Category Archives: Learning from our past

Satisfying a Longing

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The minute Nate and I learned of his cancer diagnosis, I wanted to talk to Mom, but she died in 2005. I knew she would have delivered wise counsel as our feet left the edge of the cliff we’d just been pushed from. She didn’t mince words or say flowery things that would perfume over the truth. And at that moment, I wanted the truth, raw as it might be. I craved her empathy and wanted to ask what I should do next.

As Nate and I sat looking out the van windshield on our drive back to Michigan that day, stunned by what we’d just heard, I needed someone who’d already traveled through hardship to come alongside and whisper wisdom into my ear. The unsatisfied longing to talk to Mom popped up again and again during the six tumultuous weeks of Nate’s illness. Oh how I yearned for her advice, her leveling. But as the old proverb says, “Wishing doesn’t make it so.”

Today, however, I heard from Mom. It happened in a most unlikely way, and I view it as God’s gentle plan to fill up the pothole of longing in my heart.

Mom in red coat

A friend from childhood named Al who often comments on my blog, mentioned the close relationship our two mothers had had. These women raised their children together so closely, the kids grew up thinking they were all cousins. When Al’s father died, his mother, Ione, received a long letter from my mother, written four days after the death. The letter was meaningful enough to save for 43 years and was re-read again and again.

Today both of those women are gone, but the letter isn’t. Al thought it would hearten me now, in my new life-assignment without Nate, so he mailed me a copy. When I opened his envelope this morning, the first thing I saw was Mom’s familiar handwriting on four pages of stationary. That alone made me smile.

I set aside the letter for a quiet moment later on, eventually sitting down with a mug of cranberry tea and an eagerness to hear from Mom. I read it twice, thinking of the sweet relationship between these two women. Then it occurred to me that since I believe God put the letter into my hands to help me, too, I would read it one more time as if Mom had written it directly to me, a new widow just like Ione had been. And from the letter, here is the gist of her counsel after she began with, “Dear, always-brave [Margaret]” :

  • Think back at least three generations and count your blessings. Thank God for “stoic, loyal, living examples of the Scriptures – steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. Bless the memory of those who lived long, long ago.”
  • Cherish your women friends. Receive their comfort. They are “…golden threads of friendship which, through the years, have knit [you] together in a near-holy bond of fellowship. Who would have dreamed [your] socializing could have become such a blessing?”Ione's letter 2
  • Never doubt that God took [Nate] home for important reasons. “Perhaps the bodily affliction that laid him aside was for his grooming in the hand of God.”
  • Be grateful for the family you still have on this earth, even though your husband, the family leader, is gone. And remember with fondness that Nate loved each family member and the warm home you made for him. “A man could ask for no more, earth-wise.”
  • “The greatest of your blessings is – as you well know – the presence of Christ in your lives and your home. Herein is Love.”
  • As for [Nate], “he is very alive in the presence of the Lord… with the very Lord who gave him you, [Margaret], and the children [and grandchildren].”
  • Now, “work harder than ever for the Lord, because of your [Nate]. I commend you to the God of all comfort.”

Only God could have orchestrated such a creative way to not only help me during a time of need and encourage me for weeks to come, but also to do it in a way that filled the longing in my heart to hear directly from Mom.

“‘All this,’ David said, ‘I have in writing from the hand of the Lord upon me, and he gave me understanding in all the details of the plan.’ David also said to Solomon, his son, ‘Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work … is finished.’” (1 Chronicles 28:19-20)

The Truth about Marriage

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It happened at a bridal shower a decade back. The woman sharing a devotional time thought the bride would benefit from tidbits of wisdom given by long-married women. She’d prepared her talk by asking a dozen married friends to give one sentence of advice to the guest of honor.

When she asked me for my thought, Nate and I were going through a rough patch. I remember saying, “Tell her marriage is life’s great crucible.” She laughed, thinking I was joking, but I wasn’t.

During the bridal shower, she shared the statements about marriage gleaned from the “older women:”

  • “Remember to laugh at yourself.”
  • “Read the Bible and pray together.”
  • “Never criticize your husband in public.”

These were excellent nuggets of wisdom, proven true over years of time. When my crucible statement was shared, the bride laughed, along with everyone else. I laughed, too, not wanting guests to know it originated with me. But even today, from my vantage point as a new widow, I don’t think I’d withdraw my statement.

We’ve all heard preachers say, “God isn’t as interested in our happiness as in our growth.” Scripture backs that up. We also know our greatest spiritual growth occurs during times of trouble. When life is a party, we don’t need help; when we’re crying, we turn to God.

What better way for him to ensure we stay close than to put stressful circumstances into our marriages? I’m not talking about the honeymoon or the newlywed stage, although some couples find they’re in a crucible immediately. But even those who’ve had a good launch come to tough stuff eventually.

I think God had our personal growth in mind when he invented marriage. Two people, usually opposites, come together with a desire to make each other their number one priority, not just for a while but for life. It’s an impossible goal, because with the first argument, priorities wobble.

So, God designs custom-made tests for each couple to coax them into pulling him into the mix. Some are like pop quizzes, short, with easy solutions:

  • “Can’t you put your dirty clothes in the hamper?”
  • “Why don’t you call, if you’ll be late?”
  • “You forgot to write down that check amount!”
  • “Are you ever on time?”

These are irritants, not crucibles. Over time, we learn the benefits of compromising. If we love our partners, we won’t “go to the wall” over these things.

But some God-designed tests truly are crucibles:

  • poverty
  • infertility
  • a retarded child
  • in-law troubles
  • job loss
  • an affair
  • bankruptcy
  • disease
  • a stillborn baby.

Statistics prove that when excruciating tests come, marriage casualties occur as well. So how can a relationship survive if God allows such pain? The only way is to square off with our spouses and say, “We won’t let this pull us apart. Let’s figure out how to pull together instead and pass this test.” Usually the answer involves God.

My husband is gone now, and I’ve been quick to look back and say, “I sure wish I’d done that differently,” or “I definitely failed my test there.” For me, time’s up. Nate and I will be given no more opportunities to pass marriage tests. For other people there are still chances.

wedding silouettes 2

Scripture says the way to succeed at this, right in the middle of the stress, is to ask, “What can I do for you, dear, right now? What would mean the most?” We don’t readily set aside our own suffering to ask those questions, and it isn’t possible without God’s strength. But if we do it, God brings us through the crucibles in tact and stronger because of them. There are other rewards, too: harmony, joy, increased love, better sex, a heart for each other and yes, periods of full-on happiness.

But just like when we watch an airplane approach the runway, we see the lights of the next one in the distance. Husbands and wives need to know that more challenges are on the way. With God as our tutor, the Bible as our study guide and a desire to pass every test, high-quality, long marriages will be the reward.

“Be of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:2-4)

Buying a new calendar

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Every November I buy a new calendar, and last week I did it again. What will be written on the 2010 calendar by the time we come to next November buying the 2011 calendar? Time marches relentlessly on.

Last week I talked with our children about the two months immediately past, with my current calendar in front of me. My purpose was to use a green marker to highlight everything that happened to Nate from the September 22 discovery of his cancer to his November 7 funeral. While we were living those six weeks, the days were so full we didn’t have time to write everything down.

The kids and I went back to those tumultuous days and recalled details. “That was the day we found out. That was the day he had the big scan. That was the day he fell for the first time. That was the day his friend visited. That was the day we started with Hospice.” On and on we talked while I wrote all over the little squares on my calendar. It felt like we were honoring Nate’s suffering by recording the details of his decline in indelible ink.

green ink on calendar small

One day about half way through the six weeks of cancer, I remember saying to Nate, “You’re not the only one with a death sentence. We’ve all got one. It’s just that we can see yours on the calendar, and for the rest of us, it’s still written in invisible ink.”

Each year when I buy a new calendar, I put the old and new together on a table and flip the pages, recording significant birthdays with an orange pen. “Luke, 38. Emily, 37.” Adding one more year as I write each name on the 2010 calendar is a sharp reminder of our inability to stop time. Nate used to tap the glass on his watch with his index finger and say, “Nobody beats this guy.”

All of us are given 24 new hours every morning except for that one morning (known only to God) when each of us will be given less. For Nate, that morning was November 3. He was given only until 7:35 pm, which was when time ran out for him. Back in September or even October, none of us knew that day or that hour, but now we all know it. Likewise, none of us knows the day or hour when time will run out for us, but it is known God.

Most of Nate’s battle with cancer took place in October. At the beginning of September, when I’d flipped ahead to October to see what was coming, there was no green ink. As a matter of fact, not having a child in school for the first time in 36 years, we were unbound by any rigid schedule and had begun planning our first trip away from our newly emptied nest. The only hindrance was Nate’s painful back, so our trip was going to be close and short, to Greenfield Village near Detroit.

Little did we know our October trips would all be in the other direction, from our tiny little Michigan town to Chicago’s Loop for doctor appointments, medical tests and radiation treatments. We never made it to Greenfield Village. Although our calendar was packed with activity, none of it was planned by us or known ahead of time.

As I look at my new 2010 calendar, its pages clean and white,  I wonder what will be written on its squares. As Mom used to say, “Only God knows, and he won’t tell.” The only way to move from one calendar to the next without being swamped with anxiety is to consciously put every little square under the control of the omniscient God. Since he already knows what will be on the calendar, it’s best to put him  in charge.

“The length of our days is seventy years—or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. For a thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past, and as a watch in the night. O satisfy us early with thy mercy; that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” (Psalm 90:10, 4, 14)