Category Archives: Marriage

The Blessing of Children

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???????????????????????????????When God blesses two parents with 7 children as he did Mary and Bervin, he also ensures all kinds of ripple-effect mini-blessings along with them. Not only will the mom and dad have babies and preschoolers charming them for many years, but the school years offer their own decades of joy. Which is not to say there aren’t a few bumps along the way.

Mary and I have often talked about the difficulty we both had trying to spread our love and attention over each of our seven while we were raising them. But the up-side was their steady attentions to each other, not to mention the multiplied dividends so many children would end up returning to their parents, once they became adults.

During these especially difficult days of Mary’s cancer and its treatment, she and Bervin are experiencing that special loving attention from their grown kids. And it’s God who gets the credit for setting it all up this way.

Children come into a family “insisting” mommy and daddy serve them non-stop. None of us become parents because we want pay-back, but when it eventually happens (usually taking us by surprise), it’s pure delight. By the time children have grown into adults, we’ve gained meaningful friendships that nourish us every bit as much as we’ve nourished them.

And then there are those God-given gifts we receive through our adult children that are above-and-beyond, gifts like children-in-law, and grandchildren.

Jo and familyAnd so smack dab in the middle of Mary’s cancer and chemo, the Lord has gifted these two parents with a couple of these mega-gifts:

Their 30-something daughter, Johanna, and her family of five have just announced that a new baby will join them in October, putting Mary and Bervin into double-digit grandparenting!

Engaged

 

 

 

And if that wasn’t thrill enough, 20-something daughter Stina called a week ago with the exciting news she and boyfriend Evan had just gotten engaged! Mary and Bervin will gain a 5th in-law child, a young man they’ve already come to love.

And so the weeks continue on, a mix of positives and negatives for this family (as it is for most families). The important thing is for all of us to recognize God’s presence in both the good stuff and the bad, thanking him for all of it. His purpose is to teach us through  circumstances, and he’s hoping we’ll receive them with open minds and open arms.

And isn’t it interesting to note how often he includes our children as part of his lesson plans?

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

Mary’s Prayer Requests and Praises

  1. Praise that she could go back to attending her Bible study today
  2. Pray for the courage to face chemo well
  3. Continue to pray for wisdom in choosing which hospital for chemo

A Love That’s True

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No marriage is without its stress points. Whether it’s something internal between husband and wife or something external that life throws at both of them, hard times can either make or break a relationship.

Broken HeartStatistics show, for example, that having a bankruptcy can cause a couple to split up. The birth of a special needs child can do it, too, or in-law problems, a critical spouse, or chronic health issues. And when life-and-death cancer hits, anything can happen.

A couple could blame each other for the dilemma they’re in. They might argue about it and berate each other, harming their relationship. But they could also weather the storm together, clinging to one another tighter than ever.

Mary and Bervin are currently traveling through one of those life-and-death crises, each of them exposed to a mountain of stress and sadness. Cancer has a way of doing that to people. But everything I’ve observed between the two of them points to increasing togetherness rather than a cracking of their marriage bond.

The day of Mary’s surgery (Monday), as four of us said goodbye, she went around the circle giving each of us a strong hug. Coming to Bervin, she passed him by. “I’m saving the best for last,” she said, looking at him. Then after hugging the rest of us, she went back to him and held on tight.

What part does God play in the traumas that come to all married couples? For one thing, he doesn’t waste even one of these experiences. Rough patches in marriage are particularly useful from his point of view, since they tend to polish off our rough edges and make couples look to him for help. At least that’s his hope.

Heading to surgeryGod’s intention is that when trouble comes, wives and husbands will race to put supportive arms around each other, satisfying the other one’s need without concern for their own. By doing so they demonstrate humility, servanthood, and true love, which pleases both their partner and the God who bonded them in marriage. It also primes the pump for a next time, when the one who’s been given the most, eagerly becomes the giver.

Traditional (old-fashioned) wedding vows include this concluding statement: “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Mark 10:9) In other words, nothing of human origin should be allowed to pull them apart. When circumstances threaten to do that, even if it’s a disease, God hopes husband and wife will cling instead of crumble, coming out the other side stronger than ever.

That’s exactly what’s happening with Mary and Bervin. Mary’s life will never be the same now that cancer has come, and their marriage won’t be the same either. But that’s ok, because it’s going to be better than ever.

“Love… endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Mary’s prayer requests:

  1. For a peaceful night after a day of difficulty
  2. For pain meds to work without causing nausea
  3. For thorough healing of Mary’s insides
  4. For stamina to meet physical demands

Part One & Part Two

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At workLast night I received Part One of a two part gift: a dream about Nate. In the dream he was wearing a white shirt and tie, and was working on legal papers. I found it interesting that he was wearing one of those half-sleeves men used to wear in print shops (wrist to elbow) to spare their dress-shirts from ink. In the dream Nate was using a leaky fountain pen, so I was pleased he’d covered his sleeve.

Strangely, the two of us weren’t indoors but were sitting on chairs outside, perched on the sidewalk along the main street in our little town. I was enjoying the sunshine while he worked.

“It’s almost time,” I said. “Will we be leaving soon?”

“Yes,” he said, “but not till I get this work done.”

And that was it, a mini-conversation and a quick glimpse of my husband’s face. But I loved it.

Old fashioned mailPart Two of my gift came today from the back of a drawer. It was an envelope with Nate’s writing on it. His script was horrendous, and I frequently complained about its illegibility, but this card was printed. I interpreted his doing that as a desire to make it legible for me. I probably didn’t appreciate it at the time, but today I did.

The note was written on a retreat weekend by himself at our summer cottage in Michigan (now my permanent home) in 2006. Since he’d been under incredible work stress then, I’d encouraged him to take some time away, and it didn’t take much persuasion.

Nate's cardOver that weekend, he bought and mailed a card to me: “To my one and only…” it said. He knew I wouldn’t receive it until two days after he’d arrived home, but he wanted to put his thoughts down while they were fresh, and he sent it regular mail. Inside it said:

 

LegibleMeg, thanks for the idyll in Shorewood, extremely generous (as always) to me. Great as it is, “it ain’t the same without you.” Dinners alone are empty.

Time on lesson #8 [a Bible study we were doing together] – work notes and investing are beneficial – Psalm 75:6-7 really hits me – “Only from God” – not degrees, work, shrewdness – lessons learned and to be learned.     Love, Nate

(Note the asterisk after the paws, referring to a note at the bottom: * Not only paws but millions of doggy kisses!  — private joke)

The longer Nate is gone (4 years now) the more precious my dreams of him and these “finds” become. I see them as God’s custom-designed gifts of tender care, and he does this kind of thing for all his children. Although he doesn’t send dreams or letters every time I miss Nate or every time someone is sad, when he gauges the time is right, he sends something special.

And today I’m smiling over his two-part gift.

“If you then…. quite naturally give good things to your children, how much more likely is it that your Heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask him?” (Matthew 7:11)