Category Archives: Suffering

Young Love (#25)

Posted on by

The school year was passing, and Nate’s and my relationship was gaining strength – from my point of view, too. And then, as before, my old boyfriend resurfaced. He called and invited me to play a few games of the wonder sport, tennis, and springy weather made his request tempting. Everything in me screamed, “Don’t!”

But I did.

tennisI knew I loved Nate. But I knew I had loved the other guy, too, and such strong feelings don’t just poof away. They need time to diminish. I didn’t tell anyone I was meeting him, knowing they’d all call me a fool. And deep inside, I knew that’s what I was.

After our tennis, we went out to eat and then back to his place where we talked and talked – till 5:30 AM. He told me he still felt about me the same way he did when we were in a romantic relationship. I was flattered… and nervous. I told him about Nate, that we were seeing a lot of each other, and he disapproved. No surprise. I sensed that once I left him that night, I’d never be back. Spending all that time with him was much like someone starting a new diet plan but bingeing the night before.

The next day, however, I had to pay the piper. I needed to tell Nate about the date when we met in Champaign — but only at the right moment. Expecting he would respond with patient acceptance as before, I was in for a big surprise.

April 10, 1969 – Dear Nate. While I was getting organized for our upcoming weekend, I was munching on a piece of the salt water taffy you gave me, and out came one of my fillings! So I had to take time off to visit the dentist. I didn’t want that big hole to ruin our weekend with its zapping pain each time I bit down on it. But now, all is well. And I’ll see you very soon! Love, and more love, Meg

April 10, 1969 – Dearest Meg. Your idea about visiting me during your spring break is great! When is it? I have upcoming exams and an Army Field Exercise, but don’t worry about these. I would love you to be with me during them. I got to see your daily teaching routine, so it would be good for you to see my disorganized life of counseling, law, and ROTC.

After the weekend:

military-ballApril 14, 1969 – To my dear Nate. This weekend was a jewel. (Military Ball, right)

I do believe both you and I had a spiritual awakening on Easter night a week ago. It was real for both of us, a milestone in our lives. In Christ I love you, and as Nate Nyman I love you, too. I’m feeling so differently about you these days.

April 14, 1969 – Dearest Meg. You know in your heart how much I love you and want to be with you. I am extremely pleased that you enjoyed the weekend. And as soon as you make a commitment to me, we can be engaged. However, to protect my own emotions, I am going to date others also. Believe me, before I told you this on the weekend, I was on the point of falling in total and complete worshipful love of you. At the same time I knew you were not ready to commit yourself to me. That was wounding. But I still do love you.

April 17, 1969 – Dear Nate. The letter I received from you today was well written and meaningful. I read it 4 times. I was so glad I heard from you today. I think if I hadn’t, I really would have been in a bad way. This week has been very confusing. There is a barrier building between us, although sometimes I feel we are closer than ever. One minute I’m thrashing myself for remaining undecided when asked for a commitment by such a fine person as you, and I ache at knowing how unfair I’m being. But then I wonder if those thoughts are what should persuade me. I’m so sorry.

“It is the Spirit who gives life. The flesh is no help at all.” (John 6:63)

Young Love (#14)

Posted on by

Nate was gaining in confidence and brought up the subject of introducing me to his parents. I was a little nervous about this, since it felt like I was being nudged into a new level of commitment I hadn’t yet made.

It was nice that he seemed proud of me and was sure his folks would like me. But I didn’t want to give them (or Nate) the wrong impression. By no means was I “all in.”

hmmmHiding beneath the exciting reality of dating two great guys at once was a deep wound that still hadn’t healed – the upsetting split from my old boyfriend 4 months previously. It was continuing to fester and cause pain, and I still thought about him every day. The bottom line was, I didn’t want to commit to anyone new, fearing another broken heart.

Feb. 18, 1969 – Dear Meg. I am really beginning to need you emotionally and spiritually. Sudden desires to be with you possess me. I can’t get the times we’ve spent together out of my mind. Being with you is enough. Walking, talking, eating, watching T.V., even studying. But being together causes some very, very painful goodbyes. “Precious” is the word describing your letters… and you.

Feb. 20, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m beginning to realize that you and I are playing with fire as far as our feelings go. Either one of us could get heartbroken, but I’m trying to remain open-minded. And since we’ve signed our relationship over to the Lord, I can’t think he would give either of us any grief too great to gracefully bear. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling something for you that’s very close to love. But oh, the uncertainty of feelings! It frightens me!

hershey-kissFeb. 22, 1969 – Dear Meg. I am savoring your chocolate kiss now. I took it off the package wrapping and saved it until I got home. You’re beautiful and I love you. I am keeping my feelings in check so I won’t get hurt, but I want you to give me an indication if there’s any change in your feelings. And when the time is right, I can then uncheck my feelings.

Feb. 23, 1969 – Dear Nate. Little by little I hope the scariness of all this will dissipate. One thing I really want you to know is that I appreciate you telling me there is no pressure on me to make a decision right now. You are a most kind and considerate man. I am lucky to know you.

rFeb. 25, 1969 – Dear Meg. I wish I could hug you now! And that’s pretty passionate at 10 AM after an hour of Constitutional Law! That soft skin… I think of you through class and at many other times. Here in Champaign, the lid is ready to blow off things. Last night $55,000 worth of card catalogues were burned at the library. But now I have to go and get ready for ROTC drill. I love you. Love, Nate.

“Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in him, and he will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

Young Love (#8)

Posted on by

Life bounced along at a happy pace through Christmas, as I enjoyed the attentions of one long-distance guy and another up-close one. Both relationships were moving forward, and I didn’t see any potential conflict. I even entertained thoughts of what it might be like to be married to one or the other, but didn’t try to choose.

It had been a year since I’d seen Nate, and as Dec. 27 approached, I grew more and more excited…

…until an unexpected phone call knocked me for a loop.

getting-readyIt was Dec. 26, the day before Nate was to arrive, and when I picked up the phone, my heart stopped. It was my old boyfriend. Though it had been 9 weeks since our traumatic break-up, when I heard his voice, I melted. He asked if I might want to get together that evening, just as “friends,” and in a swirl of confused but lovely feelings, I said yes.

Since there are no letters written about that night, I’ll quote from my journal:

Dec. 26, 1968 – We went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant, and it was just like old times – beautiful. Since we were now “good friends,” he was eager to tell me about his new girlfriend. As he confided in me, I had all I could do to keep my jealous feelings in check. I had to silently pray for constant support.

He told me they were making plans to move in together. Though I knew I shouldn’t have been wounded by that news (after all, we were broken up), it absolutely crushed me.

But after he was done mentioning “her,” I enjoyed every minute, relishing the time with him. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He told me he’d have to leave my house by 1:00 AM that night, but at 3:30 we were still talking. When we finally hugged goodbye, it felt good to be wrapped in his arms again. He told me he still “liked me a lot” and hoped we could have many more get-togethers. He left close to 4:00 AM.

I don’t feel much like seeing Nate tomorrow. I’ll have to really work at it. I’ve just got to get a positive attitude before then, or it’ll flop badly.

broken-heartDec. 27, 1968 – Nate comes today, but this morning all I can think about is (my old boyfriend). But I figured out that his new girlfriend is the one factor preventing me from going back to him and laying my heart at his feet, which would be an utter fatality. So, I see that she is the Lord’s answer to my prayers, His preventive medicine for me, and I absolutely must swallow it. It’s agony! But it’s 100% effective…

“This is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of Him.” (1 John 5:14-15)