Category Archives: Suffering

Nelson’s journal 5/15/22

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As the dreadful reality of cancer sinks in, Nelson weighs his options and gets some counsel from a close cousin, Luke, who lives in Minnesota.

Ann Sophie struggles to make her own adjustments at the apartment, 20 minutes from the hospital, while tending to a month-old baby. Thankfully her midwife/friend was with her when Nelson called with the awful diagnosis.

The next day Ann Sophie called me, and when she said the word “cancer,” we wept together over the phone.

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May 15, 2022 

I’m at the hospital for the 4th night now. Last time I was admitted here was in 2003 when I was almost killed in that scooter wreck with Andrew. We were so reckless, and God was so kind. This time, I might be here because I was reckless too, but not recently.

Maybe the mass in my lungs is from smoking or any number of other things that could give you lung cancer. It’s pretty much what I have. You never think it will happen to you, even though you have a chest pain once in a while and think of worse-case-scenarios like that.

Then all of a sudden a doc calls me on the phone after looking at a scan and tells me, “We found a mass next to your heart and nodules without number in your lungs. Looks like general lymphoma.”

More tests and lots of coughing later, I’m here after having 1.3 liters of fluid drained from my right lung alone in a hospital bed. I’m enjoying the buzz of a couple pain pills as I stay here for the last night, hopefully.

It’s Annso’s birthday tomorrow, so I would like to be there for that if possible. She has been by to see me every day so far. Thank God she’s willing to do what she has to do to get in to be with me. It would be super lonely otherwise.

 

 

Last night I had this panic attack, because I felt I couldn’t get enough air. Even just sitting here, I was out of breath, and I was on oxygen. Luke offered to help us get into the Mayo Clinic if we want that, and we took him up on it, considering this island is so hard to make things happen on.

When it’s a dryer you have on order that takes 12 weeks to get here, and once it comes in, they don’t even call to tell you it’s in, you can laugh about it. But when it’s your cancer scan results and they don’t bother sending them to the other doc or just loose them all together, it’s hard to stick around and trust them with your life when there are other options.

I’m thankful, Lord for Luke and his generosity, for BBC and theirs [Brentwood Bible Church], and for a total change of plans. For everything. Not what I would have wanted, but you can use it. I wonder how it will be—like Papa? Or will I get better, at least for a little while?

NO one knows.

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“Every day of my life was recorded in your book…before a single day had passed.” (Psalm 139:16)

Nelson’s journal 5/10/22  

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On this date, Nelson is journaling on his laptop from a hospital bed. His pain and breathing issues had escalated rapidly, resulting in two separate trips to the ER.

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May 10, 2022 

Today is day 2 at the hospital, my second time coming in to the ER because the pain and coughing were so severe. Annso pretty much insisted I do it. I went to campus and taught the Korean Foundation School, then came home, ate a nice salad with her and came up here [to the hospital].

Once I was here, there was this really young doctor who zeroed right in on fluid in the lungs. Once I told him I was coughing so hard at night and that I was so out of breath, he ran and got a mini-ultrasound machine and found fluid in my heart cavity and lungs.

That led them to do tons of tests, including a CT scan showing a tumor or growth in my neck and a few lymph nodes in the lungs, about 11 cm at the biggest. All of a sudden the fluid makes sense, the cough, and none of it has to do with the Thyroid, which is what everyone has been looking at.

At this point the admitting doc calls me on the phone and tells me–she really thinks it’s cancer. So does the tech who does these scans all the time. They will test more tomorrow, including a full body CT scan to see what else is going on. Maybe there are things growing in other places, not that these places aren’t severe enough.

When she told me that, I could hardly believe it, but at the same time, I could. All the intense pain and coughing now add up. I even said a couple times, “If I was told I had stage 3 lung cancer, I would believe it, because it feels like I think that would feel.”

It’s yet to be confirmed, and I would love for her to be wrong, but everyone is praying and it seems a likely scenario. Lots of things come into perspective all of a sudden, but I’m trying not to go worse-case-scenario right away.

I think of what happened to Papa and wonder, “Will I be alive this time next year? Will I be alive at Christmas? Will I be alive still even in August?” Unknown for all of us, but especially me. I don’t know anything. But the people I worry about the most are Annso and Will. What will they do? How hard for them will it be?

I would have the easier situation, and they’d be left to pick up the pieces. How terrible. How terrible for her to be turned into a single Mom so soon after our answer to prayer and miracle baby. I don’t even want to ask WHY. Doesn’t matter, and no answer will come to that one anyway.

I just think of those who went before me and how they did it. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that and I can beat it, whatever “it” is.

God, help me to know what to do now, to be the best man to Annso, strong and optimistic, someone she can rely on and who knows what to do, the one who may not know, but who knows who to trust.

I pray for strength. I pray for healing, for a miracle, for different results on tomorrow’s test, for there to even be a mistake somehow. Thank you for getting Annso in here [hospital] today. That was a miracle [because of strict Covid rules]. I pray she gets in tomorrow too. I pray for supernatural strength for her too.

What will happen to us? To me? To Will? Tomorrow will worry about itself. Amen.

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“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)

Nelson’s journal 5/6/22  

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Nelson’s poor health is lingering without improvement. But he’s hoping it’ll resolve before their summer vacation begins when they hope to drive an RV from California to the Ark Encounter in Kentucky–connecting with 28 family members there. The medical community is still describing his symptoms as a thyroid problem.

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My thyroid is in and out. Yesterday was pretty good but with lots of fatigue in the afternoon, but today was fatigue pretty much all day and nausea later on. Not the most pleasant disease in the world.

Long term sickness is no fun with an uncertain timeline. Each adjustment in meds takes 3-4 weeks to plain out, then blood work, then another adjustment. Right now I’m not taking anything other than some heartburn meds to see if that has any effect on the cough. So far, nothing has touched that at all.

Seems like the doc thinks that that will plain off once the swelling in the thyroid goes down. No sermons to prepare. Sold the blue truck the other day. Lots of good stuff is happening. Ron Ryan is looking at an RV for me in San Diego for our road trip this Summer. It’s a vintage Toyota from 1979. I hope it’s not too old.

We want to take it from California to the Ark in about 2 week’s time without going on the interstate. Slow but steady. Seems to be in good shape, but they want a little too much for it.

We met with a really sweet Kokua Crew couple to help them decide their future. They are such sweet people, full of faith. “God told me this. God told me that.” They are such a cool expression of God’s heart. Both Annso and I are more the stoic, European/Scandinavian style of people. Less emotional and more practical. Fun to see God work within the differences. Thankful for YWAM and diversity.

It’s Friday night. We’re chilling at home as usual cause it’s too much hassle taking Will anywhere. Hoping the trip works out good with all the movement. We travel well together, so that’s good.

I hope my sickness is somewhat “at bay” by the time we leave, because we really don’t have health care outside the islands unless we pay for it. But here, everything is covered.

Annso is baking again, which is cool. We are getting the parenting thing down a bit, even though we haven’t mastered anything, if that’s even possible at any point. I pray for this sickness to resolve itself and to be normal again without meds at all. I pray it happens before June 22 when we leave. No more nausea, no more fatigue, no more cough. Those are the 3 big things going on all day and night these days. Sure helps not to take your health for granted.

Lord, I have been so healthy all my life, and for that I’m super thankful. I won’t take it for granted again, being able to run, swim, exercise, none of it. If there is something I am doing to create this problem, please let me know so I can correct it.

I’m thankful I drink less coffee this way. I wanted to cut back. Hard to be super nauseous and enjoy anything food or drink-wise. I’m sure thankful I sold that old truck for $3000. Not a big deal compared to what others are doing, but for me, it was a small victory. To resurrect something that would otherwise have gone to the junkyard, to get it running and totally legal. I thought that was pretty good.

Never did take it off road, but the 4×4 worked, so that’s cool. I’m thankful for the place you put us, the freedom we have, for the end of the Little Red Church, for the end of my career as an electrician, short-lived as it was, and for YWAM days, one after another so we can spend time together as a new little family.

I’m thankful for the cool little vehicles we have, the Miata, the Civic, the Ruckus, Metro, and the Shadow. Fun to have so many wheels all in the same place. Thankful for Ron Ryan who is looking at this RV for me. Thankful for your leading even when we don’t know.

I’m thankful that I didn’t go lead the guy’s prayer room after hearing the voice of God teaching me. Lord, you spoke through that magazine that said, “Hit the Road,” and that’s how faithful you are. Thankful that people actually want to hear my testimony. For the awesome grounds crew and their submission to what I ask, and their hard work and flexibility toward me. What a blessing.

Thank you for the summer and how Greg is thinking about coming back and helping me run the grounds team while we’re gone. Thank you that we are going to have a great staff team that prays and takes care of the place. Thank you Lord that you always give us what we need and way more. Thank you for Annso and Will and how you brought that to pass, the miracle it is.

Thank you for our parents. Thank you that you make seeing them possible this Summer. Thank you that I am speaking at the Korean Foundation School next week. What a cool thing. Thank you that you have given me the teaching already. I pray for the right words and that you would help me to include what I need to and leave out things that are not relevant to little kids.

Thank you for the Titus Project and what it taught me back in the day in Montana. I pray that you would lead us on the right road from California to Nashville in the Summer, or whichever way we take.

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“O Lord, if I have found favor in your sight, do not pass by your servant.” (Genesis 18:3)