Cancer and Other Hard Things

Tonight I got to do something I’ve been eagerly looking forward to for quite a while: collect daughter Linnea and 3 month old Isaac at Midway Airport. Traveling with a young baby can be problematic, but for Linnea it was like a vacation. That’s because she left the other 3 (ages 5, 4, and 2) home with daddy.

Linnea and Isaac.We have these two only for a weekend, but extended family will get to meet Isaac, and I’m thrilled for this unique time with “just them.”

Tonight’s blog is one Linnea wrote for her web site (Only One Thing) on March 4, after learning of her Aunt Mary’s cancer. Because Isaac was born with an unusual little hand, she blends the disappointment of both events in what she writes, below:

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Two weeks ago my family got some bad news. Some very bad news.

I was getting ready to take Isaac for a walk when I noticed a message from my mom on my phone. My heart sank. My mom is not a phone person and she never calls me unless something really major has happened. I strapped Isaac into his baby carrier, stepped out the front door, and nervously called her back.

“It’s Mary,” my mom said, explaining that my aunt had gone to the ER when her fever spiked, which led to extensive testing. “They say she has—” My mom choked on her words and I could tell she was crying, “—pancreatic cancer.”

I burst into tears. “No!” I said. “Not pancreatic cancer. Anything but that… That can’t be right! How can that possibly be?”

See, my family knows all about pancreatic cancer. It took my dad’s life just 42 days after his diagnosis.

Naturally, we initially reacted to Mary’s diagnosis with total panic. All except for Mary, that is. At the end of that long, dreadful day at the hospital she sent my mom a text: “God is good,” it read.

Sisters with grandsWhenever I remember the last six weeks of my dad’s life, Mary always comes to mind. When my mom refused to leave my dad’s hospital bed, Mary was there at her side. When my mom “slept” night after night in a chair, Mary did too, spending those long hours on a hard stool in the corner. But when I said she must be exhausted, she chirped back, “No, I feel fine!”

Later I asked my mom if Mary was always this way—always cheerful, always sure of God’s goodness, never complaining. “No,” my mom said. “She’s grown into it over time” (Best answer ever.)

No one is perfect, including Mary. I’m sure she has her off days and her own private struggles. She wouldn’t be human if she weren’t anxious about the cancer in her body and what it will mean for her future and for her family. But in that crisis moment, when the doctors said “pancreatic cancer,” Mary chose to respond with a statement about God’s goodness.

Since Isaac’s birth, Adam and I have talked many times about the power of our perspective. Sometimes when I’m feeding Isaac, I look at his left hand and find myself praying over him: “Lord, let Isaac be a person who makes the best of things, who’s slow to complain, and doesn’t care all that much what people think. Let him be a happy kid, a thankful man. Give him an overcoming spirit.” I find it significant that Isaac’s name, which we chose before his birth, means laughter.

Isaac, 10 weeksBut the other night I said to Adam, “I’m praying Isaac will have qualities I’m not so sure I have myself.” Do I always make the best of things? Am I thankful for the body I’ve been given? Or do I put it down and wish it were different? How much time do I spend worrying what people think? When I go through something hard, am I watching to see the good God is going to bring out of it? Or am I mostly worrying?

Right after Isaac’s birth I wanted to know Mary’s thoughts about his different hand. She said it will be an important part of Isaac’s story and that God will use it for His glory. She reacted to her own cancer diagnosis the same way—without a trace of self-pity.

Mary has been through a lot of tests recently, and so far, her version of pancreatic cancer seems very different from my dad’s (thank you Lord!). We’ve all stepped back a bit from our initial panic and we are filled with hope that she will live a long time.

This postpartum stretch has been hard for me. There are days when I’m naturally filled with joy and gratitude. But there are other days too. Days when I feel like I’m fighting a battle against a dark sadness that sits at my feet and wants me to sink down into it. For some reason, it tempts me. But then I think of Mary and the kind of wife and mother she is. I think about the way she’s determined to believe God and make the best of things even in the worst circumstances. And I get up, wipe another messy face, change another diaper. I put on some music, bake cookies with the kids, and pray I’m following in Mary’s footsteps.

“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything.” (Philippians 4:5-6)

Mary’s Prayer Requests and Praises

  1. For the decision about which hospital to use for chemo (So far, each hospital has agreed about treatment.)
  2. For safe travel tomorrow as Luke and family drive to Chicago
  3. Praise for visits and prayer time with old friends

The Blessing of Children

???????????????????????????????When God blesses two parents with 7 children as he did Mary and Bervin, he also ensures all kinds of ripple-effect mini-blessings along with them. Not only will the mom and dad have babies and preschoolers charming them for many years, but the school years offer their own decades of joy. Which is not to say there aren’t a few bumps along the way.

Mary and I have often talked about the difficulty we both had trying to spread our love and attention over each of our seven while we were raising them. But the up-side was their steady attentions to each other, not to mention the multiplied dividends so many children would end up returning to their parents, once they became adults.

During these especially difficult days of Mary’s cancer and its treatment, she and Bervin are experiencing that special loving attention from their grown kids. And it’s God who gets the credit for setting it all up this way.

Children come into a family “insisting” mommy and daddy serve them non-stop. None of us become parents because we want pay-back, but when it eventually happens (usually taking us by surprise), it’s pure delight. By the time children have grown into adults, we’ve gained meaningful friendships that nourish us every bit as much as we’ve nourished them.

And then there are those God-given gifts we receive through our adult children that are above-and-beyond, gifts like children-in-law, and grandchildren.

Jo and familyAnd so smack dab in the middle of Mary’s cancer and chemo, the Lord has gifted these two parents with a couple of these mega-gifts:

Their 30-something daughter, Johanna, and her family of five have just announced that a new baby will join them in October, putting Mary and Bervin into double-digit grandparenting!

Engaged

 

 

 

And if that wasn’t thrill enough, 20-something daughter Stina called a week ago with the exciting news she and boyfriend Evan had just gotten engaged! Mary and Bervin will gain a 5th in-law child, a young man they’ve already come to love.

And so the weeks continue on, a mix of positives and negatives for this family (as it is for most families). The important thing is for all of us to recognize God’s presence in both the good stuff and the bad, thanking him for all of it. His purpose is to teach us through  circumstances, and he’s hoping we’ll receive them with open minds and open arms.

And isn’t it interesting to note how often he includes our children as part of his lesson plans?

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

Mary’s Prayer Requests and Praises

  1. Praise that she could go back to attending her Bible study today
  2. Pray for the courage to face chemo well
  3. Continue to pray for wisdom in choosing which hospital for chemo

Party Time

Night skyGod gives each of his children gifts, everything from a new day to a good night’s sleep. He gives relationship gifts like love and harmony, and physical gifts like homes, food, and security. He gives the gifts of opportunity, confidence, and freedom. He gives providential meetings, coincidences, and something we call happenstance. And there are others.

He also gives spiritual gifts, at least one to each of us. When we dedicate them to his purposes, he usually gives us more.

My sister Mary has used her spiritual gifts to benefit others, and as a result she’s been given many, one of which is hospitality. For as long as I can remember she’s been the hostess-with-the-mostess, happy to welcome people in. Her hospitality also goes out, in the form of food, flowers, gifts, and hours of service to anyone in need. Whenever a list is circulated asking for sign-ups, Mary’s name is on it.

Dinner...One of her (and Bervin’s) regular in-house gigs has been to invite their own grown-and-gone children back for dinner once a week. Naturally those living at a distance can’t make it, but for all those local, the welcome mat is out. Table talk is lively, and the evening ends with group games. The single guys appreciate a well-balanced meal, and the girls profit from watching a pro at work.

Several of my Chicago-based grown children have been on that regular guest list too, and I’ve appreciated Mary’s extra motherly care of them from my post in Michigan.

Catch PhraseThe week Mary was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (mid-February), this group of 20-and-30-somethings had come over as usual, gobbling up pork roast, scalloped potatoes, asparagus, corn, tossed salad, and apple pie. Afterwards it was girls-against-the-boys playing the word game “Catch Phrase,” and Mary participated with her usual enthusiasm. That dinner, though, was her last hostessing for a while, since her focus was then pulled to hospitals, doctors, tests, and surgery.

Yesterday, thankful to be back in her own Chicago kitchen and feeling a bit better, Mary hosted a dinner for this same group of “kids”.

Dinner timeWhen I asked if she might be overdoing it she said, “It was so much fun setting the table again.” Not too many post-op patients are willing to make a meal for 10 big eaters. In God’s economy, however, when we use our gifts, we experience delight, not drudgery. Mary couldn’t wait to get at it.

photo(110)The guests ate heartily of Mary’s spaghetti casserole, but of course Mary didn’t get even one bite. Surely it’s difficult cooking for others without sampling, especially when your taste buds are calling loudly. But her body can only handle liquids by mouth and formula by feeding tube (see back pack). If all goes well, next week she might be given permission to introduce soft foods to her personal menu,

maybe even a bit of spaghetti casserole….. after it’s been enhanced by a blender.

“Be… hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.” (Titus 1:8)

Mary’s Prayer Requests

  1. Pray for weight gain (still stuck at 109)
  2. Pray for Mary to “fix her eyes on Jesus” more and more
  3. Praise for the blessing of Moody Church (and its radio broadcast this morning)
  4. Praise for a good weekend visit with Marta and her safe travel from Arkansas and back