Category Archives: Saying Goodbye

Newlywed Love (#16)

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December 31, 1969

As 1969 moved into 1970, Nate and I quietly brought in the New Year alone-together, in our little apartment, satisfied to be tucked away rather than at a party, a fireworks display, or even a church service. Life would pick up speed soon enough, starting with Nate’s January finals in law school.

Nate retrieving firewoodOn New Year’s Eve, we had our supper on the floor in front of a cozy fire and recounted all that had happened in the year now ending.

He and I had gone from pen pals into a dating relationship, to an engagement, and then into marriage. I’d left my teaching post in Chicago as well as my apartment and roommates, and he’d finished his commitment as a dorm counselor at the university.

I had said goodbye to friends and family, then moved to Champaign. He’d moved from dorm room to rented room to our apartment. I’d driven a Corvair, then a Corvette, and then had no wheels at all. He’d gotten his first car, a VW.

I began teaching a grade level I knew nothing about, and he’d put another year of law school under his belt. With all this going on, to bring in the New Year with gentleness seemed just right.

Back in Wilmette, Dad was moving through his last workday on the 31st, before his official retirement. He was 70 years old and had dropped one weekday of work each year for five years, retiring in a slow and orderly manner. He and his partner, another Mr. Johnson, had built a Chicago engineering/architectural firm from the ground up, nurturing it from just the two of them into 250 draftsmen with building projects all over the country.

Dad at his deskTheir firm had designed and built everything from churches to factories and had had a successful run. We were all proud of him. Coming from an immigrant family where no English had been spoken till Dad enrolled in school at age 6, he had done well. And it was time to rest.

I had asked if he was nervous about that last day, wishing he could work a while longer, but he had said it was just the opposite – “time to get out of the rat race.” I was glad for him. He’d even married off his “wild” daughter to a stable man, which must have helped his new sense of freedom. I had put him through his paces, especially as a teen, and was grateful that after all our “wars,” he still loved me.

Winter beauity.As for Mom, she wrote in her diary:

It’s so beautiful. I stood by the window and cried. Snow falling – colored lights on evergreen. O God! Your gift!

I think she was referring to Jesus having come to earth, but it could have just been a sense of overall wellbeing.

 

Mom's emotions

And I had to agree with her. Life was indeed beautiful, nearly to the point of tears, and oh so full.

 

“…. pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap.” (Luke 6:38)

Newlywed Love (#13)

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December 27, 1969

Mother-in-law LoisSpending Christmas with my in-laws and then Nate’s was a good plan. Although we’d had mild opposition from both sets of parents about setting our wedding date months previously, there had never been any resistance about who each of us had chosen to marry.

I felt complete acceptance from the Nymans (right, with Nate’s mother; below, Nate with his father), and Nate knew he was welcomed by the Johnsons.

 

Nate and red jacketThis cheerful approval was quite different, at least on my side, from what I’d experienced while dating my non-Christian boyfriend. Although Mom and Dad had always been kind to him when he was in their home, privately it was another story.

 

Dad, especially, had been concerned about the possibility of me committing to a partnership that would be “unequally yoked,” as the Bible put it in the King James Version. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

Both parents and nearly everyone else in my circle of friends had seen clearly that this boyfriend and I were not unified in our core beliefs, the important values that would control all the opinions and decisions of the future…. for both of us. Even Mary and Bervin, always encouraging, had advised us to break up.

During those 18 months of dating, Dad would often wait up for me when I came in from a date, even when I arrived home at 2:30 or 3:00 AM. When I saw the light upstairs, I knew he would be waiting in my room with a frown and a lecture.

Often these tense conversations included the warning that if I committed to this boy, I would be unhappy long-term. And to back up his arguments, Dad would often leave pamphlets and articles in my room about the difficulty of marriage between a believer and a non-believer.

I felt terrible guilt about causing Mom and Dad such angst as I continued to date this boy, but hadn’t been enough to stop me. It was only the arrival of another girl that became God’s way of convicting me to leave him.

Now, though, after having married a man my parents respected and would have chosen for me themselves, everything was different. Being with my family was marked by easy acceptance. And it included light…. and laughter.

Nate’s and my relationship made them glad, which then nourished both of us. And since I’d known the opposite reality, my satisfaction during our Christmas visit was considerable.

Passing out gifts(Right, Mom distributes presents)

All of us exchanged simple gifts while we were together, but the most valuable one Nate and I received was the love and acceptance of both sets of in-laws – a gift that would matter on every holiday to follow, throughout the years.

“Welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” (Romans 15:7)

Newlywed Love (#8)

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December 17, 1969

Although our mailbox wasn’t as full as during pre-wedding days, Nate faithfully checked it. I loved receiving occasional letters from Mary, Mom, and others who kept me current with the news of family and friends back home.

One day, after I’d hiked up the stairs at the end of a long work day, Nate and I greeted each other warmly as always – but then he said, “Interesting mail today.”

“From who?” I said.

With a serious expression he turned to get the letter, handing it to me while keeping his eyes on my face. Immediately I recognized the writing — my old boyfriend.

Although it was addressed to both of us, Nate had chosen not to open it.

“I have no idea what it is,” I said, “but you can open it if you want.”

“No thanks,” he said.

When I was still dating this guy, I was also exchanging letters with Nate, and he knew about the relationship from before it began until after it ended 18 months later. I often asked “my friend Nate” for advice about how to handle conflict with “my boyfriend,” and through that time Nate never said a negative word about him.

Instead, he gave his objective opinions, absent of any pressure on me to break it off, though that’s what he was hoping for. He gave me the freedom to choose while praying passionately that God would turn my heart toward him.

As I held this unexpected letter in a hand that was slightly trembling, I looked up at my young husband and saw something new in his face: anger. Not toward me but toward the letter and its author.

Wanting to reassure him I said, “If you want to, we can just throw it away without opening it.”

“No.” he said, “Let’s see what he wants.”

LetterI opened the envelope and began reading aloud, struggling with a tightness in my throat. “I’d like to be friends with both of you,” he wrote. “So I’m inviting you to my New Year’s Eve party. It’ll be at my house – Dec. 31, of course.”

He wrote about a new beginning and gave the details of the party, ending with, “Hope to see you there!”

Nate didn’t say a word, but his thoughts were all over his face. He waited for me to speak.

I handed the letter back to him and said, “I have absolutely zero interest in having a relationship with him, or attending his party. I hope I never see him again in my whole life.”

Nate’s expression relaxed a bit and he encircled me in a strong hug. Though I still felt shaky, I was sure everything was going to work out right. Together we composed a brief response with a “no” for the RSVP, clearly stating we weren’t interested in pursuing friendship.

I love you.Later as we walked to the mailbox, we talked further about the letter and the possibility of other outside influences coming from all kinds of places with potential to harm our marriage. And we decided then and there that we would be intentional about fending them all off…. together.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” (Proverbs 4:23)