Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Not Quite

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Clear glassI absolutely love clear, chunky glass. It doesn’t much matter what shape it’s in, whether a figurine, a bowl, or just a blob, but the thicker the better. Imperfections or bubbles in the glass make it all the more interesting, and looking through a piece of it is something I often stop to do.

Ice does the same thing for me. The other day I was dropping some cubes into my tea and said, “Look, girls! This ice is almost completely clear!”

As I studied the beauty of each piece stacked in my glass, the girls were unimpressed. “Mom,” Louisa said, “it’s just ice, and it’s cold whether it’s clear or not.” She didn’t get it.

There’s one chronic problem with lovers of clear glass, though. We can hold it, gaze into it, and look through it, but we can’t get into it. Laugh if you must, but to be fully satisfied, that’s really what we want to do. There’s a whole world inside a chunk of glass.

Ice castleI remember a special moment on a family vacation to the wintery Northwoods of Wisconsin one January. We visited the resort town of Eagle River and found a spectacular castle built with blocks of ice. Although it was dark outside, the castle was lit from inside, and some of the ice was clear and gasp-worthy.

Appreciation for the iceThat evening, while I reveled in the thick ice, our children, ages 16 to 20 months at the time, were enjoying the display, though not nearly as much as I was. Then I saw 7-year-old Hans put both hands on an ice block and press his nose in close. I came up behind him and said, “Isn’t it fabulous?”

“I see stuff in there, Mom,” he said.

Maybe what he really meant was, “I’d like to get in there and see it firsthand!” If that was it, for those few seconds he and I were on the same wavelength.

But as we walked away from the castle, I experienced the same incomplete feeling I always get when studying clear ice or glass. It’s a “not quite” sensation, something similar to our soul-feelings when we can’t quite see God or experience his physical presence. There are times when we have such an intense longing we can hardly stand it, but in this life our experience of him will always fall short of being deeply satisfying.

Thankfully his plans for our future include the one-on-one, visible relationship our hearts crave. The “not quite” will turn into “complete”. I’ve heard it theorized that hell might be the absence of God’s presence, meaning that the human heart’s longing for him will never be satisfied. And I can’t imagine any greater loss.

ChunkyAlthough my love of clear glass can’t compare to my love for the Lord, in the back of my mind I have a feeling he’ll take away that less important “not quite” too, and turn it into something wonderfully complete.

“All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.” (Psalm 38:9)

Is that funny?

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Three StoogesNate had a fabulous laugh. If he thought something was funny and once got going, there was no stopping him till he’d slapped his knee pink and used his hankie to wipe tears away. He had what I used to call a “Three Stooges Sense of Humor,” laughing with gusto at slapstick comedy. Although I don’t find the stooges that funny, watching Nate go all-out laughing at them was hilarious.

Laughter, however, can communicate all sorts of things that aren’t especially funny: sarcasm, mockery, scorn, fear, disrespect. We see all of these laughs mentioned in the pages of Scripture (40-some times) but no one would characterize the Bible as a funny read. The several times God himself laughs, it’s out of derision toward nations that rejected him.

Because God is our heavenly Father, he probably enjoys watching our moments of joyful-laughter much like any parent delights in seeing their children happy. But there are times in the Bible when a laugh is inappropriate, and in that context, he disapproves. One interesting example appears in Mark, and though I’ve read the story multiple times, I didn’t notice the laughing part until a week ago.

Jesus was walking from one town to another, healing people along the way as he often did, when he entered the home of a 12 year old girl who’d recently died. The official mourning period had begun with a crowd of people loudly weeping and wailing, but when Jesus walked in, he stopped them. “What’s all the commotion about?” he said.

His comment made no sense to the mourners, but he was about to perform an incredible miracle and was laying the groundwork for it. Knowing that  Jesus was a worker of wonders, the wailers ought to have stepped back in silence, expecting him to say or do something incredible.

But when he said, “She’s not dead, just asleep,” their response was just the opposite. They laughed. (Mark 5:39-40)

Jesus brings a girl from deathJesus didn’t appreciate their disbelief and immediately insisted everyone leave (except the girl’s parents). Because of the mourners’ mocking laughter, they missed out on what would surely have been the highlight of their lives: witnessing Jesus bring a dead person back to life.

A good question for all of us is, “If I had been there, would I have laughed, too?” Even today, when God tells me something illogical or even preposterous, do I inwardly think, “Like that’s gonna ever happen!”

Or do I drop my jaw in believing expectation and say, “I can’t wait!” God is looking for people who believe in him all the way. No caveats, no partial approval, just full-on acceptance of everything he says.

As for those loud wailers in the little girl’s house, they missed a rare opportunity to have their faith personally strengthened by Christ himself…. all because they laughed.

“The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chronicles 16:9)

Listen Up

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Last night I came across a hand-written page of information I hadn’t seen in years. It was a few brief notes taken on the back cover of a 5 x 7 spiral notebook. I recognized the data as my speed-scribbling during Nate’s doctor appointment in August of 2009, one month before we learned of his cancer.

Just wondering...Nate was scheduled for back surgery to relieve the pain of multiple herniated discs and needed a pre-op physical. Though his pancreatic cancer was advanced by then, we didn’t know anything about it, and except for his back pain, he felt fine going into the exam.

He’d lost 31 pounds in preceding weeks but had been trying to do so after breaking the 200 pound mark on the scale. By eating smaller portions and skipping desserts, he was approaching his goal and felt good about that. People were complimenting his weight loss.

Physical exam dataMy brief notes summarized the internist’s comments as he examined Nate:

  • BP – 142 over 98
  • Poor facial color
  • Weight – 178 (jeans on)
  • Fluid in left ear (no pain)
  • Wheezing in lungs
  • Lump under right arm (pit)
  • Lump over left collar bone
  • Blood in stool – recommends colonoscopy
  • Acid reflux – possibly an ulcer – blood

The doctor recommended a colonoscopy and endoscopy, promising to FAX the name and number of the correct office to us. And as Nate was being directed to radiology for a chest x-ray, the doctor said goodbye, telling us he’d call with blood test results in a few days.

That afternoon as we drove from Chicago back to Michigan, neither of us was worried. Sure, Nate’s blood pressure was higher than his usual 110/70, but we attributed that to his severe back pain, coupled with work stress. Besides, both of us had watched the doctor carefully, not sensing any apprehension on his part as he’d examined Nate.

In a few days, though, disturbing news began filtering back to us. “Your blood numbers seemed a bit off, so we’d like to do a few more tests.” Even that, however, didn’t bother us. “It’s probably nothing,” Nate said. He had lived 64 years with flawless health and had no personal doctor. Surely nothing was wrong.

It was a classic case of poor listening; we heard only what we wanted to hear.

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Physical stats aren’t the only things people mishear. Often we’re listening for information from God, but what we want to hear gets in the way of what he’s really saying. It’s difficult to sweep away the clutter of preconceived ideas and wishes, but if start there, we’ll gradually become better listeners.

The best way to accomplish that is to ask God to clear our minds of unnecessary information when we’re trying to hear him. He’s glad we’re listening and because of that, he’ll bless us with a clear focus.

And to our benefit, he’ll do that whether we’re listening to him, to a doctor, or to anyone else.

“Dear friend, listen well to My words; tune your ears to My voice…. Concentrate!” (Proverbs 4:20-21, The Message)