Category Archives: Marriage

Out from under Regret

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Virtually every widow struggles with regret. She’s haunted by the many ways she could have been a better wife and thinks, “I should have… I wish… If only…”

When I think of my own marriage, one thing Nate modeled exceptionally well was his consistency in thanking me. There were other things in his life he struggled to be grateful for, but I wasn’t one of them. If I filled his drawer with clean underwear, he’d find me and let me know how much he appreciated it. If I brought his dry cleaning home, he’d thank me for taking such good care of him. And though I made simple dinners, he never ate one of them without voicing gratitude.

Some wives might have found this over-the-top, but it always felt good to me. My regret is not having done the same for him. I should have daily thanked him for battling it out at work. I could have mentioned his kindness each time he filled my car with gas or willingly picked up our children at odd hours.

Interestingly, I often had thankful thoughts toward Nate but over and over failed to transform those into audible words. In each case, then, the only one benefitting was me.

All of us can recall situations in which we liked what people did, what they said, or what they looked like, but didn’t deliver the compliment or word of appreciation. We thought it, but didn’t speak it out.

The biblical book of James says our tongues can be used for good or evil, to soothe or irritate. There’s a No Man’s Land in the middle, though, that he doesn’t mention, words in our heads that have the power to bless others but never make it to our tongues.

But we’re not left without instruction on this. God sees our wordless thoughts and says, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:10)

He’s saying, “I’m looking for those affirmative thoughts you have toward others and will bless you if you voice them. When you speak goodness over someone else, I classify that as a deed worthy of reward. If you hold it in, you not only haven’t blessed others, you’ve also forfeited a blessing for yourself.”

Since I’ve repeatedly fallen short on this, my response to God’s statement is to admit failure and ask for help. Hopefully he’ll pluck thankful words from my brain and set them on my tongue, moving in with his supernatural controls. Because he is able when I am not, I know it can be done.

And while I’m trying to remember to say good things to others, I can practice by verbalizing words of praise to God.

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.” (James 3:7,8)

SWAK

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Kisses are important to a marriage. The expression “sealed with a kiss” (SWAK) probably came from the tradition of a bride and groom sharing a kiss in front of witnesses at the conclusion of their wedding ceremony.

Some couples, exercising the ultimate in self-control, wait to kiss each other for the very first time after they’re officially declared husband and wife. I can’t even imagine the emotions running through both of them when they seal the deal with such potency, but surely it makes for a great start to a marriage.

Because kisses require face-to-face contact or at least head-to-head with cheek kisses, it’s difficult to kiss someone if anything negative hangs between you. That’s probably why Scripture encourages husbands and wives not to end the day, every day, without first clearing the air between them.

If couples follow this one rule, no grudge can last longer than a few hours, no argument grow out of proportion before being settled. And getting into the habit of sharing a goodnight kiss is an excellent step toward keeping short accounts with each other.

Ephesians 4:26 tells us not to end the day while we’re angry, especially with each other. When resentments fester, they make it difficult to rest well anyway. Kisses often melt away frosty feelings and make restoration more probable. But even more importantly, the next verse tells what will happen if we hold onto disagreements at bedtime: “Anger gives a foothold to the devil.” No sensible husband or wife would willingly pull Satan into their marriage that way.

Kisses can do all kinds of things for a relationship. Romans 16:16 tells us to greet each other with holy kisses, which elevates kissing to a spiritual level. Maybe each time we plant a sincerely loving kiss on someone, it’s a tiny act of holiness, a mini-deed with significance to God. I know it’s especially so between husbands and wives. Marriage is important to the Lord, as is loving behavior, and holiness is something he wants us all to strive for. Apparently kisses can improve all three.

When we widows said goodbye to our husbands, lots of kisses went away with them. But for those still fortunate enough to be married, may each day be SWAK!

“Rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.”  (2 Corinthians 13:11-12)

Irrational Wounding

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Back in high school, when I briefly took organ lessons (Mom hoped I would play hymns), one of my practice pieces (definitely not a hymn) went like this:

You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn’t hurt at all.      You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall.         You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can’t recall.

It certainly touted an attitude far from biblical hymnody. Hurting someone’s feelings, crushing a sweetheart, speaking thoughtless words all classify as cruel and unloving. But the last line of the song made it even worse:

If I broke your heart last night, it’s because I love you most of all.

Nonsense.

This sounds a lot like a cad twisting the truth to make his beloved forgive him. He says he loves her more than anyone else because of what he did or said that wounded her.

I don’t know why this song popped into my head today, but when I gave it a little thought, the chickens came home to roost. I was reminded of many-a-time when I expected Nate to understand why I had to serve others rather than him. For example, I’d make his favorite meal, then take it down the block for the family that had just moved in without saving any for him. Or he’d invite me out to dinner but I’d say, “I’m on a diet. Let’s go to a movie instead.” These things and many others made me as caddish as the guy in the song.

When we’re dealing with those outside our family circle, we control ourselves well. We don’t speak harshly, raise our voices, or lose our patience. Rarely do we say no. But those in our inner circle? We often take their love for granted and assume it’ll always be there, regardless of what we do. The truth is, those family members who are treated poorly by the ones they love don’t always stick around. When love isn’t reciprocated, it sometimes dies.

God loves differently than we do, carefully considering our needs. Jesus was the ultimate example for us when he put our needs ahead of his own. He took the torture and death we were slated to receive and did it eagerly… lovingly. Instead of “hurting the ones he loved” as the song says, he allowed himself to be hurt. He volunteered to be the “sweetest rose,” willingly crushed so we wouldn’t have to be.

There is no possible way we could ever pay him back for what he did, but one thing we can do is mimic his love by loving our family members sacrificially rather than hurting the ones we’re supposed to love “most of all.”

“He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)