Category Archives: Long Marriages

Force of Habit

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Even on vacation, needs arise for routine errands to the grocery store, the airport or a gift shop. Today I was at the Sanibel post office to finish a few mailing tasks. When I walked back into the parking lot, without even thinking I went right up to a white Chrysler mini-van identical to the one I used to own. My clicker wouldn’t open the locks, of course, which let me know of my mistake. My red Highlander was the next car over but had failed to break the hold of “what used to be.”

All of us are creatures of habit. We find comfort in routine and like regularity in our schedules. Even children have a rut-like mentality that causes them to love a rut. For example, it’s taken all week for Skylar and Micah, ages 2 and 1, to adjust to their vacation home-away-from-home and to sleep past 5-something in the morning.

I’ve had trouble adjusting to Nate’s absence this week, because our Sanibel “habit” began with him in 1980 and continued many years after that. It was our routine, our tradition, the way it was meant to be. Being here without him includes a measure of emptiness and makes me wonder if we should even come back next year. Yesterday Linnea and I both got teary talking about it.

In the past year I’ve spoken with quite a few widows. No two stories are alike, but the one constant is a radical break in “the way we were.” To be married several decades is to come into a period of the relationship characterized by the word “comfortable.” The two of you have become one entity, and you both like it that way.

When death disturbs the routine, happy habits are forcefully broken. After a husband (or wife) dies, every life pattern changes, and adjustments never end. It’s like being in an airplane that’s been flying a straight course, when suddenly it begins doing loops, dives and spirals. It’s hard to get our bearings.

Death wasn’t God’s plan, and he never intended we’d have to adjust to it. Apparently he meant for Adam and Eve to continue forever in the perfection of Eden. But sinful choices deep-sixed that arrangement, bringing spiritual death immediately and physical death later on. The Eden routine surely must have been a hard habit to surrender.

After sin, the break from “the way they were” changed everything for Adam and Eve including their home, their neighborhood, their work and their walk with God. Separation. Division. Disconnection. The adjustments must have taken quite some time.

Old habits die hard. It was true back then and is true today. But Adam and Eve finally did adjust, and God stuck with them in their new life. That’s true for us today, too. As long as we live, change will yank us from our comfortable ruts and insist we adjust.

We see these disruptions as painful endings, but God views them as fresh beginnings. And he will help us.

“The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things.” (John 14:26)

Traveling Alone

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Taking a road trip shakes up our routines, and every once in a while that’s good. I think part of the reason I’m happy staying home is that efficient packing demands organizational abilities I don’t have. This skill-set is one of many I miss in not having Nate as my traveling partner, but traveling alone is my new normal.

Years ago, I had all I could do to pack for the kids and myself, and Nate usually lightened my load by packing his own bag, a job he did in five minutes. He was a champion at remembering to take everything he needed, including work assignments, legal documents and phone numbers. I never heard him say, “Oh-oh. I forgot something.” I said it so many times he got used to saying, “We’ll just have to buy another one when we get there.”

Something else I loved about Nate as my travel partner was his willingness to chat. No subject was off limits, and as the miles accumulated, we solved problems and made plans. He was also good at map-reading, but if we did get lost, he wasn’t above stopping to ask for driving directions. (No GPS’s back then.)

Another perk of traveling with Nate was his willingness to do all the driving. I could enjoy the beauty of farms and small towns, always fascinating. Being in the passenger seat also let me catch up on reading, knitting, note-writing or putting photos into albums. It amounted to a chunk of sit-down time that was hard to come by at home.

On recent road trips including my current one, I’ve been the one behind the wheel. As an antidote to missing Nate’s companionship (and packing, conversation and driving), I’ve tried to count my trip-blessings and have discovered a few perks in having to travel alone. I can have prayer times “out loud” without interruptions or embarrassment. I can skip traditional meal stops and be munching every hour. I can listen to music, sermons or silence, my choice. I can stop only when I need a break rather than any more or any less.

And although Nate isn’t seated next to me, my buddy Jack rides in the back seat, a warm body to talk to now and then. I’ve also had a strong sense of God’s travel partnership, taking him at his word when he says “I’m never going to leave you.” Though invisible, he’s always on hand, surrounding me with reassurance and providing the confidence to keep moving forward.

Of course I wish Nate was with me, too, but that option isn’t available. So the best choice is to receive what I’ve been given and not ask for more: a week with family members in Florida, a loyal canine friend who’s tagging along, the Lord’s faithful companionship and… a unique chance to race against the numbers on a GPS.

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” (Jeremiah 17:7)

 

Don’t lose heart.

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Last week I received a note in the mail with handwriting I hadn’t seen for quite a while but recognized immediately. It was the strong script of Pastor George Sweeting, the man who married Nate and I in 1969. He was the head pastor at Moody Church then, and we were delighted he was available to perform our ceremony.

As we met with him privately in the days before the wedding, Pastor Sweeting told us he felt invested in the couples he married and offered to be available to us indefinitely through the years of our marriage, should we need him in any way. Although he eventually left the church to become the president of Moody Bible Institute, he kept in touch with us and occasionally reminded us of his offer.

About a month ago, 41 years after he married us, I bumped into Pastor Sweeting and his wife Hilda at a funeral, and we exchanged hugs and had a quick conversation. His letter followed that meeting and means a great deal to me.

This is a man who has spent a lifetime teaching and preaching the truth of Jesus Christ with indomitable optimism and joy. His letter was filled with encouragement not to “lose heart” in my walk through widowhood, and he cited four Scriptures urging me not to get discouraged or give up, two of them from Nate’s favorite biblical chapter, Hebrews 12. When we grow weary and don’t feel like fighting our battles anymore, whether they’re struggles with sorrow or loneliness or the difficult tasks of the day, the Bible tells us to examine the life of Jesus “so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Jesus didn’t have an easy life in any category, yet according to Scripture he never lost heart, gave up or walked off the job. He remained focused on his mission, difficult as it was, all the way to the excruciating end. God offers to equip us to do the same.

Where Nate lives today, not one soul is discouraged, because the temptation to lose heart has no place in heaven. Rather his life is overflowing with  joy beyond words as he lives with Christ among a crowd of other contented believers. Although Nate sometimes lost heart in his earthly life, all of that is but a dim, powerless memory for him now, if even that. And the same happy destiny awaits all of us who align with Jesus.

Although Pastor Sweeting helped Nate and I “tie the knot” that death has now untied, he’s still making good on his promise to help us by encouraging me not to lose heart.

 “We know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus…  Therefore we do not lose heart…” (2 Corinthians 4:14a,16a)