With Ann Sophie in Germany now, Nelson is overcome by how much he misses her and how much he loves her.

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October 10, 2022

6 pm

Well, we got Mom a parking pass so she doesn’t have to worry about her car being towed. I just took my Tafinlar chemo pill right on schedule. I’m here with Mom now, and Annso, Astrid, and baby Will are off to Germany. I’m struck with how much I miss them, mostly Annso of course.

I really don’t know what I would do without her. She’s the world to me. She provides me with so much without even knowing it. I can hardly believe the void she fills in my life. I would like to think I rely on Jesus, and I hope I do, Lord, but I have to admit, she’s the person you show your love to me through, the most. I had no idea how much I would miss her until she’s actually gone.

Right now, she just landed in Canada with a 2.5 hour layover and hopefully a United Lounge pass that works for her and her Mom. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have this massive guilt that comes crashing down on me when she leaves like this.

She said she doesn’t want me to feel guilty about what I do or how I fall short and that I am a great husband, but I have such a hard time not feeling it anyway. Thinking about what I could do better or more for her, I could thank her for being the best wife in the whole world. She does so much and has such an undying love for me. I can hardly think I deserve it.

I ask her why she does so much for me, and she just says it’s because she loves me. I can hardly believe that she loves me like she does. Thank you Lord, for Annso and how she loves me. Thank you for her presence and love, for her devotion to me, for her patience. I don’t know what I can do to thank you. You’re so kind.

What would I have done with this cancer without her? What would I be like without her positive, can-do attitude always around me? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That’s all I can say.

My heart is in a flat-out panic right now for some reason. Mom is cleaning and straightening up the house like nobody’s business. I took my last 2 Lorazepam because my anxiety is off the charts. I hope to be able to tone it down a bit. Maybe it’s Morphine withdrawal. I don’t know, but I’ve always been this way to some extent.

I love you, Lord, and I’m so thankful for the life you have given me, the baby boy, the love of my life, my sweet wife and all she is and does. How is it that you have given me such a woman? What did I ever do to deserve her? I didn’t realize it until she’s been gone now, but I’m so grateful.

I pray for the strength to go on doing the right thing and taking good care of myself like she’s asked me to do. I hope to be the best man I can and to honor her in the ways she likes to be honored. My words here are the dribble of a madman at best, but you hold my mind together and give me good gifts beyond anything or anyone I could dream up or dream for. Amen.

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“Love binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14)

Today Nelson wrestles with the definition of a true Christian, gleaning insight from Hebrews 11.

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October 10, 2022

(Continued from yesterday….)

Hebrews 11:13—“These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.”

Here it is again, “strangers and exiles” on earth. This is probably important to grasp at some point. We don’t fit in here, and that’s the norm. If we fit in without much of a difference, then are we really Christians?

Being exiles is the norm. This place is not our home. The home is believed in “by faith”, not by sight. (Verse 23) “By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.”

Here is one that shoots down the idea that we should obey the law of the land no matter what it says, no matter how much it opposes God’s word, and just blindly obey it.

To me, that’s the thing about the cowards not inheriting the kingdom of heaven and going to the second death. Hiding behind that is what the church has done this whole time [during Covid] when the regulations came around about the virus and all that fake garbage.

I’m so thankful we never closed our church the whole time. I would love to get some affirmation for that someday straight from God… “By faith they kept their church open and praised Me, even though the wicked leaders of the day raised themselves up as gods, lying by saying that singing and worship would spread a fake disease. By faith, they faced persecution even from their fellow-church members who were afraid of confrontation and hid to avoid persecution.”

“By Faith…” All real faith is faith in Jesus Christ. I have to keep that in mind. We love Jesus. He is the reason we can have power in weakness, be content in everything, and come to God at all. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

I can hardly believe the life I have now. I have the best woman in the world, I have a son with her. I have a house most likely up here in Rochester, Minnesota. I have Cancer. It was stage 4 when they found it. I’m not sure if it can go back to stage 3 or other lower stages, or if once you get to 4, there’s no going back.

Either way, it was a death sentence, and now it seems I might get another chance. The grave sure reached up and tried to take me. I’ve had that before but not that I realized, until it was over. A scrape with death.

It’s actually quite scary. People say I was afraid because it’s not my time to go yet. A person in their 80’s is at the end of their life either way, so they are ready. I’m in my 40’s, so it doesn’t make sense for me to die. I suppose there is truth to that.

The fear of death is a funny thing. I don’t know who wouldn’t be afraid of it, at least a little. You do it alone with Jesus. It’s the biggest act of faith there is, probably. You go out without anything you can see. The only thing you take with you is your faith. If you have no faith, you have nothing beyond what’s here, and we can all see plainly that no one takes anything with them.

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“We walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)

A major shift takes place today as Ann Sophie, Astrid, and Will board a plane for Germany. Sadly, Ann Sophie’s grandmother passed away one day before they got there, but at least they would be on hand for the funeral and during the times when extended family were gathered.

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October 10, 2022

Today, Mom and I drop Annso, Will, and Astrid off at the Minneapolis airport to head over to Germany. Ten days on the road, basically. Astrid’s Mother died yesterday as my Mom showed up here to help make sure I’m ok while Annso is gone.

I’m sure I’ll be fine, but it’s a lot of pills, and there have been a handful of problems over the months since I’ve been sick, so it’s no wonder Annso is worried. Besides, it would be lonely here by myself. I’d try to get Ken to come down or maybe a couple others at some point. Anyway, Mother-Son time. It doesn’t happen much anymore.

Lord, I pray for safe travel, of course, but more, for Will to cooperate and for them to get good seats. Annso deserves to have a blessed flight. I pray she can even watch movies and sleep a good bit, too.

Thank you that Mom is willing to come here to Minnesota and be with me for these 10 days. Thank you that I have this early morning before this big day to get up and pray. I pray that our big deposit for the closing, moving money from Hawaii to Bank of America, would go through without a problem, even though I am depositing it into the ATM after we drop the gals at the airport.

I’m so grateful for how it’s been going with the house so far, how everything has been falling into place. “By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.” (Hebrews 11:3)

Important to keep in mind that the whole Christian life runs on faith. Faith, hope, and love, but the greatest is love. This chapter [Hebrews 11] is about faith.

I suppose the reason faith is not the biggest is because it disappears at some point. We no longer need it when we’re looking at Jesus Christ himself. I pray for a greater revelation of you, Lord Jesus. I have trouble picturing you, envisioning you, loving you, and having any emotion come from those thoughts. I know my heart is hard, but I want you to soften it, but please be nice. Amen.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6)

This one is comforting. I sure do believe in you, Lord. I pray for all of us who would call ourselves Christians to have a deep faith in you, that we would spend the time meditating on you, your character, and your promises.

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“Let the… meditation of my heart by acceptable in your sight, O Lord…” (Psalm 19:14)