Category Archives: Life’s disappointments

Young Love (#15)

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As February moved into March, the letters increased and often passed each other as they traveled south and north. Sometimes two would arrive on the same day. Nate’s longing to have a reciprocated love relationship was evident, but I couldn’t bring myself to commit. My church friend was saying some lovely things to me, too – “I really enjoy being with you and would love to spend more time together.”

From the journal:

I’m a little shaken when I think about the insecurity of my romantic situation. There is still (my church friend) who I’m not dismissing as a possibility for a deeper relationship in the future. Then there is the gung-ho Nate Nyman who is sure he wants to marry me. I think I’m growing to love him back, but the thought of marriage scares me silly!

Feb. 25, 1969 – Dear Nate. It’s 10:00 PM, and I’ve just returned from a shopping spree to have dinner at long last. And boy oh boy, does it taste good… a liver sausage sandwich with lettuce, hot tea, and jello for dessert (and about 6 peanut butter cookies thrown in on the sly).

liver-sausage

Feb. 26, 1969 – Dear Nate. Since January when I moved into the apartment, I’ve gained 5 pounds. I feel fat. I need to concentrate and lose those pounds. I’ve always had an inferiority complex about my weight, especially about the chubby cheeks that dominate my face. My roommate was a huge help to me tonight as we talked about it. When I moved in here, I found a true friend.

Feb. 28, 1969 – Dear Meg. I think of you when I try to read law. I remember your softness and gentleness, and the good warm feeling I get holding you. I want to set that weekend dinner with my parents soon. I need to be with you.

gung-ho-nateFeb. 28, 1969 – Dear Nate. It’s very important to me that my family and friends get more familiar with you. I haven’t decided if that’s an immature characteristic or not. If you think it isn’t, let me know. If you think it’s immature, don’t tell me. (Just joshing.) Please counsel me and guide me in all such matters, as you feel led. If we ever got married, you’d have to counsel me endlessly – not a very bright prospect for you.

Mar. 1, 1969 – Dear Meg. I’m going to wear that fabulous knit tie to church on Sunday. Thank you again! Campus is a stick of dynamite. I fully expect fires, sniping, and the National Guard. Again last night I prayed for us. I love you, Meg.

Mar. 1, 1969 – Dear Nate. You’ll never realize how much I value your letters, including the time you put into writing and mailing them. My large kindergarten class has to perform in an all-school assembly, and guess who has been pressed into playing the piano? We’ve been spending lots of time in the assembly hall practicing. But they’re all adorable, no matter how they perform.

textbooksMar. 2, 1969 – Dear Meg. My law courses this semester are: Evidence, Corporations, Administrative Law, Commercial Law, and Constitutional Law. But it can all be very boring. I love you.

Mar. 3, 1969 – Dear Meg. You have studiously avoided saying “I love you” to me. I know you want to be absolutely sure before you say it. Take your time, please. I never want to pressure you. Those three words are the indication I wait for. If it’s God’s will that those words come from your lips, then things will firm up in a practical way. If I have to wait a year to know your feelings, it’s OK with me. But I’d like to have you down here next year as a wife. I pray for us daily. I love you.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.” (Isaiah 58:11)

Young Love (#14)

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Nate was gaining in confidence and brought up the subject of introducing me to his parents. I was a little nervous about this, since it felt like I was being nudged into a new level of commitment I hadn’t yet made.

It was nice that he seemed proud of me and was sure his folks would like me. But I didn’t want to give them (or Nate) the wrong impression. By no means was I “all in.”

hmmmHiding beneath the exciting reality of dating two great guys at once was a deep wound that still hadn’t healed – the upsetting split from my old boyfriend 4 months previously. It was continuing to fester and cause pain, and I still thought about him every day. The bottom line was, I didn’t want to commit to anyone new, fearing another broken heart.

Feb. 18, 1969 – Dear Meg. I am really beginning to need you emotionally and spiritually. Sudden desires to be with you possess me. I can’t get the times we’ve spent together out of my mind. Being with you is enough. Walking, talking, eating, watching T.V., even studying. But being together causes some very, very painful goodbyes. “Precious” is the word describing your letters… and you.

Feb. 20, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m beginning to realize that you and I are playing with fire as far as our feelings go. Either one of us could get heartbroken, but I’m trying to remain open-minded. And since we’ve signed our relationship over to the Lord, I can’t think he would give either of us any grief too great to gracefully bear. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling something for you that’s very close to love. But oh, the uncertainty of feelings! It frightens me!

hershey-kissFeb. 22, 1969 – Dear Meg. I am savoring your chocolate kiss now. I took it off the package wrapping and saved it until I got home. You’re beautiful and I love you. I am keeping my feelings in check so I won’t get hurt, but I want you to give me an indication if there’s any change in your feelings. And when the time is right, I can then uncheck my feelings.

Feb. 23, 1969 – Dear Nate. Little by little I hope the scariness of all this will dissipate. One thing I really want you to know is that I appreciate you telling me there is no pressure on me to make a decision right now. You are a most kind and considerate man. I am lucky to know you.

rFeb. 25, 1969 – Dear Meg. I wish I could hug you now! And that’s pretty passionate at 10 AM after an hour of Constitutional Law! That soft skin… I think of you through class and at many other times. Here in Champaign, the lid is ready to blow off things. Last night $55,000 worth of card catalogues were burned at the library. But now I have to go and get ready for ROTC drill. I love you. Love, Nate.

“Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in him, and he will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

Young Love (#10)

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Having had a successful connection after Christmas, Nate and I continued writing long-distance. He went back to classes, and I went back to teaching. My church friend continued to ask me out – to the Lincoln Park Zoo, Campus Crusade rallies, and long walks. We often went to his apartment and made a meal together, with or without his two roommates present.

foolin-aroundAbout this time two other guys, also from church, began to show interest. Eventually there was a third. I went out with all of them and recall one particular Saturday when I had 3 dates on one day – in the afternoon (a basketball game), in the evening (a movie), and after midnight (ice skating on a lakefront rink).

More than anything else, this dating frenzy was probably about me being too goofy to make a permanent commitment to anyone, as I began to feel that kind of heat from Nate. Amidst all of these shenanigans, the one honorable thing I did was tell him about all of these boys. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also didn’t want to lie by omission. And I continued to pray for God’s guidance.

Jan. 9, 1969, afternoon – Dear Meg. I’m glad we agreed to be completely honest and frank with each other. Let me explain about my attitude. It is patient and understanding. The fact that you like other guys and want to date them is very sweet and healthy. And while I am on this subject, you know that I wish you the very best. And if you told me tomorrow you were marrying another man, I would accept it and still like you.

thoughtfulJan. 9, 1969, evening – Dear Meg. A second letter today for you! We are in different stages of our lives, little girl. You are finished with school, are not facing the draft, and are working. The next big event in such a pretty woman’s life is marriage. And it is quite natural that she should spend her free time dating and looking for a husband. I am still in law school, have homework and ROTC and counseling to keep me very busy and fatigued. If I had ever even remotely been so selfish as to suggest you not date other men, you ought to bounce a glass bowl off the top of my head. Have a good time… and pray.

Jan. 10, 1969 – Dear Nate. Guess what! I’ve just gotten an offer from three girls from church to move in with them in their Chicago apartment! Their 4th girl just got married, leaving a vacancy. Though I don’t know any of them, I think living with them would be a blast. Their place is a “garden apartment” (basement) but has a few high windows where people’s feet can be seen walking by on the sidewalk. I’m going to meet them tonight and talk it over.

Jan. 11, 1969 – Dear Meg. One final word on understanding: I think we’ve been through many changes in our attitudes towards each other. I’m not ready for engagement or marriage either, but I do like you very much. And no matter how many others there are, you will always be a good friend, saying what you think to me without fear of hurting me.

Jan. 12, 1969 – Dear Meg. You’ll really love living with a bunch of girls — especially from church.

“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.” (Proverbs 4:25)