Category Archives: Marriage

Need-Meeting

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No matter how many babies we added to our family, Nate’s daily office routine didn’t vary much. He left the house at 6:00 AM and walked back in at 7:00 pm, a long day (for both of us). But he was faithful never to be late coming home, almost to the minute.

My daily routine, on the other hand, was anything but consistent. One evening when I was especially frazzled, I asked Nate if he’d be willing to give me a gift. He answered carefully: “What might that be?”

“For you to stay home 30 minutes longer every morning so I can take a walk.”

I desperately needed alone-time to think, pray and gather courage for each day. The kids began waking around 6:00, so someone needed to be there.

Nate answered quickly. “OK, but I absolutely have to leave by 6:30 to get to my desk when I should.” His commute was a drive to the Metra station in the next suburb, a park-and-walk, a 45 minute train ride, then a 1½ mile walk to the other side of the Loop.

The next morning and every day after that for several years, I walked out the door at 5:45 AM and back in at 6:30. The few times I was late in returning, I’d pass Nate on the road. (He didn’t dare give me a schedule-inch, knowing I’d take a mile.)

Some days I hoofed it and covered a great distance. Others were more of a meander. If it was raining, I wore a hood and took my chances with the lightning. A foot of snow didn’t keep me home and neither did 22 degrees below zero. That 45 minutes meant everything.

Nate never reneged on his word and never complained about my rearranging his life. This impressed me, since I knew he didn’t understand the depth of my need. He did understand the walk was important to me, and because of that, it became important to him, and he sacrificed to make it happen.

Nate did a good job satisfying my need, but the #1 Need-Meeter is God. He watches us carefully, monitoring what’s important and what’s not. Then he sets to meeting what he considers to be a need.

The system doesn’t work, however, unless we agree to his definition and his way to handle it. We don’t always need to get into that college, get that specific job or marry that certain person. We don’t always need healing or even continued life on this earth. What we do need is unshakeable confidence that God’s assessment of what we need is flawless.

As our 7 children grew and the “baby” went to school, my need for the pre-dawn alone-time evaporated. Nate didn’t say, “Finally I can leave when I want!” He just said, “OK.” His definition of that gift would have been “30 minutes daily.” My definition was, “a sacrificial love willing to meet my need.”

In doing that, he’d imitated our loving, need-meeting God.

“Let your compassion [Lord], quickly meet our needs, for we are on the brink of despair.” (Psalm 79:8)

A Perfect Match

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I love the beach 365 days a year but especially on a day like today: 75 degrees, a light breeze, whitecaps and blasting sunshine.

While working from an old but comfy beach chair, God brought a distant memory to mind. Mom and I were walking together on the same stretch of sand, looking up at the dunes topped with greenery. It was a day like today except that it was 1955. The sky was then (just like today) a perfect example of “sky-blue.”

Without realizing it, Mom and I were thinking the same thing. “People say blue and green don’t go together,” she said. “But look what happens when God does it.”

If I’d known how to properly use the word “Amen” as a 10 year old, I would have. As it was, Mom planted one of those valuable line-on-line nuggets of wisdom in my young heart, and God’s Spirit caused it to take root. In the years since then, those roots have nourished an important idea:

God can do what people can’t.

It’s easy to apply that logic when mother and child are enjoying the scenery, but does it pertain to the monster-size crises of adulthood?

 

Examples abound:

  • An addict surrenders to a “higher power” and learns his name is Jesus, committing to sobriety and spreading that good news.
  • An abandoned child comes to Christ and grows up to lead a ministry dedicated to rescuing children from abuse.
  • An imprisoned criminal becomes a Christian, and hatred morphs into love.

These are real-life examples of people I know. In each case God combined two “colors” that wouldn’t rationally “go together,” and the results were spectacular:

  • Addiction/sobriety
  • Abandonment/rescue
  • Criminal behavior/loving actions.

So, what about the challenge of widowhood? The trouble-list is long: loneliness, fear, separation, sadness, and unwelcome change. What unlikely “color combinations” might God make available?

As we look at our list, we already know:

  • Loneliness/companionship
  • Fear/safety
  • Separation/togetherness
  • Sadness/joy
  • Change/assistance

The trick is to open ourselves to these out-of-the-ordinary combos, to actively look for them. Before our husbands died, loneliness wasn’t a problem; we had their companionship. If we were afraid, they protected us. We were together, and it was joyful. But now our men are gone and can no longer be these things for us.

And so we look to God. And what we see is his gentle, steady bringing of the things we miss. He provides the positive counter-balance to every negative, meets our needs and brings a “green” to enhance every “blue”.

The alternative is to refuse his help, which leaves us stuck in the misery of loneliness, fear, separation and sadness. That would be like Mom and me walking home from the beach with our eyes on the asphalt.

“My God shall supply all your need…” (Philippians 4:19)

Tantalizing Fantasizing

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Every widow friend of mine has wished her husband could come back, if only for a few minutes. We’ve all fantasized about how we would greet them, what we’d say, how we’d show love. Such a scenario is as captivating as a first date, and although we all know it can’t be, thinking about it is delicious.

This morning I was pondering the biblical Lazarus, a friend Jesus often stayed with between destinations. He enjoyed time with this pal and his two sisters, probably relaxing around a lamp-lit wooden table, telling of his travels. These four singles were close in heart and surely had fun together, too. Scripture twice says Jesus loved them.

When Lazarus got sick, the grieving sisters did what came naturally: they got word to Jesus. But Lazarus died before he could get there.

When Jesus finally came, Mary, Martha and a crowd of mourners had been grieving for four days. No doubt the sisters were thinking, “Oh, how we want our brother back, even for just a few minutes. He left so quickly we couldn’t even get Jesus here in time. If only we could talk with him again, hold onto him, somehow prevent his death.”

When Jesus arrived, Martha raced out to meet him with the same wish my widow friends and I have. “Jesus, you can do whatever you want! You could bring him back!” Although I haven’t met Martha, I know what she was thinking: “If you bring him back, you can heal him, and then he won’t have to die!”

But Jesus responded conservatively, reminding Martha that Lazarus would rise eventually. That wasn’t good enough for her, though. I picture her tugging on his arm, bouncing up and down saying, “Yes, yes, I know, but you know what I mean!”

Jesus calmly asked if she truly believed he was the way to heaven, and she says, “Yes, of course! I believe you! But…”

Racing back to the house, she grabs Mary and excitedly says, “Jesus is here! Hurry up!”  And it’s Mary’s turn to rush out. While weeping, she voices the same longing as Martha but in a different way. “You could have prevented this! And you should have!”

Amazingly, Jesus gave the sisters what they wanted: their brother back.

What was life like for these siblings after that? Martha and Mary probably didn’t take their eyes off Lazarus, couldn’t stop asking questions. Most likely they touched him, took his hand, hugged him, told him they loved him, until he had to say, “Ok, girls. Enough already!”

I’ll bet they loved their brother with a nearly perfect love after having lost him, then gotten him back. How blessed they were with that rare opportunity to love flawlessly the second time around. And that’s what my widow friends and I long for, too, though we know it won’t happen for us.

But if wives could just get that second-chance love figured out the first time around, marriages could be radical examples of what God originally had in mind for husbands and wives.

Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” (John 11:43)