In this entry, Nelson continues exploring why he’s nervous about death.

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October 12, 2022

I have been praying that I would see and feel the love of Christ more all the time, less fear of God and more love I guess. I have that off balance. Mom sat here last night and told me that we are sure of it. Away from the body is at home with the Lord. She says it with such confidence, but when I thought I was dying, I didn’t feel like that at all.

Maybe I am not educated enough in the truth about God. I know the Bible, but it didn’t help me in that moment. Why not? I would like that to change.

I’ve struggled with the fear of death my whole life… and not the fear of the process of death, but the fear of standing before God after death, that he will condemn me and cut me off. That’s what I’m afraid of most I think.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1-2) There it is. There is the verse that should instill confidence in the people of God, not fear of seeing God and being condemned by him.

You have to just believe, I suppose. Just repeat the words no matter what lies in your heart. Just say it and try to believe you’ll be ok in the end. Let God change you from the inside out.

Today Mom is here and we have a pretty relaxed schedule. It’s very empty without Will and Annso, but it’s a good time and a chance to be with Mom anyway. There are about 9 days left until they come back, so instead of counting them down, I’m trying to enjoy this mini-season God has given me, and embrace it.

We are going to Luke’s place over the weekend and to church, and  probably small group Thursday night, so there are a few things here and there. I’m thankful for this time, for Annso and Will being able to travel to Germany, for him being able to meet his great uncles and how important that is to his family.

Thank you for my wife and little boy. You have made dream after dream come true, Lord. And if you do this here on earth, how much more will you do that in heaven once we get there?

Thank you for the affirmation from people I’ve influenced in Kokua Crew over the years. It’s hard to see it at the time, but I’m thankful for messages from people thanking me for pushing them to do a DTS [Discipleship Training School in YWAM].

One guy sent me a message telling me he’s grateful to me for pushing him to do it and how much God is working in his life. I’m so thankful to know that. Thank you, Lord, for the bravery to say those things to those young guys. I have so much to be thankful for.

Maybe we don’t know the fullness of what happens here on earth or a true tally until we get to heaven at the end of the line, but I’m thankful for getting to know some of it here.

(…continued tomorrow)

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“The Lord your God is in your midst…. He will quiet you by his love.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

In this post Nelson addresses his struggle to be content with his security in Christ—wondering why experienced intense fear when he was close to death a few weeks earlier.

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October 11, 2022

Annso has been gone for a couple days now. She says her house over there is cold, and she feels like a shadow of herself. I can agree with that and am so glad we have each other. I wouldn’t have half the drive I do without her.

I know for sure I wouldn’t have bought a house or anything. Just wouldn’t care that much about it… not enough to go through all the trouble to make it happen. Her encouragement and presence is so helpful for me in so many ways.

Been reading Hebrews about discipline and how God disciplines his children, and although it’s not pleasant at the time, it produces a crop of righteousness. Lots of good stuff in there:

“Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me’?” (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Colin used this one as the linchpin for the final sermon in his series on contentment. Such a good one, being content with what you have instead of loving money, of which there will never be enough. It also gives us the awesome promise that if we are content with what we have, we will not fear man.

When we master the art of contentment, we can say with confidence that we will not be afraid, because, “What can men do to me anyway?” I would love to be confident in the Lord for salvation, for my eternal position, and have zero fear of man whatsoever. Those would be my dreams.

How great would that be, not being worried about anything anymore. Not being scared in the ICU bed of what would happen if I would die. I felt so alone and scared of leaving everyone in the room and going to eternity all by myself.

Why would I be afraid of that if I am saved by Jesus and know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord? “Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight.

“We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” (2 Corinthians 5:6-10)

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(….to be continued)

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4)

Today Nelson wrestles with the problem of pain. Is there a positive purpose for it?

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October 11, 2022

Annso, Will, and Astrid made it to Germany finally. It sounds like it was an ordeal, but they are on the train right now as I sit at the kitchen table while Mom sleeps in the other room. She’s not an early riser and I’m thankful for that. I like this early time alone.

I’m glad they made it and are able to be there. For me, there is a big vacancy without them here. I see now how much having a family is good for a man, and probably for a woman too.

We like freedom and independence, but we do better and are healthier with a job to do, people to look out for, people who can’t look out for themselves. It’s interesting. We don’t always go for the things that are best for us. In fact, we rarely go after the things that are best for us.

I have terrible back pain these days. I worked on Ralph’s car with him and as I was driving a screw into the fender, something happened in my lower back, a problem area even before I had cancer, but I think something happened or popped.

I have to be careful about stuff like that. I can crack or fracture bones easily, which is new to me. Then it takes 6 weeks for the fracture to heal. It’s a long time and generates persistent pain. I am reading Hebrews and it talks about discipline which is painful, but I’m not really sure if that’s what this is.

Can I say that my whole cancer debacle is the discipline of God? Can we say anything unpleasant that comes our way is the discipline of God? I don’t really know.

In the text, it talks about resisting sin to the point of shedding blood, saying that we have not resisted to that point. But is fighting cancer resisting sin? I suppose you could make an argument that it is. There is always the temptation to run from it, to disown God and give up. There is always the temptation toward self-pity, “Why me?” and all that. I suppose that is all sin.

I am resisting that stuff most of the time, “… looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross…” (Hebrews 12:2)

“In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (12:4-6)

“God disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (12:8-11)

So can I apply this to the pain I feel in my back right now? Is this the discipline of God? It’s not really a struggle against the persecution of sinners. But it can be the temptation to sin in certain ways.

Can I look at it that God is refining me? Were the things that happened to Job discipline? Or were they just something else he was asked to endure? Is it over-spiritualizing to think of physical pain as the discipline of God? Is it proper to think of anything hard as the discipline of God? Or do we need to translate it more directly, that it has to be opposition from sinners like Jesus dealt with? Who knows.

If that’s the case, then is it cowardly to take pain medication? lol. So many theoretical questions to get the waters all muddied up with. Oh well, I’m sure there is a lesson to learn somewhere in all this anyway.

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness…”

Seems like it.

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“Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord.” (Psalm 94:12)