Category Archives: Marriage

Making the Most of It

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I think often about my marriage to Nate. Being distanced from it for nearly ten months now, my thoughts have become somewhat objective. When we’re still in a marriage, the analysis gets blurred by the importance of our own perspective. Now that it’s over for me, of course I have regrets. I’ve had to talk myself out of a host of would-of, could-of and should-of’s, which are part of the tyranny of hindsight.

Because my mate was taken earlier than expected, I’m nervous I didn’t appreciate Nate in full measure. So what can be done about it? For me, nothing. My opportunities to be a good wife to Nate have ended. For those who are still married, however, there is time.

Quite a few blog readers have commented that some of the posts have made them rush to hug their husbands or compliment them. This is thrilling to me! These folks won’t suffer regret. I believe God will honor their efforts with exponentially positive results, and they’ll never be sorry they made the effort.

Other readers have asked, “In your life without Nate, what have you learned so far?” The big answer is that God’s promise in Isaiah 54:5 is an anchor that holds. He’s told me he’ll be my husband and has followed through perfectly.

Secondly, I’ve learned a great deal about marriage since having had mine removed. Every husband and wife would do well to think about what life would be like if their spouse disappeared. It might make for interesting restaurant conversation. How would life change? If there were no more opportunities to say anything or do anything for their partner, how would each feel about what’s been said and done so far?

All of us are good at taking people for granted. We say, “Putting him on a pedestal isn’t necessary. He’s not worthy of that.”  Instead, we wives are persistent about trying to modify our men. “Yes, they’re good guys, but they can always use a few more suggestions.” Sadly, that comes across as criticism, and none of us like that, especially at home.

A husband and wife ought to be each other’s #1 fan, surrendering nit-picking in favor of cheerleading. I didn’t always get this right, so I’m lumping myself in with everyone else. The only difference is that I can’t improve, while others still can.

Every marriage has restless periods when one or the other wishes they were single. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to “stay” in that place, wandering around in past memories of singlehood or wishing for future independence. While “living” in either place, we are setting aside the marriage at hand.

My Widow Warrior pals and I would give anything to have another crack at being good wives to the men we loved who are now gone. And because of that, I’ve taken a chance in this blog, hoping to challenge those of you who are still married to make the most of it. You are blessed!

“Wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.” (1 Timothy 3:11)

Learning the Lingo

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Before I became a widow, I heard from many friends about the nightmare of paperwork that follows a spouse’s death. Some wives have been privy to this part of the marriage all along, naturally skilled to understand it. Most, however, are like me with talents in other areas. “He always took care of that department,” they say. Sadly, that translates to hours and hours of climbing a steep learning curve once their men are gone. And that’s me.

Today I told Louisa, “I have four mountains to climb,” meaning four online, data-related jobs to accomplish in partnership with the World Wide Web. The thought paralyzes me. I’ve figured out how to post blogs, but beyond that I’m in a foreign land without an interpreter.

Back when computers were new, when Nate and I were both green at emailing, we’d practice on each other. He’d send me quick one-line messages from the office, bringing me up to date on who he’d seen or what he’d learned that I might have found interesting. I’d do the same from home.

If he got an email from one of our kids, he’d forward it to me and preface it with a line or two: “From San Diego at noon. Lars is a good boy.” The email might have been a simple thank you from an adult child to a dad. Used like this, computers became our friends.

Since Nate died, however, my computer and I have entered a love-hate relationship. I love keeping up with our former world in the Chicago area, setting up visiting dates, reading blog comments and receiving prayer requests and answers. But oh the effort to get along with institutions: insurance companies, medical offices, government agencies, universities.

Although 800-numbers are tricky to find on web pages these days, when I finally do reach a human, the song and dance is always the same: “It’s easy! Just right-click on this, left-click on that, hover-over-this-other and voila! Done!”

Maybe for you.

My computer refuses to speak my click-language.

So much of success is in learning the right lingo. That’s true in my relationship with computers and also with God. When I talk to him, am I speaking his language? If I say, I don’t need you; you’re old-fashioned; you might be wrong; I control my own destiny, nothing good will come from those words. It’s like right-clicking when it should be left.

The key to being heard by the Almighty is to use the correct language. I’m sorry; please forgive me; I love you; come into my life; I want to obey you. When we click on the right web page instructions, good things happen. When we approach the Lord in the right way, the heavens will open.

I’m still learning God’s lingo, and he remains willing to teach me. I hope with practice, I’ll improve at communicating with him. I do know I’ll never give up trying.

Something else I won’t give up on is trying to learn the language of computers. Maybe I can find a Geek Squad willing to rent my empty bedroom.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14)

The Marrying Kind, Part V

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A year ago at this time, Nate and I knew nothing of the terminal cancer diagnosis that was about to crash into our lives. But he was experiencing serious back pain and was looking forward to “going under the knife” for a chance at reducing his agony.

Spring was difficult as he continued to work a full schedule, commuting to Chicago’s Loop daily from the suburbs. But when he arrived home at 7:00 pm, he was exhausted. The stresses of lawyering didn’t compare to the strain of fighting constant pain.

Nate became especially low during the weeks when I was packing up the house to move. I’d spend the short evening with him and then, after he was asleep, would head back to the basement crawl space.

As I dug into boxes of memorabilia, I came across reminders of past friendships and events. It occurred to me Nate might enjoy looking at some of the items if he couldn’t sleep during the night. Good memories might be a happy distraction from the pain that continually tormented him.

He always sat on one end of a short couch where the lamp shone well on his reading material and the table was just right to hold his coffee, Post-its, pen and phone. I decided to try my idea and put a letter from an old law school friend on the table. I knew he’d see it before the night had ended.

In the morning, the letter from his pal was lying on the kitchen counter with a Post-it note attached and a “remember when” statement. My plan had worked. For at least a few minutes during his painful night, he’d been lifted to a different time and place.

As I continued working in the basement, I’d set things aside to use in the middle-of-the-night “mail drop.” And every morning the item was in the kitchen with a note attached. Eventually he told me he looked forward to seeing what was on the table, thanking me for this nightly walk down Memory Lane.

And then I found the letter he’d written to my parents shortly after we were engaged. (The Marrying Kind, Part III) I set it on his table, and in the morning his attached Post-it had two lines of poetry on it:

“When all the world and love was young —

Come live with me and be my love.”

After 40 years of marriage, Nate had again declared his love for me. One of the lines in his letter had said: “Love for Margaret is a spiritual gift with which the Lord has blessed me.”

When I first read that, it sounded grandiose and exaggerated. But in thinking about love being the creation of God, Nate’s declaration was on target. Scripture says God himself is love and that true love always initiates with him.

I do know one thing beyond all doubt. Nate loved me unconditionally. His Post-it note, attached to the letter he wrote 40 years earlier, bookended a lifetime of love toward me that had not waned through all those years. Because I was not always loveable, and because Nate loved me anyway, there is no other explanation except to say, as he did, that love is a gift from God.

And I’m thankful Nate unwrapped it and shared it with me.

“Let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God.” (1 John 4:7a)