Real Fear

Posted on March 9, 2014 by Margaret

When Mary, Tom, and I were children, Mom and 11 other ladies formed a women’s club that met monthly to sew/knit together, share lavish desserts, and become best of friends. These 12 women produced nearly 40 children between them, all of whom grew up thinking they were cousins. As this post-war generation became adults, many of us lost track of each other, though our mothers always seemed to know who went where and did what.

Interestingly, those strong childhood ties have found us reconnecting as we’re all “getting up in years.” Whether it’s gathering to honor one of us at a memorial service or “finding” each other via social media, we seem to pick up right where we left off, a satisfying tribute to youthful friendship.

Last week one of these long-term pals appeared in my email inbox in relation to my sister’s cancer. Albion Fellows Hargrave, generally known as Al, has always been Fellows to us. He turned out to be a successful pediatrician who I haven’t seen since we were both students at Wheaton College 50 years ago. (…when Fellows was a camp lifeguard, at right)

In his email, written from the viewpoint of a medical doctor, Fellows addressed possible fears Mary might be having as she faces surgery and chemotherapy, as well as an important principle about how God factors into all of this.

From his email:

Dear Margaret,

Do you remember when Betty Elliot spoke to us on Job in [Wheaton’s] Chapel in October, 1964? * The take-home message I remembered and that influenced a lot of my practice of medicine for 40 years was, “I am not responsible for God’s behavior.”

One of the things God says to Job is “I cannot answer your questions, but I will never desert you.” The main reason is we do not have the capacity to understand his ways. A very distant approximation would be me explaining to a six month old all the important reasons why we were going to give her four immunization injections.

So many times a mother would tell her child and my patient, “Quit crying! He hasn’t done anything yet.” I would gently correct her and say I had done something very terrifying to the child. I had walked into the room. And then I would remind her that “Fear is one of the worst pains.” Rather tell your child that “Mother understands your fear and wishes she could take it away, but she can’t. However, I can promise you I will not leave you.” The mother did not understand the background, but that was an adaption of God’s promise to us out of Job, as explained by Betty Elliott.

I used it for 40 years [as a pediatrician] and it seemed to be effective. I am not responsible for God’s behavior, but he is, and that is more than enough.

Best regards,

Fellows

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” (Isaiah 55:8)

Mary’s prayer requests:

Praise for continued prayer support
Praise for peace that surpasses understanding
To stay “healthy” before surgery
For meaningful time with family, especially Bervin

*Elisabeth Elliot was a missionary married to Jim Elliot, who was massacred by the very people he was trying to reach for Christ. Betty was 30 years old at the time, with a 10 month old child.

Are you willing?

Posted on March 6, 2014 by Margaret

Recently a small group of Mary’s friends gathered with her for prayer. The first lady to pray said something that impacted me: “Lord, you know that Mary has always said yes to you, so…”

I don’t recall what came after the “so” because my mind got stuck on what came before it. The yes-to-God part. Though I’d never thought of Mary’s obedience quite like that, it was true.

Some months ago I wrote a blog about our mom being quick to say yes to us and every other kid she knew, wanting to make life fun and happy. But today I thought of Mary saying yes to God as having taken it one step further.

The results of her nod to God’s requests have been many: attending endless committee meetings, struggling through speaking gigs, participating in panel discussions, mentoring young moms, entertaining hundreds of guests, loaning out her car, keeping company overnight, teaching Bible studies, tutoring inner-city children, having the neighborhood’s “funnest” home, and much more.

Saying yes to God dictates saying no to lots of other things, monitoring every commitment with eternity’s values in view. But Mary has done that for decades, and the most impressive part is that she didn’t waver when God asked her to say yes to cancer.

We may think she didn’t have an option, since cancer came without her knowledge. A yes-or-no decision wasn’t required. But in response to learning about it, she could have lashed out in anger against God, or been consumed with self-pity, or become jealous of others who don’t have cancer, or said “Why me?” Instead she’s handled her diagnosis with grace, managing her fears and doubts by leaning harder into Scripture’s promises and working to take them at face value.

My many blog posts about Mary might be thought of as adding pressure to her already high-pressure health situation. But because it’s Mary, I know it won’t. Long ago she willingly took on the role of being a good example; and it began way back… the minute she got me as a younger sister.

My greatest hope is that I’ll be looking up to her example of saying yes to God for many years to come.

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” (Psalm 143:10)

Mary’s prayer requests:

That in the next 11 days before surgery her body will absorb food better so she can gain the weight she lost
For assurance from God daily that he is close to her and caring for her
That she will be cautiously optimistic and simultaneously realistic in her expectations

When Love Comes Easy

Posted on March 5, 2014 by Margaret

If cancer strikes someone we love, it has a way of dictating an uncertain future for the one who’s sick but also for those surrounding her. In most cases, cancer becomes a family affair. Those who haven’t been demonstrative suddenly begin hugging each other, and everybody goes out of their way to be kind. Fresh bonds are formed, and declarations of love become easier to make.

These are some of the positives God brings when circumstances seem the most negative. But how much nicer is it when families have practiced kindness and love all along, before the crisis? None of us should wait for an emergency to work at forming strong bonds or to start hugging. Families can weather storms much better when harmony is already a way of life.

Three months ago Mary turned 70. As a special birthday treat her children created a book of notes, photos, and greeting cards from family and friends, each one a tribute to their mom. Naturally her extended family was well represented in the album, along with scores of others. But when the messages were written, no one knew the birthday girl would soon be coping with cancer.

Life’s crises tend to come on us suddenly, often taking us by complete surprise. And frequently the chaos of crisis events doesn’t give us time to mend relationships or right wrongs before it’s too late. Regret sets in, and we are saddened to know we lost our chance to say and do all the good stuff before it was “forced” by circumstances. A better approach would be to steadily work at those things as we go along, day by day, keeping short accounts with those we love.

This week while texting back and forth with Mary I asked how she was feeling. Her answer was interesting. “I’ve been sitting in the sun [their condo has a southern exposure] reading my birthday book, overwhelmed by it all.”

If Mary’s kids had waited to make her birthday book until after her diagnosis, every single message would have made reference to her cancer, whether directly or indirectly, and the whole thing would have taken on a sad feel. How much more nourishing for her to be drenched in warmth this week, both from sunshine streaming through the windows and pre-cancer love radiating from her album.