Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Good Advice

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If I were you, I’d…
I think you should…
You ought to…
You’d better consider…

Some people are always offering advice, whether solicited or not.

Nate never lectured that way, although he was always ready with an opinion if asked. I often went to him for counsel when I didn’t know what to do next. His head was regularly more level than mine, and I knew I could count on hearing ideas in a realm I hadn’t yet considered.

Recently a long-time friend sent me two letters written by Nate. He’d mailed them to her and her husband in 1986, and she knew I’d appreciate “hearing from Nate” now. These friends of ours were going through a financial squeeze much like we were at the time, and Nate had been touched by their plight.

The first letter’s purpose was to encourage them. He quotes Winston Churchill’s statement, “Never, never, never, never give in!” and refers to Roosevelt’s speech about trying valiantly rather than giving up without a fight. Nate wrote, “Tough as it is, it’s much better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all.”

In four handwritten pages, he gives only two short sentences of advice: 1) Keep your attitude up, and 2) call me if you want some free lawyer advice on your lawsuit.

It warmed me to see Nate’s large, loopy handwriting again, although I used to fuss at him for not writing more legibly. But better than the penmanship was his message. I remember those days well, dark with worry and full of complaint. Nate was not only frustrated with his career plunge but felt like a personal failure to his family, which included six children at the time. Yet somehow he came up with four pages of uplifting words for our friends.

None of us can say why life has to include massive failures and disappointments. Maybe it has to do with our asking God to make us more like Christ. That doesn’t come without suffering or pain, and hardship gives us that chance. Of course we can become angry about it, but that’s hardly fair if we’ve asked for exactly such opportunities.

Trials push us to Scripture and prayer, which brings us closer to God. Coming closer to God results in rubbing shoulders with Jesus, which in turn makes us more Christ-like. What begins as harmful can turn out well.

In Nate’s second letter, he relates the details of his own struggle. I sense that writing it out long hand somehow helped him. Our financial future was spinning like a tornado, and summarizing it on paper seemed to bring a measure of calm into his personal storm.

He ends with an invitation for these friends (who lived one state away) to come and visit us, writing out exact driving directions to our house. Although this couple now lives four states away, we are still “close”…

…close enough for them to know how much I would love receiving two letters from Nate.

“You are a letter from Christ… This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.” (2 Corinthians 3:3)

All Broken Up

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Recently a group of us rented a condo in Florida, and as we were leaving, one year old Micah tripped on a lamp cord and pulled it to the ground, shattering it. Klaus took the evidence to the property manager, who shrugged it off saying, “Don’t worry about it.” He wouldn’t even let us pay for it.

Once back at home, I went to the post office to pick up my vacation mail. Passing the drive-up mailbox I noticed it was broken, too. The once-narrow mail slot had been wrenched open to resemble a camping tent, its metal twisted by someone driving too close. No doubt the car’s side mirror went home broken, too.

Yesterday while cleaning out my china hutch, I broke a small mirror. Today I broke a votive candle. And that’s how life goes. Stuff gets broken.

The lamp, mailbox, mirror and votive can be repaired or replaced without too much trouble, but what about breaks that aren’t so easily fixed?

During the same Florida vacation, my nephew-in-law broke his elbow while playing racket ball, careening full force against an unforgiving wall. Three weeks later he’s still experiencing pain and inconvenience from the break, but eventually it’ll heal.

There are other breaks, though, that never seem to mend, like broken hearts. We’ve all had our share through disappointment, treachery, dashed hope, regret, betrayal, death. I think God sees our grief in these situations and comes in close, reminding us of his presence and love. The hurt may not be completely repaired on this side of eternity, but the Lord partners with us to share the burden.

There is one kind of break, however, that causes God to rejoice. It’s the broken heart we experience when convicted of our own sin. Psalm 51 says, “The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”

A willful break from God leads to a broken spirit, which God is good at fixing. He makes a supernatural repair superior to anything Super Glue can do. And on the other side of that fix is God’s forgiveness and our joy.

I’ve broken quite a few things in my life, but so has God. He’s broken something that turned out to be spectacular for us; he broke the power of sin, which is what Jesus accomplished on the cross. Because of that we are dead to sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus. (Romans 6) His break led to our being repaired.

My parents taught these things to us from childhood, and Mom also made sure she covered several other breaks. One night when I was 17 and in a dating relationship, she said, “How’s your love life?” She knew I wouldn’t share any secrets but wanted to crack open the door, just in case.

“Fine,” I said.

Then she said, “If any guy breaks your heart, I’ll break his neck.”

I know that was just her “cool” way of saying she loved me, but when a boy did eventually break my heart, I sure-as-shootin’ didn’t tell Mom.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18)

Looking Back, Part 2 of 2

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Yesterday I shared three things I wish I could go back and do differently in reference to Nate’s 42 days of cancer. Here are six more.

My hope is that these will be of practical help for anyone currently traveling with a loved one on the difficult journey of terminal illness:

4.  I wish I’d taken many more pictures of Nate before he got so physically depleted it was awkward to do so. With only six weeks of cancer, we had only three of acceptable picture-taking time.

5.  By the time I realized I didn’t have all the answers about our shared paperwork and tax stuff, it was too late to get them. Confusion began to pepper our conversations unexpectedly, and we weren’t sure if what he was telling us was accurate. His help with answers to my brother’s questions about his law practice (and there were hundreds) was non-existent after day #25. It would have been a blessing to all of us to have concentrated on these questions almost immediately.

6.  I regret not asking Nate, “Is there anything I’ve said or done that is standing between us and needs to be settled?” Of course I would need to have had thorough preparation by the Holy Spirit to be ready for his answer and the difficult discussion that might have followed. But this is a good question for any wife (or husband) to ask any time. It might be especially important as death is on the horizon.

7.  Pulling out old photo albums would have been a rewarding way to use precious together-moments. Counteracting the darkness of terminal cancer, family pictures would have prompted laughter and light-hearted remember-when’s. During those moments when neither of us knew how to cope, it would have been a welcome lift from miserable circumstances.

8.  When we say goodbye to any loved one, whether it’s after a shared meal or a week’s vacation together, we usually make it a point to say thank you. When we’re about to say goodbye because of death, thank you’s are doubly important. I wish I’d thought back to the endless kindnesses Nate had shown me, then talked about them, thanking him again and again. It would have made for sweet conversation.

9.  As soon as we discovered Nate was not going to live much longer, I viewed him as fragile and touched him accordingly. Looking back, it would have been lovely to have had more husband-wife time in private during the early days. I didn’t realize how quickly there would be other eyes and ears in the room helping us, but also watching and listening, making intimate moments impossible.

More and more I find myself looking forward, but I hope this look back can be useful to someone who’s still in the middle.

“The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.” (Psalm 121:8)