Category Archives: Suffering

Roadblocks

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As Birgitta continues her Discipleship Training School here in Kona, Hawaii, I continue being Emerald’s nanny. Our adjustments have been legion and continue still. But we have pushed past several roadblocks and feel like we’re making progress.

Our first 4 days at the University of the Nations were a blend of sickness and jet lag. One rocky night found Emerald vomiting seven times, keeping both she and Birgitta scrambling for dry bedding and clothes throughout the night.

IMG_1468Emerald’s flu was complicated by exhaustion and lasted 3 torturous days. We were tired, too, and had all we could do to keep up with laundry as we tried to figure out where to find quarters, a wash machine, and time to use it. We couldn’t bring a vomiting child to the dining area so had to figure out how to buy food for the room. It was 4 days before I got a sip of coffee.

During that time I, for one, forgot how to have a normal conversation and could only speak in questions: How do I get into the front gate? Why is there no way to close the room door without getting locked out? Can I have a second key? How might I get one? Where do I collect mail? Is it true we can use bowls and spoons left behind by others? Where are they? Can I take books from the library? How do I get a library card? Is there a preschool playgroup on campus? Would Emerald qualify? How far is the walk to town? What stores are available?

Emerald's roomBut now, after 15 days, the 3 of us have learned a handbook-full of new things as friendly folks on campus have given us the answers we craved. And at long last we are beginning to feel at home in this beautiful, tropical place full of people who love the Lord. Emerald is healthy, and jet lag is history.

Birgitta, as the only mother in her group, has had to adjust to being “odd-man-out” in that regard. Merging Emerald into class sessions, prayer meetings, and worship gatherings has been only moderately successful so far, but that’s why I’m here, at least for now – to pick up the slack.

But we aren’t the only ones struggling with a new start. Everyone comes to such challenges again and again through life. Despite a burst of enthusiasm at the beginning, before long we wonder if we made the wrong decision. Looking back to our previous normal tempts us to quit when things get hard. But then what do we do if we feel God led us to make the change in the first place? Quitting seems like questioning his wisdom.

We don’t have to look very far to get God’s advice on this. He says we’re to blast through every roadblock that gets in the way of doing what he’s assigned us to do. (Hebrews 12:1) This will not only please him but will lead to a good end-result.

FullSizeRender (22)It’s taken 15 days, but today we three are beginning to see the results of persevering. Though we still have questions, following God’s advice is our best option.

May the Lord direct your hearts into…. Christ’s perseverance. (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

When All the Choices Are Bad

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Everyday life forces decisions on all of us, some of them lightweight, others very heavy. But what’s the best way to make a decision when every choice is bad?

Tired JackieOur canine friend Jack is nearing the end of his life, handing us a heavy question. What’s the most loving way to deal with him, now that he’s old and infirm? In other words, when is pet-euthanasia kind, and when is it not?

Though technically Jack belongs to Louisa and Birgitta, they grew up and left home, which is when he became “mine.” God’s timing was perfect in that, since it happened simultaneously with Nate’s going to heaven. But for Jack, that was half-a-lifetime ago, and much has changed for both of us since then.

As my pain has calmed, his has climbed, which is why the girls and I are sensing we’re coming up against this rough decision. And we’re having lots of trouble making it.

Is there ever a right time to schedule that last appointment with a vet? Or should we wait? But then, wait for what? for one more thing to go wrong? for Jack to stop eating? or go into hiding? or fall down the stairs (again) and do damage this time?

In one week Birgitta, Emerald, and I will be leaving home for an extended period of time, me for about a month, she much longer. [Next blog] Though we’ve worked diligently to find daily care for Jack, we’ve been unsuccessful. But even if we had succeeded, we know being alone at all is very difficult for him right now. He claws at doors and howls to get close to us, new signs of his decline.

Besides, what if he had a crisis with no one nearby to help him? Would it be fair to abandon him while he’s so needy? And even if we could find good care, would we wrongly be transferring our difficult decision to someone else?

Though I’m filled with joy as I share this week with our daughter and her family in Florida, my pal Jack back home (with Birgitta caring for him) is constantly on my mind.

IMG_0801Yesterday I called Jack’s vet to talk about end-of-life issues for him. If we decided on euthanasia, exactly how would it go for him? For us? Though she patiently answered my questions, she couldn’t help me with the timing problem. The pressure of our upcoming trip makes us think no decision should be made right now. But simultaneously that same trip is forcing one.

Yesterday someone suggested God might have lined up these exact circumstances for just that reason – knowing we’d be unable to make this decision for Jack any other way.

As the Creator (of Jack and us) often does, He sent wise counsel through others who have had to make this same “bad” decision. And each of their stories has helped lighten our heavy thoughts. Most have ended their comments with the same advice: “Don’t wait too long.”

Before I hung up with the vet, I made an appointment – Jack’s last. In my heart I know it’s the best of our bad choices, but it still felt pretty bad. The only thing that made it tolerable was knowing we do have an option to cancel….

The righteous care for the needs of their animals. Proverbs 2:10

 

That Loving Touch

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Having been here in Florida all week, I’ve been having a great time getting acquainted with grandchild #11 – Baby Nelson Aaron. So far, at twelve days old, he’s proven to be a mellow little fellow. Coming fifth in his family line-up, he’s going to be raised in a pack of lively siblings and will one day know how to hold his own. But for now, like all newborns, he’s completely helpless.

Touches from IsaacOne of the things he can’t regulate is the flood of love pouring over him from the other children. Each of the baby’s siblings relates to their new little brother in different ways. But one thing they all have in common is wanting to touch him — kisses on the head, pats on the tummy, strokes on the hair, pokes, and taps.

Though Baby Nelson generally bears up well, he does have a limit. “Enough already,” he says, by way of a pinched face. “No more.” It’s then that Linnea puts a halt to any further “loving” touches on easy-going Nellie.

Touches from SkylarThe baby’s objection to those generous touches reminds me of how I sometimes respond to God’s touch. Though he loves me with unfailing love – always and ever – sometimes I object to how it feels.

For example, he might touch me with a sadness of heart for a friend in crisis, coaxing me to get involved. That, in turn, might lead to a broken heart as I get deeper into her situation.

He might withhold a good opportunity I desperately want, even need, because the right timing hasn’t yet come.

He might allow a trial that feels like too much to handle, because he knows I’ll move closer to him as a result, maybe even be a good example of how to endure.

GetAttachment[1]All of these things are motivated solely by his love, coming by way of specifically chosen circumstances, which translates to divine touches. We might say, “How about feeling a divine touch with a few unexpected checks in the mail or euphoria in every relationship?” And sometimes those things do happen. But we usually scrunch up when his touches feel too rough or too abrupt.

C. S. Lewis wrote, “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

But that’s the undercard of God’s true love. He doesn’t want us to doubt that he loves us dearly, but he wants us to also acknowledge that painful experiences can be initiated by his love, too. If we, like Baby Nelson, scrunch up our faces and tell God “enough already,” he’ll continue loving us – always and ever – but might withdraw the perfect chance for us to love him back.

The Touchers

But if we love the Lord, we’ll accept his touches for better or for worse. And in the end, we’ll find out that it all lined up under unfailing love.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. (Lamentations 3:32)