait-and-See

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Between my sister’s family and mine, we’ve racked up 25 trips to local emergency rooms. Admittedly, most were a result of raising 14 adventurous children, but we adults have to take credit for some of them. Yesterday it was my turn.

One week ago a searing pain took over my left side so powerfully I couldn’t move to reach my phone or get enough breath to yell for Birgitta in the next room. It raged for nearly an hour before subsiding but eventually went away completely.

Later that day I told Louisa and Birgitta about it but asked them to keep it quiet. Although they honored my request, they pressured me to tell my sister Mary, our family nurse. I knew if I did, she’d insist I take immediate medical action, so I decided instead to just wait-and-see.

As the week progressed, other curious symptoms popped up: two sharp pains in the upper back, occasional dizziness, achy feelings in my chest, extra fatigue. Were these warnings about an approaching heart event? I didn’t want to risk damage by waiting, but didn’t want to over-react either. So I did what I always do when I don’t know what to do.

I asked God, then decided to just wait-and-see.

A short while later, I was catching up on emails and among them was a friend’s description of an adult daughter’s new heart problem. She also shared about her husband’s unexpected heart procedure at age 70. All I could think was, “Lord, you’ve answered my prayer, and now I know what to do.”

I told Mary.

Although I wasn’t in severe pain, within 90 minutes I was packed and driving from Michigan to Chicago where the two of us walked into the E.R. at Rush Medical Center. Approaching the check-in desk I casually said, “I’m having mild chest pain and…”

In seconds I was tucked into a wheelchair and whisked toward multiple blood tests, a chest x-ray, a rolling EKG, an IV line, and hospital admittance. I didn’t even have time to notify my children. My medical adventure culminated in this morning’s treadmill stress test, monitored by a doctor, a nurse, and a tech.

The upshot of the whole episode? I’m 100% heart-healthy with less than a 1% chance of ever having a heart attack.

So what was that all about? Maybe it was to prompt gratitude for the days I’m not in an ER. It could have been to get educated about heart-health, which we did. Maybe it was to newly appreciate my sister’s love and concern. Possibly it was a dress rehearsal for what’s coming, or a test of whether or not I really trust God when trouble hits. I guess I’ll just wait-and-see.

The whole thing leaves me with several questions, but I may never get the answers. Though ER docs suggested I follow-up with my regular internist this week, I think I’ll just…

wait-and-see.

“Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble; don’t let me down when I run to you.” (Psalm 25:20, The Message)

Giving Back

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This blog has always been a therapy for me, a place I eagerly look forward to going every day. It began as a bulletin board for family and friends when Nate was sick, then morphed into a place where I could work through the struggles of new widowhood. Readers were gracious and supportive then, and still are today.

Looking back over recent posts I see how they’ve become less and less about me and more and more about God. He’s become my shining star, a gleaming guide who is front and center in my life and on my blog. Writing about him will always be satisfying, and because of who he is, I’ll never run out of material.

Something impressive through the last couple of years is how extensively he has delivered a wealth of wisdom to me through you, dear reader. You’ve responded to my posts by sharing nuggets of gold, braving the comment boxes and the contact button in a way that has benefited me, and also other readers on this site.

Much of what you’ve written I’ve copied and saved in a cyberfile labeled, “Interesting Stuff,” and I can’t count the times I’ve returned to this compilation to hear you again. The following comment, left by a reader named Tina (10/27/09,“Tired”) seems to apply in a potent way to Easter week:

“I’m writing this with a hotel pen that says, ‘See the world. Stay with us.’ Seems a contradiction, since the world is a large place, and a hotel is not. When Jesus speaks, there’s no contradiction. ‘In my Father’s house there are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you.’ What I often forget is that He also stayed to prepare me for that place. Thank God for each morning’s new mercies… a cup of coffee, a warm hug, a baby’s drooling prattle, Scriptures that swell with meaning, then fit snugly into the day’s arsenal of resources. Another day. Another boatload of God’s tender compassions.” 

Easter week is the perfect time to zero in on the long list of resources that are mine (and yours) as a result of Jesus Christ’s willingness to take my sins into himself and suffer his Father’s incalculable wrath. For me.

He died, yet he lives. He departed, yet he stayed. He takes, yet he gives abundantly, an “arsenal of resources” with which to live our lives, every day.

And one of the valuable resources he’s given me, has been you.

“Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” (Luke 1:78-79)