Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Nelson’s journal 5/10/22  

Posted on by

On this date, Nelson is journaling on his laptop from a hospital bed. His pain and breathing issues had escalated rapidly, resulting in two separate trips to the ER.

                                                 <<<<<<<<<<

May 10, 2022 

Today is day 2 at the hospital, my second time coming in to the ER because the pain and coughing were so severe. Annso pretty much insisted I do it. I went to campus and taught the Korean Foundation School, then came home, ate a nice salad with her and came up here [to the hospital].

Once I was here, there was this really young doctor who zeroed right in on fluid in the lungs. Once I told him I was coughing so hard at night and that I was so out of breath, he ran and got a mini-ultrasound machine and found fluid in my heart cavity and lungs.

That led them to do tons of tests, including a CT scan showing a tumor or growth in my neck and a few lymph nodes in the lungs, about 11 cm at the biggest. All of a sudden the fluid makes sense, the cough, and none of it has to do with the Thyroid, which is what everyone has been looking at.

At this point the admitting doc calls me on the phone and tells me–she really thinks it’s cancer. So does the tech who does these scans all the time. They will test more tomorrow, including a full body CT scan to see what else is going on. Maybe there are things growing in other places, not that these places aren’t severe enough.

When she told me that, I could hardly believe it, but at the same time, I could. All the intense pain and coughing now add up. I even said a couple times, “If I was told I had stage 3 lung cancer, I would believe it, because it feels like I think that would feel.”

It’s yet to be confirmed, and I would love for her to be wrong, but everyone is praying and it seems a likely scenario. Lots of things come into perspective all of a sudden, but I’m trying not to go worse-case-scenario right away.

I think of what happened to Papa and wonder, “Will I be alive this time next year? Will I be alive at Christmas? Will I be alive still even in August?” Unknown for all of us, but especially me. I don’t know anything. But the people I worry about the most are Annso and Will. What will they do? How hard for them will it be?

I would have the easier situation, and they’d be left to pick up the pieces. How terrible. How terrible for her to be turned into a single Mom so soon after our answer to prayer and miracle baby. I don’t even want to ask WHY. Doesn’t matter, and no answer will come to that one anyway.

I just think of those who went before me and how they did it. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that and I can beat it, whatever “it” is.

God, help me to know what to do now, to be the best man to Annso, strong and optimistic, someone she can rely on and who knows what to do, the one who may not know, but who knows who to trust.

I pray for strength. I pray for healing, for a miracle, for different results on tomorrow’s test, for there to even be a mistake somehow. Thank you for getting Annso in here [hospital] today. That was a miracle [because of strict Covid rules]. I pray she gets in tomorrow too. I pray for supernatural strength for her too.

What will happen to us? To me? To Will? Tomorrow will worry about itself. Amen.

                                           <<<<<<<<<<

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)

Nelson’s journal 5/6/22  

Posted on by

Nelson’s poor health is lingering without improvement. But he’s hoping it’ll resolve before their summer vacation begins when they hope to drive an RV from California to the Ark Encounter in Kentucky–connecting with 28 family members there. The medical community is still describing his symptoms as a thyroid problem.

                                                           <<<<<<<<<<

My thyroid is in and out. Yesterday was pretty good but with lots of fatigue in the afternoon, but today was fatigue pretty much all day and nausea later on. Not the most pleasant disease in the world.

Long term sickness is no fun with an uncertain timeline. Each adjustment in meds takes 3-4 weeks to plain out, then blood work, then another adjustment. Right now I’m not taking anything other than some heartburn meds to see if that has any effect on the cough. So far, nothing has touched that at all.

Seems like the doc thinks that that will plain off once the swelling in the thyroid goes down. No sermons to prepare. Sold the blue truck the other day. Lots of good stuff is happening. Ron Ryan is looking at an RV for me in San Diego for our road trip this Summer. It’s a vintage Toyota from 1979. I hope it’s not too old.

We want to take it from California to the Ark in about 2 week’s time without going on the interstate. Slow but steady. Seems to be in good shape, but they want a little too much for it.

We met with a really sweet Kokua Crew couple to help them decide their future. They are such sweet people, full of faith. “God told me this. God told me that.” They are such a cool expression of God’s heart. Both Annso and I are more the stoic, European/Scandinavian style of people. Less emotional and more practical. Fun to see God work within the differences. Thankful for YWAM and diversity.

It’s Friday night. We’re chilling at home as usual cause it’s too much hassle taking Will anywhere. Hoping the trip works out good with all the movement. We travel well together, so that’s good.

I hope my sickness is somewhat “at bay” by the time we leave, because we really don’t have health care outside the islands unless we pay for it. But here, everything is covered.

Annso is baking again, which is cool. We are getting the parenting thing down a bit, even though we haven’t mastered anything, if that’s even possible at any point. I pray for this sickness to resolve itself and to be normal again without meds at all. I pray it happens before June 22 when we leave. No more nausea, no more fatigue, no more cough. Those are the 3 big things going on all day and night these days. Sure helps not to take your health for granted.

Lord, I have been so healthy all my life, and for that I’m super thankful. I won’t take it for granted again, being able to run, swim, exercise, none of it. If there is something I am doing to create this problem, please let me know so I can correct it.

I’m thankful I drink less coffee this way. I wanted to cut back. Hard to be super nauseous and enjoy anything food or drink-wise. I’m sure thankful I sold that old truck for $3000. Not a big deal compared to what others are doing, but for me, it was a small victory. To resurrect something that would otherwise have gone to the junkyard, to get it running and totally legal. I thought that was pretty good.

Never did take it off road, but the 4×4 worked, so that’s cool. I’m thankful for the place you put us, the freedom we have, for the end of the Little Red Church, for the end of my career as an electrician, short-lived as it was, and for YWAM days, one after another so we can spend time together as a new little family.

I’m thankful for the cool little vehicles we have, the Miata, the Civic, the Ruckus, Metro, and the Shadow. Fun to have so many wheels all in the same place. Thankful for Ron Ryan who is looking at this RV for me. Thankful for your leading even when we don’t know.

I’m thankful that I didn’t go lead the guy’s prayer room after hearing the voice of God teaching me. Lord, you spoke through that magazine that said, “Hit the Road,” and that’s how faithful you are. Thankful that people actually want to hear my testimony. For the awesome grounds crew and their submission to what I ask, and their hard work and flexibility toward me. What a blessing.

Thank you for the summer and how Greg is thinking about coming back and helping me run the grounds team while we’re gone. Thank you that we are going to have a great staff team that prays and takes care of the place. Thank you Lord that you always give us what we need and way more. Thank you for Annso and Will and how you brought that to pass, the miracle it is.

Thank you for our parents. Thank you that you make seeing them possible this Summer. Thank you that I am speaking at the Korean Foundation School next week. What a cool thing. Thank you that you have given me the teaching already. I pray for the right words and that you would help me to include what I need to and leave out things that are not relevant to little kids.

Thank you for the Titus Project and what it taught me back in the day in Montana. I pray that you would lead us on the right road from California to Nashville in the Summer, or whichever way we take.

                                                                <<<<<<<<<<

“O Lord, if I have found favor in your sight, do not pass by your servant.” (Genesis 18:3)

Nelson’s journal 4/26/22  

Posted on by

The ongoing sleeping/eating challenges with Will are here pre-empted by Nelson’s health issues and his escalating pain. Sadly, the medical community is still focused on it being a problem with his thyroid gland. If only that had been true….

                                         <<<<<<<<<<

April 26, 2022 

My sickness still rages on in the form of a really intense dry cough and pain in my whole chest, top to bottom. Mostly that’s it, aside from being pretty tired all the time. I feel like I could lie down and sleep anytime, even right after getting up and drinking coffee. Even coffee has lost its luster, so to speak. Hard to swallow.

Right now I’m listening to Will scream it out in the next room. We had a really nice morning together so far, but it goes south whenever it’s time to eat or sleep. Once we get to that point, I try to feed him, which increases his irritation, then eventually swaddle him and cuddle him to sleep.

But once he’s in the crying mode with me, he’s not going to settle, so there’s just one other option. That’s to try to get him comfortable and put him in the crib. Then it’s up to him. After that, it’s usually complaining-crying until he goes into full “billy-goat” screaming mode. Right now, I’d say there’s a 10% chance he goes to sleep, but usually Mama will awake and rescue him. She has what he wants and can usually calm him, unlike what I can do.

I’m proud of him though. We visited the doc first time yesterday, and he came in at 90% for his age in weight and height. Doc said he looks and sounds great. We have our issues, but Annso is the eternal optimist, and that’s our saving grace most of the time. Attitude is everything.

There is a picture on the wall from Samuel that says, “For this child I have prayed.” It’s a great reminder about the miracle he is. I’m excited that he keeps growing and even though people say, “Don’t wish the time away or rush through it,” I’m not much into the newborn stage, I have to say. He’s adorable, but there are so many times when I have nothing more I can do and it’s just screaming, which has all this failure and guilt attached to it for me.

I try not to over-think it and just be thankful for who he is and what we have. I’m excited that at some point, maybe I’ll be healthy again and be able to lick this Thyroid thing, even if that means getting it removed. I don’t want to lose my voice box or any other disaster that might happen in a surgery. I wonder, does it shrink down if they just “kill it” like they talk about doing?

All I know is, this is no kind of life I live now. No exercise, very little joy because of the constant pain and fatigue of the whole thing. I know what it must feel like to be 90 years old. Super tired and lots of pain in the body all over the place.

 

But I’m excited about our trip to the mainland to camp our way across the US in our RV, the one we don’t yet have. I’m working on Ebay and Cragslist to see if I can’t get a good one.  

                                                 <<<<<<<<<<

 “The God of all comfort comforts us in all our troubles.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)