Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Young Love (#21)

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relaxedAlthough my old boyfriend was still popping up here and there, Nate chose to believe that “his Meg” had drawn a line in the sand and wouldn’t cross it. My words said so, and he embraced it with all his heart. Though I wasn’t ready to say yes to an engagement and the marriage that would follow, he was convinced it would happen… eventually.

As for my church friend and our continued dates, my journal told the tale:

Although he and I always have great times when we’re together, it probably isn’t fair to keep the relationship going. He’s drawn to me, but feeling a little uneasy about it. I’m drawn to him but feel a little guilty about it. Nate knows about him, but he doesn’t know about Nate. None of that seems right.

I decided to let the relationship slowly dwindle by being unavailable, though I knew that might be painful for both of us. But as I began that process, God took care of the rest. My friend decided on his own that we ought to take a break. On our last date as we talked about this, I felt a twinge of sadness – but I knew it was the right thing to do. It also meant turning full-face toward Nate, no holds barred.

Mar. 19, 1969 – Dear Nate. Your wonderful letters to me have all meant so much. You are faithful in writing, and I love each one. For example, last night I came in very late for a weeknight (2:00 AM) with my arms loaded with junk, very tired, dirty, and longing for sleep. And the first thing that greeted me was 2 ivory-colored letters from Champaign. I threw all my bundles down and ripped open the letters, reading them both twice and wishing I could call you. You made me feel so loved at that moment. What woman wouldn’t like that? I always feel good after reading what you write to me.

Mar. 19, 1969 – Dear Meg. My prayer list, which has many items, includes a prayer thanking the Lord that I fell in love with a Christian woman. You have a very healthy outlook on life, and I find myself really needing you. I love you.

cool-carMar. 19, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m very much looking forward to meeting your folks this Saturday. But oh boy, am I nervous. I’m even breaking out in pimples. But hopefully it’ll be a lot of fun, too. And some negative news: I put a big dent in the bumper of my fabulous Corvette while doing a swift parallel parking job this morning. Drat.

Mar. 21, 1969 – Dear Nate. Your phone call at midnight last night was the highlight of my day! I was so exhausted that I had come in at about 8:00 PM and plunked down on my bed for a quick nap. The list of what I needed to do in the evening was long, but I actually woke up with your call! After we said goodbye, I went right back to sleep and slept through. Ahhh. This morning I feel fantastic… with enough energy for lots of extra kisses, if you were a little closer than Champaign! See you at 10:00 AM Saturday with an expectant, enthusiastic smile. I’m looking forward to meeting your folks, but not half as much as I’m looking forward to seeing you.   Love to you, Meg

Mar. 21, 1969 – Dear Meg. I cannot wait until the morning. There is a special feeling within me when I know I will see you in a few hours: a kind of happy anxiety. I love you very much. If you accept me by fall, an engagement then until the following summer will allow us to be absolutely certain.

Mar. 21, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’ll probably see you before you get this, but it’ll be nice to get a letter after I’m gone. I always love to come home to a letter from you. It makes it easier to accept the departure when I know your greeting is waiting. My parents are looking forward to spending time with you 2 weeks from now. We’ll have lots of fun when you come. You can take my newly-tuned Corvette for a fast spin. I won’t be taking too many fast spins for a while, at least not till I get back down to 1 traffic ticket again.

“Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14)

Young Love (#17)

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happyAlthough I was trying my best to get my old boyfriend out of my thoughts, his occasional re-appearance made it impossible. I found myself sinking back into the relationship, hoping he’d call, wondering if we could be “good buddies” without a romantic involvement. In my head I knew this wasn’t possible, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Nate continued to be steady, faithful, loving, and optimistic. The letters came more often, sometimes 3 a day. I responded almost daily and was grateful he hadn’t given up on me.

As for my church guy-friend, we were becoming closer with each passing week, but this began to bother him. He hadn’t planned on falling in love at this point in his life as he pursued his goal of becoming a foreign missionary. I also began to have doubts, wondering if I could be the wife he would need, and we agreed it might be a good idea to slow everything down. We kept going out, but put a ban on anything physical.

happyMar. 7, 1969 – Dear Meg. Don’t ever feel bad for me. I know I want you and will wait and will bear the pain or pleasure of your decision. There is no pressure on you for anything approaching an immediate decision. I want you only if you want me. I love you…smooch. I loved being with you. You’re a magnificent, blue-eyed beauty. And I promise to let you know about the military ball, and the date with my parents. I must get back to my law books. I love you. Love, Nate

Mar. 7, 1969 – Dear Nate. You are a truly upright and honest man. More than ever I am glad we were introduced to each other. And the longer I know you, the more valuable I consider our relationship. I, as yet, cannot define what we have; but each time we spend time together as we did this past weekend, I figure out a bit more.

Mar. 7, 1969 – Dear Nate. I realize that if I reject your request for marriage, I would never have the right to re-ask you back if I changed my mind. It would be too late. On the other hand, if I accept your offer of marriage, it would be almost impossible for me to reverse that decision. But when I spend time with you like we just did, so many things stand out: the way you talked respectfully to that pushy salesman; your being responsible by staying overnight in your dorm (with your men); your responsiveness to my questions, even the trivial ones; your creativeness in suggestions of things for us to do in Champaign, and many more.

allerton-parkMar. 8, 1969 – Dear Meg. Daydreaming in class is nothing new for me, but now it’s always of you. I really cherish our latest weekend together. This spring we should have a picnic at Allerton Park [mansion and grounds outside of Champaign, at right]. Food and love! Ah, what a combination. We had a nasty pistol whipping here Saturday night. One guy attacked two others with a gun and knife. Don’t worry.

Mar. 8, 1969 – Dear Meg. Your letter was superb! I read it three times. Under the aegis of the Lord, our relationship grows. Walking by faith in the unseen is important. Meg, I love you. I will be patient in courting and counseling the woman I want to marry. I grieve that your confusion hurts you, but it is in the Lord’s life-plan for you. If crying helps, cry a little… but you have all the time in the world. I could hug and kiss you forever, with time out for breathing.

“Encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

Young Love (#16)

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As our letters continued, I could read between the lines that Nate’s frustration over my non-commitment was mounting. But that, I decided, was not a reason to commit. And right then, out of nowhere, my old boyfriend called again.

He asked if he could come to see my apartment, which triggered the old familiar mental swirl. I knew I needed to end all contact with him since part of me was still attached, but the temptation was too great – and I invited him to come ahead.

In my next letter, my great respect for Nate persuaded me to tell him about what had happened. In a way I hoped he would provide some idea to help me sever all contact with this boyfriend, since apparently I couldn’t do it on my own. Though my mental fog was pretty thick, the one thing I did know was that I could lose Nate over my poor decisions to continue contact with a former flame.

I hoped Nate would respond to my honest confession with loving strength. The one positive result of more time with the boyfriend was that the Lord was steadily reinforcing that we were truly mismatched. But logic doesn’t always trump chemistry.

downtownMar. 2, 1969 – Dear Nate. (My old boyfriend) called me on Monday and then came for a visit yesterday. He wanted to see the apartment. We went downtown to hear a blues band on Rush St, and they were excellent. But we’re not attached to each other in any significant sense. Talking to him for all those hours last night turned out to be wonderful therapy for my feelings. I have no desire to be back with him. I think the Lord has changed my heart.

Mar. 4, 1969 – Dear Meg. You’re fabulous! Please come Friday! Oh, I’d love to see you, hug you, pray with you! I really believe in the efficacy of prayer, and I pray for us and others every day. I miss you very, very much! Honestly, I know I am in love with you.

enthusiasmMar. 5, 1969 – Dear Meg. I’ll see you before you read this, and I await you anxiously. I want to be with you and really need you as a partner in my life. I’m glad you and (your old boyfriend) are still friends, and that you think you made the right decision. Whether this means you moving down here to teach, or getting married, or backing completely out of any commitment and breaking off from me, I don’t know. You’re completely free to decide and have all the time in the world you want. I love you. Love, Nate

Mar. 6, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m very sorry about not writing to you sooner than I did, but I raced to the mailbox in late afternoon hoping my letter would arrive to you the next afternoon. So let’s blame the pony express for my seeming silence. I feel especially bad, since you are so faithful and consistent in your letters to me.

March 6, 1969 – Dear Nate. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not responding as I should to you and really and truly wonder how you could continue to love me… and I’m not fishing for compliments. But I tell myself, “Don’t force anything.” But you are a delight to communicate with. Or, I should say, our communication is delightful to me.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” (Romans 12:12)