Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Newlywed Love (#38)

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March 4, 1970

Living in a university town offered us lots of opportunities to see interesting shows and hear fascinating people. One of those scheduled to lecture on campus was a famous trial lawyer Nate wanted to hear – William Kunstler.

Chicago SevenKunstler was America’s most controversial and best-known lawyer in 1970. He had been the defender of a group of young men called The Chicago 7 who’d been accused of conspiring to incite riots during the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago.

StudentsOutside the convention hall there had been hundreds of arrests and these 7 young men had passionately urged protesters to fight the police when they tried to disperse the crowds. Mayor Daly put 23,000 police officers on the street to control 10,000 demonstrators, and it had been chaotic for both sides throughout the 4-day convention.

All 7 of the “conspirators” (and later an 8th) had been charged, but thanks to Kunstler, none of them were found guilty after the 5 month trial. Nate thought it would be interesting to hear him speak, despite being the polar opposite of Kunstler’s liberal views.

At the last minute, however, Kunstler’s lecture was cancelled because rioting had broken out on our University of Illinois campus.

U. of IL

It was a raw time in our nation with young people protesting the Vietnam War and any kind of discrimination – of which there was plenty. Police weren’t helping the razor-sharp tension as they responded with too much force, often hurting the innocent along with the guilty.

Nate and I were disappointed not to hear Kunstler, but we were also thankful we lived off campus, away from the chaos. We did worry, though, that reserve troops like him might be called into service. The National Guard was already being used to join police on several college campuses. And that very night the Guard was put on duty at the University of Illinois.

Billy clubsIt was a frightening time of radical change for Americans, and no one knew where we were headed. The nightly news was full of violent video clips showing confrontations between students and police at scores of universities, something we’d never witnessed before. Watching a helmeted policeman hit a defenseless student with a billy club was a terrible shock.

The night of the cancelled Kunstler lecture, it was tempting to go to campus to see for ourselves what was going on. But Nate and I talked about Mary and Bervin’s experience in 1968 when they’d gone downtown to check on the protests in Grant Park.

Spraying maceAs police had coaxed crowds to disperse and people had refused, they’d sprayed mace into the group. Mary and Bervin had been greatly affected by the mace, despite trying to run away, in eyes, nose, and throat.

So wisdom dictated that the best thing for Nate and I to do was just to stay home.

“Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe.” (Proverbs 28:26)

Newlywed Love (#37)

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February 28, 1970

At Cathy and John'sAs the end of February approached, we couldn’t believe we’d already come to our 3rd month anniversary. But 1970 wasn’t a Leap Year, so the calendar hopped right over our number: 29. But that didn’t stop us from celebrating.

Our friends Cathy and John, married less than a month, invited us for dinner, and the 4 of us shared good conversation and good food. Actually there were 5 of us, if pets count.

With JeanetteCathy loved cats, and her black and white Jeanette had been grandfather-ed into their new marriage and our evening. Baby kitties were due in a few weeks, and I begged Cathy to let me come and observe the births. Having never seen anything being born, it was a big deal to me, so she agreed.

Nate wasn’t a cat person, though, and cautioned me about falling in love with the any of the newborn kittens. “Remember,” he said, “we’ve already talked about getting a puppy.” I hoped I could resist.

Cathy was a wonderful cook. She loved trying new recipes and was much better at it than I was, so each time we shared a meal, she taught me something new. Watching her work was like watching a cooking show on TV. And unlike working in my tiny “kitchenette,” she made meals in a giant kitchen with large appliances and lots of counter space.

That’s because she and John were renting the main floor of a small two-story house where a Formica-topped table and 6 chairs fit easily into the kitchen.

John and Nate

As Cathy and I got the meal ready, John and Nate talked about law school and various connected struggles. Nate was uncharacteristically quiet during dinner, so when we got home much later, I asked him about it.

“Two things were bothering me,” he said. “The first was that they let that cat jump up on the table while we were eating.”

“I know,” I said. “But at least they took her down right away. But what’s the second thing?”

“John and I were talking about what our dream jobs would be once we were out of law school, and all of a sudden he made a complete turnaround and said he was thinking about dropping out.”

“Of law school?”

“Yes. He said his real dream job was to be a writer.”

“Oh wow,” I said. “Would he really drop out now? I mean, so close to the end?”

“I don’t know. I hope not. He’s worked hard. But he sounded serious.”

We were members of a very mobile generation, and among our friends, change was a constant. I was thankful that Nate was someone who thought it was important to finish what he started. And regardless of what his friend John would do, I knew Nate would get his law degree — no matter how hard it got or how long it took.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” (Colossians 3:23)

Newlywed Love (#36)

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February 24, 1970

As the weeks of our marriage passed, Nate and I continued to enjoy each other to the fullest. But there was one thing about being married and living far from family and friends that I really missed: time with girlfriends.

With Mary downtownI especially missed my sister Mary (left), but also Lynn, Connie, Julie, my 3 apartment roommates, and my team teacher in Chicago. Though I’d been living and working in Champaign for more than 6 months and loved my job and our little apartment, it hit me that getting married and leaving town had eliminated most of my girlfriend-time.

As I wrote in my journal, “I’m no longer living the frolicsome life of an independent apartment-dweller in the big city. I’m no longer a free agent.”

But as I learned in the months leading up to our wedding, saying yes to marriage meant saying no to other things. And anytime-freedom to be with friends was one of those things.

By marrying Nate, I had chosen to put him first from then on, and I very much wanted to do that. It might take a lifetime to learn to love him in the no-holds-barred way he loved me, but I was committed to trying.

Computer generated concept of cornerstone

Computer generated concept of cornerstone

The full truth was that as we got married, we were putting a cornerstone into place that would end up being the foundation on which a new household (and maybe a family) would gradually be built – the home of Nathan and Margaret Nyman. Through the years many other stones would be added to that first one, which would end up to be the structure of our lives.

Every idea either of us had from then on needed to pass a test: Is this something that will tear down or build up our household? If we answered honestly each time and made decisions accordingly, we could be sure our home and the relationships inside of it would stand the test of time.

So where did that leave me with my girlfriends? If I spent more time thinking about, talking to, going out with friends than with my husband, small cracks would develop in our foundation. Both of us wanted our relationship to thrive – and to be #1. And we’d been told that marriages suffer when outside interests and people gobble up too much time.

And so, concerning my friends “back home,” Nate and I hashed it out honestly and got all our feelings on the table. Our conclusion was that once in a while both of us could spend time and energy on relationships apart from each other. But we’d have to be very careful. And the other person’s opinion would have to matter.

Jesus as CornerstoneThen we prayed, asking God to superimpose his desires over our own whenever we might be doing harm to our marriage, sometimes even without knowing it.

As always, Nate came down on the side of lots of freedom for me, and just knowing he felt that way helped reinforce my desire to keep him as my top priority.

“Invite your friends to Champaign any time you want,” he said, “and they’ll always be welcome.”

I wrote in my journal:

“It seems so fresh being married to Nate. We talk about everything and also never miss our daily devotional time and prayer together. I think that’s doing the trick for us.”

But of course there was no trick. It was actually Jesus the Cornerstone who was part of the conversation and was keeping all the issues straight.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I lay…. a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who relies on it will never be stricken with panic.” (Isaiah 28:16)