Back in 1984, Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a parenting book entitled, Making Children Mind without Losing Yours with chapters like this one: “How to Act When They Act Up.” He recognized that parents needed help and gave some good advice.
Part of the problem is that parents never know what to expect. Their task is full of surprises. Although some are glorious (like the intensity of love for a child), some are horrendous (like the power of a temper tantrum). And as we look back on our efforts at the end of two decades, we wonder if what we did was good enough. We see mistakes and have regrets, but we also see we did some things right. But time’s up, and the way the kids “turned out” is generally the way it stands.
Despite all the surprises of parenting during those in-the-home years, the biggest one for me came after our active parenting had ended and our 7 had all left the nest. Nate and I had gotten started on the parenthood journey in 1973, and I figured motherhood would fall off a cliff when baby Nelson reached the age of 21. It was a big surprise that our relationship morphed into one of adult-to-adult while still retaining strong attachments as mother-and-son, father-and-son.
Although we’d had our share of “run-ins” during the growing up years, once Nelson became an adult, our problems melted away, and we were free to become friends. With our eyebrows raised, Nate and I used to talk about the wonder of that new stage of parenting.
Now, since our children are grown and all leading productive lives, the same delightful change has occurred in each of them. These adult siblings are looking out for their mother and each other, and they work hard to have time together. If I keeled over tomorrow, I have no doubt they’d all stay close-in-heart.
I’m still their mom, though in different ways now, and each of them reminds me often of the special place I have in their lives. It’s undeserved but so appreciated.
All of this adult-child blessing is actually God’s intention for all parents. It’s as if he says, “When I sent you a new baby, I knew I was giving you an enormous assignment. But you took it on, and now, in these years after the difficult days have passed, you’re learning the depth of what I meant when I said ‘children are a gift.’ ”
(…all but Lars)
My heart breaks over some of the mistakes I made as a mother, and yet my children demonstrate loyalty and love to me anyway. If I’d have known about all these goodies waiting for me at the end of active parenting, I would have been much less likely, during the stressful years, to have the mind-losing moments Kevin Leman referred to in his book. But none of that matters now, because I’m surrounded by the lovely surprise of one of God’s best gifts: my adult children.
“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!” (Psalm 127:3,5 The Message)
