Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Young Love (#26)

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After the weekend of the Military Ball, a relationship shift had taken place. Nate was disappointed, and though I was the reason, I felt disappointment, too – especially about his wanting to date other girls. Even so, throughout the weekend there had been many moments when we didn’t discuss our relationship, and that’s when we ran around like kids, laughed, and relished every minute together.

allerton-parkOne afternoon was spent at Allerton, 30 miles outside of Champaign, hiking the beautiful landscape. Then, parked on a blanket in the woods, we studied, did my taxes, napped… and both said the words, “I love you.”

 

Back home… from my journal:

It seems irresponsible not to commit to Nate. I feel bad about the frustration I’m causing him but don’t see a way out of it for now. What he should probably do is just produce a ring with a “guess what” attitude, and we’d probably sail happily through life together.

One thing I’ve learned about myself during these months is that I’m good a snap decisions, but the long-range ones just kill me. I feel like Nate and I are only at the beginning of our relationship, while he thinks we’re well down the road. One thing is sure: I’ve just got to get (my old boyfriend) out of my head.

April 17, 1969 – Dear Nate. After talking with you at length about our relationship last weekend, I don’t know what to think. You are right to say you will date around, but I’m at a loss to say what should happen next. I do love you. And when I think of truly losing you, I get scared. But I don’t really “have” you, do I.

April 18, 1969 – Dearest Meg. Our spiritual time on Easter Sunday and the prayer times of last weekend are very meaningful to me. Since then my Bible reading time (at lunch) has been better understood by me. Jesus Christ is my first love and the first commitment of my life. But I also love you. And He will lead us.

April 19, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m feeling rather blaa tonight… not depressed or in a bad mood, just sad that you and I aren’t together. I am missing you. I tried to call you tonight, but I guess I didn’t expect you to be home on a Friday evening. I know the Army is going to “hold you captive” for 18 hours starting tomorrow, so of course you went out. I guess I’ll just go to bed early and try to cheer myself by thinking back to the many good moments of last weekend. It sure was fun at Allerton Park. I love you.    Meg

restingApril 20, 1969 – Dearest Meg. I awoke this morning thinking of you and wishing you were still at my side. I’ve thought of a sweet little nickname for you: “Maj.” It’s your initials, M.A.J. What do you think? I still love you very, very much and am looking forward to sharing my schedule with you a week from now when you come down during your spring break. I want to be with you.

April 20, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’ve discovered that you mean more to me than I have admitted through all of this self-searching about marriage. In a way, you have a great deal of power over me and my emotions, more than you know. It’s a good kind of power. I need someone like you who will reassure me over and over of the love he feels for me, probably for the rest of my life. Is there another like you anywhere? I doubt it. I have so many things to talk to you about when I see you. It makes me happy to know that will be soon.

“Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no.” (James 5:12)

Young Love (#25)

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The school year was passing, and Nate’s and my relationship was gaining strength – from my point of view, too. And then, as before, my old boyfriend resurfaced. He called and invited me to play a few games of the wonder sport, tennis, and springy weather made his request tempting. Everything in me screamed, “Don’t!”

But I did.

tennisI knew I loved Nate. But I knew I had loved the other guy, too, and such strong feelings don’t just poof away. They need time to diminish. I didn’t tell anyone I was meeting him, knowing they’d all call me a fool. And deep inside, I knew that’s what I was.

After our tennis, we went out to eat and then back to his place where we talked and talked – till 5:30 AM. He told me he still felt about me the same way he did when we were in a romantic relationship. I was flattered… and nervous. I told him about Nate, that we were seeing a lot of each other, and he disapproved. No surprise. I sensed that once I left him that night, I’d never be back. Spending all that time with him was much like someone starting a new diet plan but bingeing the night before.

The next day, however, I had to pay the piper. I needed to tell Nate about the date when we met in Champaign — but only at the right moment. Expecting he would respond with patient acceptance as before, I was in for a big surprise.

April 10, 1969 – Dear Nate. While I was getting organized for our upcoming weekend, I was munching on a piece of the salt water taffy you gave me, and out came one of my fillings! So I had to take time off to visit the dentist. I didn’t want that big hole to ruin our weekend with its zapping pain each time I bit down on it. But now, all is well. And I’ll see you very soon! Love, and more love, Meg

April 10, 1969 – Dearest Meg. Your idea about visiting me during your spring break is great! When is it? I have upcoming exams and an Army Field Exercise, but don’t worry about these. I would love you to be with me during them. I got to see your daily teaching routine, so it would be good for you to see my disorganized life of counseling, law, and ROTC.

After the weekend:

military-ballApril 14, 1969 – To my dear Nate. This weekend was a jewel. (Military Ball, right)

I do believe both you and I had a spiritual awakening on Easter night a week ago. It was real for both of us, a milestone in our lives. In Christ I love you, and as Nate Nyman I love you, too. I’m feeling so differently about you these days.

April 14, 1969 – Dearest Meg. You know in your heart how much I love you and want to be with you. I am extremely pleased that you enjoyed the weekend. And as soon as you make a commitment to me, we can be engaged. However, to protect my own emotions, I am going to date others also. Believe me, before I told you this on the weekend, I was on the point of falling in total and complete worshipful love of you. At the same time I knew you were not ready to commit yourself to me. That was wounding. But I still do love you.

April 17, 1969 – Dear Nate. The letter I received from you today was well written and meaningful. I read it 4 times. I was so glad I heard from you today. I think if I hadn’t, I really would have been in a bad way. This week has been very confusing. There is a barrier building between us, although sometimes I feel we are closer than ever. One minute I’m thrashing myself for remaining undecided when asked for a commitment by such a fine person as you, and I ache at knowing how unfair I’m being. But then I wonder if those thoughts are what should persuade me. I’m so sorry.

“It is the Spirit who gives life. The flesh is no help at all.” (John 6:63)

Young Love (#22)

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After I signed off with my church guy-friend, a sense of sadness set in. I looked back fondly over 7 years of dating and felt a sharp sense of loss. Now that I was closing in on an all-out commitment to Nate, I knew that playing the dating game would have to be a thing of the past. And I wasn’t at all sure I wanted it to end.

In quiet moments I began reminiscing about the fun I’d had with dozens of wonderful guys over the years, enjoying the pursuit and the catch as much as the dates themselves. Although I believed I was gradually falling in love with Nate, the idea of marriage sounded too serious too soon. My letters to him did continue to be affirming, but it was almost like I was preaching to myself: “Grow up, Margaret! Saying yes to one wonderful person means saying no to many others. It’ll be OK.”

chocolate-bunnyMar. 23, 1969 – Dear Nate. You are so patient, considerate, and kind to me. I’m glad I’m getting to know the “real you” more and more. This past weekend was beautiful. Time spent with you is always well-planned. Thank you for the things we did, for the meal with your parents, and for the Fannie May chocolate bunny! My 3 roommates and I just finished him off.

Mar. 23, 1969 – Dearest Meg. The weekend was great! My parents really loved you. “A very sweet and pretty girl,” they said. They think we’re “a nice-looking couple” and are eager for your visit to their house during spring break. Thank you for staying over Saturday night. Without that we would have had no privacy for prayer and other activity. You’re so sweet when you’re tired and sleepy. I’ll call you about our spring break plans, probably at the usual erratic hour. My apologies to you and your roomies, whoever I may awaken.

george-sweetingMar. 24, 1969 – Dear Nate. Pastor Sweeting was excellent this week. He said we can’t be successful in life without following the steps God has in mind for us. Either extreme — being fearful or having too much self-confidence —  can make us stray from His way. You and I need to be careful in making any plans, not to fool ourselves. We want to be successful in our relationship, and I hope everything will work out well.

Mar. 24, 1969 – Dearest Meg. It’s gray and rainy here, which makes excellent dreaming weather. I sit in class, Evidence in Constitutional Law, but the subject is: Johnson, Meg. She occupies my thoughts while I’m awake and my dreams as I sleep. Meg, I love you.

Mar. 24, 1969 – Dear Nate. Two letters from you today, both good ones. I appreciate it when you pen your thoughts as they flow naturally out of you, whether deep or casual. Thank you for your honesty. I’m trying to be honest in return. I’m looking forward to the end of this evening ed course I’m taking, but have made lots of friends in this class. We’ve bonded by thinking the whole course is rinky-dink, a waste of 3 hours two evenings a week. We’re all there only to fulfill requirements for the state.

Mar. 25, 1969 – Dearest Meg. Talking to you on the phone yesterday was a fabulous treat! It made the whole day go better. I get more studying done after I’ve “spent time with” you. I’m eagerly looking forward to our week together, both at your folks’ home and mine. All the logistics will come together fine. Don’t worry.

“Love is kind,” (1 Corinthians 13:4)