Category Archives: Remembering

Predicting the Future

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I feel like I’m living in a crystal ball and have the ability to predict the future. That’s because I’m thinking about 5 years ago at this time and know what happened next.

On this date, October 20, Nate was two weeks from his death. We all knew the situation was severe, but none of us knew the end would come so soon.

Nate's last birthday.I’ve been reading last year’s blogs, and today we were signing Hospice papers, including the most emotional one, a living will. Our children demonstrated great strength that day when I was feeling weak, stepping forward to sign as witnesses beneath their father’s signature on the document. Could there be any more difficult task in the life of a child?

But surprisingly, in examining the negatives of those days 5 years ago, several striking positives have emerged:

1. First of all, new waves of appreciation for Nate have washed over us. Once someone is gone, all petty grievances disappear. It’s easy to focus on the good, and all of us are wholeheartedly thankful for Nate, without the slightest reservation.

2. The second positive has been fresh gratitude toward God, who repeatedly pulled us out of a sea of sadness and set our feet on solid ground. When everything else was stormy, the Lord kept us calm, and that included Nate. God showed his involvement daily and kept every scriptural promise. He didn’t stop the cancer, but he held us close throughout the ordeal, and does so still.

3. A third positive is becoming aware of the progress over these 5 years. Today we’re all veterans of grief. It was hard work, lasted a long time, and involved plenty of tears. But each of us has increased in our understanding of what it’s like to mourn someone we love. We’ve also learned that the process includes times of well-being and peace, side-by-side with sorrow.

4. Because of our experience in losing Nate, all of us can commiserate with others who’ve lost someone special, which is positive number four. We can say, “I know how you feel” to a hurting friend and mean it.

5. Five years ago, our days were packed with problems, losses, and emergencies. We had no time to process what was happening or think too deeply about it. The demands of each day called for putting one foot in front of the other and getting through “just barely.” Now, because life has regained routine, we have the time to ponder, an important positive.

6. And one more: we have a stronger focus on eternity. Part of the October 20th blog 5 years ago was the detailing of a new strategy: we decided that day to start talking about heaven. I wrote, “The time has come to shine a spotlight on his brightest hope.”

It’s true none of us lives in a crystal ball, but because we know the Lord, we can accurately predict that our separation from Nate is only temporary. The future sees us together again in heaven, and focusing on that is positive indeed.

”I give [my sheep] eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:28)

When Healing Comes

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After the death of a husband, how long does it take to heal? When is grieving finished?

Getting Through ThisFourteen months after Nate died, as I looked back over that year’s blog posts, I was surprised to realize not every one of them had been about him. At first I was appalled but later realized it was a sign of a broken heart being mended.

C. S. Lewis published a small book of journal entries penned during deep sorrow over losing his wife to cancer. A Grief Observed was so personal, he wouldn’t allow his name on the cover but instead ghost-published as N. W. Clerk. After Lewis died several years later, his stepson republished it revealing his true identity.

A Grief ObservedLewis went through raw grief, doubting God’s love and availability to him, wondering whether there was an afterlife at all. But by the end of the book, his relationship with the Lord had been restored, and his grief was beginning to heal. He wrote:

“There was no sudden, striking emotion. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight when you first notice them, they have already been going on for a long time.”

That year after Nate died I was encouraged to realize my healing had already been going on for a long time. It wasn’t that I was “finished,” but just as Lewis learned, raw emotion  slowly mellows. Instead of labeling Nate as “missing”, as having left a big, empty hole in our family, I began to think of him as our larger-than-life husband and father, the lively, loyal head of our family who was full of personality and loved each of us wholeheartedly.

As one of our kids said somewhere during that first year, “Papa was a legend.” He wasn’t the kind of legend that made the cover of TIME, but a Nyman-legend to be sure. Grief has a way of wrapping what’s good with a negative shroud, but as time passes and we heal, the layers peel away, and the positives come shining through.

God has helped me see more and more of these positives as the years have passed, and I credit him with every bit of my healing. He’s been my constant companion, my shield from despair and, as the biblical David put it, “the lifter of my head.”

Nyman familyHad we known Nate would die at 64, leaving us after only 42 days of warning, we’d have still chosen him for our husband and father. He will always be our main man, the one we wanted then, the one we still love now, and the one for whom we thank God.

“You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and he answered me.” (Psalm 3:3-4)

Pleasure Reading

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Nate was an intellectual, and I used to wonder if my goofy questions were too foolish to ask, not wanting him to think he married a dummy. My mind was like a wind-tunnel, whoosh-in-whoosh-out. Nate’s was like a funnel; information poured into him and stayed there. His favorite leisure activity was reading, especially newspapers, and wherever he sat, a pile of printed material would accumulate.

IMG_0266I remember the day I was planning to ask Nate to read a book I’d found helpful, so we could discuss it. It was about making a good marriage better, and I knew it wasn’t his preferred genre. But I had an idea. First I’d ask if he’d like me to read anything special. Then I’d ask about my book.

When I asked what he’d like me to read, he said, “A daily newspaper.” And surprise-surprise, that wasn’t my preferred genre. Nate loved to discuss current events, and my end was usually no more than a battery of questions. I knew he wished I’d be better informed.

He then said, “And what should I read?” and I handed him the marriage book. He looked it over and said, “Sure. I’ll take a look at it.”

The next morning, after he’d read the first newspaper of his daily four or five and had left for work, I spread out Section 1 on the kitchen counter and began reading. In the next few weeks I gleaned enough from 10 daily minutes with one newspaper to handle dinner conversations, and he perused the marriage book enough to talk about it.

Newspaper articleAlthough we both gravitated back to our earlier preferences, Nate began marking newspaper pages with ballpoint, drawing arrows at articles he thought I’d enjoy reading and leaving them on the kitchen counter. Sometimes he’d jot comments in the margins.

Gradually I applied his condensed method to the books I wished he’d read. I’d Xerox a couple of pages, write a note at the top, and set them next to his newspapers. He always read them, sometimes adding his own comments next to mine and handing them back. Our “distilled” system worked well throughout the years, and we were still using it until cancer took away his ability to read.

Sometimes I think of God as the #1 intellectual of all time. He’s fully informed about every newspaper subject, having actually orchestrated the details behind the world events reported in the articles. Yet he’s also interested in close-to-home topics like marriage and family.

He uses creative ways to point his arrows toward the parts of his Word we need to read, and his comments are written all over it. Best of all, he’s eager to participate in the conversation. And when we call on him, he answers with, “Count me in.”

“Moses and Aaron were among his priests, and Samuel was among those who called on his name. They called upon the Lord and he answered them.” (Psalm 99:6)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. PTL that the tube pain is gone!
  2. Please pray we’ll get the many wedding preparations done on schedule. Only 3 weeks left.