Nelson’s journal 4/19/22

Posted on May 31, 2023 by Margaret

Through the laptop keyboard Nelson wonders what it’s like to be “good salt and a bright light” in the kingdom of God. He also wonders if it’s possible to schedule a one month old child. On top of all that, he’s thinking about moving a short distance away from the crowd of Kokua Crew workers. That way his family would be slightly less around-the-clock available.

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April 19, 2022

I just got Will back to sleep. 5:45am. We’re trying to get him on these morning and afternoon schedules. But he’s barely 1 month old, so we are told to let it slide (as if we have a choice), but you can push pretty hard for what you want.

I’ve come so close to moving to Kama Aina Hale [a neighboring subdivision that would put a short distance between Nelson’s family and the big Kokua Crew], but never really got around to it. Maybe when we get back from our Summer trip we can move over there and be less bound [24/7] to Kokua Crew. It would be nice to be involved in a different way than the way we are now.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:13-16)

Am I a light of the world? Is that how someone would describe me? Is the light of Jesus shining off me? Is he shining through most Christians (or people who claim to be)?

I’m reading the book, Hawaii by James Michner, and most of the missionaries’ kids became greedy and got involved in business and getting as much land as possible, not to mention that it belonged to the Hawaiian people. It eroded their own character, going after the money like they did.

They were no different than their pagan counterparts. And if they are not different, then are they even Christians in anything more than word? Are we anything more than that? I think we are. At least my wife is. We pray. We seek you, Lord, but are we after the money too? Do we act honestly all the time? Do we let money get out in front of doing the right thing?

Jesus says, we are the salt of the earth but that it’s possible to “loose your saltiness” and become worthless. “You are the light of the world.” Would he call me the light of the world? What am I doing that would set me apart from the darkness of the world and say I am the light or I am the salt?

It’s not by works lest any man should boast, but there should be signs of being a Christian for sure. How does a person lose their saltiness? They probably fall asleep spiritually and just cool off. That’s the biggest danger over a big fall I think, getting comfortable and lazy, not knowing anything is even wrong and being worthless in the kingdom of God.

How does a person avoid that? Fasting maybe? This comes right after the Beatitudes. Jesus describes a Christian in that progression we are familiar with, then reminds us not to “loose our saltiness.” I pray for a tender heart and to be more kind, etc. I’m not sure having a child does that. I love him but don’t have a problem letting him cry it out. It’s what works, and I’m for good results.

The last thing I want is a soft, high maintenance kid who expects everything brought to him on a sliver platter. Does that sound like compassion? Does it sound like love? I hope so. Here I am, missing the Tuesday night meeting to watch him, which has been a challenge. Annso is at the meeting. It’s one of my dreams about having children, not having to go to meetings if at all possible.

I always envied Ad Curington [brother-in-law], who would be watching a few kids while the rest of us got dressed up and went out to a formality. I thought, “What a smart man. How did he line it up like that for himself?” Now I have that too. 😉 Now I’m a “smart man.”

Finally caught up on my to-do list. It’s nice to sit here in the quiet. Had another batch of blood work done today to check in about my thyroid and see where I’m at. I’ve had more blood taken in the last couple months than in the whole of my life combined before that. It’s been a season of sickness mixed with fatherhood. So far, the whole time I have been a father, I’ve been pretty sick feeling. It was almost seamless, the transition.

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“Do not be discouraged. The Lord your God will be with you.” (Joshua 1:9)

Nelson’s journal 4/7/22

Posted on May 23, 2023 by Margaret

The ongoing struggle with newborn Will’s sleeping and eating is taking a toll on Nelson, and he finds himself getting impatient. He also acknowledges his “sickness” as being difficult enough to try to trim his busy YWAM schedule. But there are always things to be thankful for…

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April 7, 2022

Had a tough morning with Will trying to get him to eat, to sleep, to poop. He doesn’t really do those things so well. Lots of struggle on all counts. We hope it’s the milk or something Annso is eating, but maybe it’s God’s way of getting me back for all the resistance I gave him over the years. Time will tell.

Having a son is like I thought in some ways, but not in others. Rob told me it made his heart grow 3 sizes bigger. So far, in my only 3 weeks as a father, it’s made the evil and blackness in my heart more evident to me, how frustrated I get, and how easily I go there.

But God didn’t save us because we are good. He saved us because we suck. It’s probably time for a gratitude inventory. Some of the old AA stuff never gets old.

I’m thankful for all the rain we prayed for. Finally. Thank you for that Lord. I’m thankful for being able to see a specialist for my Thyroid. I’m thankful for my son Will and that you gave him to us through such a struggle.

Thank you for Annso, the best woman and human being on the planet. How did I get her? How does she love me? I guess I’ll never know. Thank you for John being back and for the staff we have here helping us run Hale Ola so we can pay attention to Will and I can lay a bit lower because of my sickness. Thank you for forgiveness and the ability to come to you over and over.

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“The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies Me.” (Psalm 50:23)

Lymphoma?

Posted on February 5, 2023 by Margaret

As Nelson’s hospital stay at the Kona hospital continued, doctors tried to pin down all that was wrong with him. Because of “unnumbered” nodules in his lungs, they went with lymphoma. Nelson was glad to hear it wasn’t lung cancer.

He had smoked off-and-on since his late teens but hadn’t had a cigarette for over six years. Surely that had been enough time to clean out his lungs from whatever damage might have occurred during his smoking years. And many lung cancer patients didn’t smoke at all, which meant, in Nelson’s case, it was possible he wasn’t responsible for bringing on the lung cancer. He hoped that was true.

From his journal:

May 12, 2022

I’m at the hospital for the 4^th night now. Last time I was admitted here was in 2003 when I was almost killed in that wreck with [cousin] Andrew. This time, I might be here because I was reckless, too, [by smoking] but not recently. Maybe the mass in my lungs is from smoking or any number of other things that could give you lung cancer. It’s pretty much what I have. You never think it will happen to you, even though you have a chest pain once in a while and think of worse-case-scenarios like that.

Then all of a sudden a doc calls me on the phone after looking at a scan and tells me, “We found a mass next to your heart, and nodules without number in your lungs. Looks like general lymphoma.”

More tests and lots of coughing later, I’m here after having 1.3 liters of fluid drained from my right lung alone, in a hospital bed enjoying the buzz of a couple of pain pills as I stay here for the last night, hopefully.

It’s Annso’s birthday tomorrow, so I would like to be there for that if possible. She has been by every day so far. Thank God she’s willing to bend the rules when necessary, to see me. It would be super lonely without anyone with me.

Last night I had this panic attack, because I felt I couldn’t get enough air. Even just sitting here, I was out of breath, even on oxygen. [Cousin] Luke offered to help us get into the Mayo Clinic, if we wanted that.

We took him up on it, considering this island is a place where it’s hard to make things happen. When it’s something like a dryer you have on order that takes 12 weeks to get in and once it comes in, they don’t even call to tell you it’s in, you can laugh about it. When it’s your cancer scan results and they don’t bother sending them to the other doc or just lose them altogether, it’s hard to stick around and trust them with your life when there are other options.

I’m thankful, Lord, for Luke and his generosity, for BBC [Brentwood Baptist Church in TN] and theirs, for a total change of plans. For everything. Not what I would have wanted, but you can use it. I wonder how it will be. Like Papa? […died 42 days after diagnosis] Or will I get better, at least for a little while? NO one knows.

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“Do not throw away your confidence…” (Hebrews 10:35)