Category Archives: Parenting

Almost the Duggars

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The DuggarsLast week while driving from Michigan to Chicago I listened to a fascinating radio interview of Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, the Christian family with 19 children and TV fame. Our family had its own Duggar-esque experience in 1989 when my sister’s family moved in with ours for a while.

Sorting socksMary and Bervin’s family was adding a second story to their ranch home, and without water, heat or benefit of a roof, they needed a place to stay. We begged them to bunk with us, knowing how much fun it would be, and they agreed, but with one stipulation: that they buy all the food for the duration. Of course Nate and Bervin wrangled over this, but I saw it as God’s lavish blessing. Our family was at its low point financially with Nate’s business collapsing that very year.

A watermelon...I’ll never forget the night Bervin walked in our front door after work carrying a fresh watermelon. Nate and I hadn’t splurged on fresh fruit for many months, and the sight of that big watermelon refreshed my soul. With 18 around the dinner table that night (my folks included), that melon came and went pretty quickly, but it tasted sweeter than any I’ve had since.

Chicken poxDuring the weeks we were together, the chicken pox hit, as well as the school science fair, but we also celebrated several birthdays, a couple of graduations and a few blue ribbons for those science projects. There were no squabbles, despite having to sleep on the floor, cram into vehicles and wait for meals. It was a happy time for all 16 of us, and when my sister’s house was ready for them to move back, we mourned the separation.

Not everyone likes to “live large.” Having to wait for the shower or being without private space can be frustrating. But God is deliberate in putting families together. He matches up husbands and wives and calls some to be single. He sends biological babies or not, sometimes choosing to bring children from the other side of the globe to complete a family.  He asks some couples to be childless in order to parent the children of others. His creativity in grouping us knows no limits.

Off to schoolWe can arrange or rearrange things to suit ourselves, but stepping away from God’s lead is risky. His best may seem endlessly “just around the bend,” but we can trust that whatever he’s preparing will be worth our wait. Putting people into families was his idea first, and he knows how to satisfy our needs to love and be loved.

Though I’m single now, I’m not lonely, because God has called me into it. Remembering our Duggar-esque weeks as a mega-family, though, makes me grin… and want to take a nap.

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families. Rejoice in his presence!” (Psalm 68:5-6,4b)

Our Rescuer

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Nate’s family came from western Illinois, mine from the Chicago area. Once we had children, we made good use of route 80, our link between four loving grandparents.

I remember one summer when Nate and I took our then-five children to visit Grandma and Grandpa Nyman, 210 miles from home. We were able to stay an extra night when Nate decided he could take a train directly to Chicago’s Loop early Monday morning. The five kids and I would follow on Monday afternoon in the family car, a robust Jeep Cherokee.

Blue-CherokeeAfter waving goodbye, we started down route 80, the car windows open and the music playing loudly on the cassette player. Our children, ages 12, 10, 8, 4 and 2, were all enjoying the trip when we pulled off for gas and a bathroom break. But as the Jeep slowed, we heard a raucous banging coming from under the hood.

I pulled into a little country station in Rock Falls and left the motor running, hoping a mechanic would listen to the racket and tell me how to stop it. His news wasn’t good. “Lady,” he said, “when you turn that engine off, it’ll never start again.”

I thought he was joking, but apparently the car had run out of oil. Parts had broken off inside the engine and were crashing against each other. I considered filling the gas tank without turning the car off and resuming our trip. After all, it was still running.

While the kids raced around the gas station and the car continued to pound, I called Nate at his Chicago office. He squelched my idea to keep going and said, “Park the car wherever the gas station guy tells you, and then turn it off. I’ll come and pick you up.”

Rock Falls.He said that without hesitation, as if Rock Falls wasn’t over 100 miles from his office. Coming to “pick us up” was going to ruin his business day and put him behind the wheel for four hours.

But this is what love does. It rescues.

I like to think of Jesus in that light. He loved us so thoroughly, he made the ultimate sacrifice to rescue us, laying down his life. He could have said, “Human beings are a big disappointment and aren’t worth saving.” But his actions said the opposite.

On that summer day in Rock Falls, I’ll never forget the rush of joy we all felt when Nate’s black Lincoln came into view and turned into that tiny gas station. The 7 of us, along with four suitcases, squeezed into his car with a spirit of celebration and gratitude. Our rescuer had come.

An important question to ask myself is, do I have that same spirit of celebration and gratitude toward the grandest Rescuer of all time?

“Jesus gave his life for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world.” (Galatians 1:4)

“I need you!”

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Back in 1624, John Donne wrote a meditation that included the sentence, “No man is an island.” Since the beginning of time people have needed each other, beginning with Adam needing Eve. None of us gets life right by ourselves, and the presence of another brings more than just companionship. It often brings wise counsel, too. Asking for advice is a good thing, even scriptural.

Recently I’ve been reminiscing about my own mentor, Aunt Joyce, who advised and encouraged me for 39 years. I clearly remember the day it began. I’d just arrived in California as a 19-year-old for a second happy summer living with my cousins. A mob of us had finished lunch, and everyone had left the table except my aunt and me.

She said, “I know you had a great time here last summer, but you can’t be sure it’ll be the same this year. It could go either way.”

I nodded, thinking about her words long after I’d left the table, since that possibility hadn’t occurred to me. Her counsel had been practical and sensible, and in giving it, she’d put a welcome mat between us, inviting me to come to her any time. And for nearly 4 decades, I took full advantage.

Aunt Joyce, baby Nelson, and meAunt Joyce faithfully prayed for me and offered counsel until she died in 2005, at the age of 92. Most of her guidance came in handwritten letters which I saved, making her wisdom available to me any time. The miles between us never hampered our relationship because the bond we had was a sturdy bridge. Before Aunt Joyce died, she had begun mentoring our daughter Linnea (as well as many from other families) and was spending large chunks of time praying for her and the rest of us.

The beauty of mentoring is its non-threatening, non-pressured atmosphere. Aunt Joyce wasn’t my mother, a police woman, a professor, or a preacher. With all restrictions lifted, she could just be herself, and I could be myself, sharing back and forth without judgment.

We see biblical mentoring throughout Scripture: Joshua mentored by Moses, Mary by Elizabeth, Barnabas by Paul and of course the twelve disciples by Jesus. And just like I still have Aunt Joyce’s letters, each of us is privy to biblical writings containing all manner of wise counsel.

IMG_2755When I lost my earthly mentor, she left a void no other woman could fill, so I asked the Lord if he would be to me what Aunt Joyce had been. Although he often uses a variety of people to bring me through, he’s also just fine with doing it by himself.

“For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.” (Psalm 48:14)