In this journal entry, Nelson wishes for another 30 years of earthly life. It’s difficult to read, because we know he only got another 30 days or so. He brings up his rebellious past with gratitude that God spared his life during those “wild” days to come to the joys of a life submitted to Christ, a happy marriage, and the wonder of fatherhood. But….

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November 20, 2022

It’s about 13 degrees out today, so I guess leaving Kona, we got what we wanted in the weather. Fall went by in a flash, and now winter is here, and it’s only November 20. Probably get a little more Indian Summer, but nothing above 40.

The heat works good in this house, even though it’s the old, water kind. The place is cozy, and we like it. The only problem is fitting Will in with the sleeping arrangement, so it works. Having a baby is a challenge if he’s not sleeping, which, for the moment, he’s not doing too well at.

Lord, thank you for our new place. I pray for wisdom on how to set it up, where to put Will. Should we build a wall, stick with the sunroom, or what? I pray for God-given ideas and a way that works long-term.

Thank you that we have the baby and the house. These were 2 things we were praying for, and now we have them. You are a prayer-hearing, prayer-answering God. Amen.

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Struggling hard-style here, Lord. I feel horrible. Pretty much determined that going to Michigan for Thanksgiving [with extended family] is not worth the trouble. If I were healthy, I’d do it, but feeling like I do, Lord, I think we’ll skip it this time.

I pray you would ease up on the pain from these symptoms. The Morphine provides some relief, but that’s only a couple times per day. Mostly I have intense back pain and am battling fevers with Tylenol. For now, they are working. Then I thought…

“To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (Psalm 77:10-12)

Lord, you have done it before. You can do it again. Only this time the stakes are higher. I suppose I bank on you helping me through this one. Otherwise why did you help me not get my head knocked off in Texas by the train when I was 18?

Why wasn’t I killed in that Jeep wreck in 1992? Why didn’t I die in all those rides when I drove drunk in a total blackout, only to remember bits and pieces of going through 15 mph tolls at 75 mph and having those memories verified by others?

What about driving drunk on a motorcycle countless time en route back from Sycamore Speedway? Why did you save me all those times, only to let this one snuff me out? In my thinking, if you wanted to do it, those would have fit much better.

Now I have a wonderful wife and little boy who will both suffer more if I am no longer around. Please save my life for their sake, so I can raise Will and be a partner for Annso, which I committed to do. I made the vow before you God, so please let me finish it.

I know there’s the “til death do us part” thing, but let’s make death a long way off, even another 30 years, so I can be with them. The story you are writing, Lord, is so fitting if I were to live a long and fruitful life, even if it’s this life, which is nothing like we would have planned it.

You are sovereign and all-knowing, so your ways are higher than mine, but please answer my prayers, Lord. Please grant my request for their sake.

If I were single, I could make peace with it and lay down in a couple years or even less if you gave me no choice. But this way, I have to fight until the end no matter what. I won’t make peace with it unless there is absolutely no other way and you take the choice from me.

Let me glorify your name through my life and the miracles you are doing on a daily basis. David appealed to the years when you favored him, and I do the same. I look back and see the times I could have died, and this is now one of them. Even though it’s different, I ask the outcome to be the same. Amen.

In response to me asking Annso what she wanted out of life before we were even married, she said:

“There is really only one thing I want in life before I die. And that’s simple– Life with you and have a family together. Grow old with you, see our kids grow up and live every day together, share everything and make memories together.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Lord, please let her request come true. It’s a simple one, and you can do it despite the opposition and the demonic claim on my life to destroy me before the appointed time, but you made and set the times.

Nothing can separate me from your love or your plan. May we see it unfold and go on despite the fight. It’s so complicated…. the doctors, the diagnosis, the medical facts, but all that aside, you can do this and help me overcome and LIVE!

Like the song says, “Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning til the break of day.” Amen again.

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I’m sitting in our kitchen in our new place at 7pm. Annso is doing the night-time routine, and I’m cleaning up, which is mine. We are trying to figure out where Will can sleep, but our house is shaped so weird, it’s hard to hear him in the room we have in the front of our house.

It’s also cold in that room, and I worry about the heater we have in that room. I don’t want a fuse to blow and it to suddenly become 20 degrees in there, which it can. Please show me a way to set this up so it works.

We are right at the front of winter, and I know there is a way for us to do this so Annso and I can sleep together in the same bed and Will can sleep in his own room and we can hear him when he wakes up. Another simple thing for you, Lord. Just give the idea and I’ll do it.

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“The mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace…” ( Romans 8:6)

Here are three short journal entries from mid-November, as Nelson feels the intense consequences of taking double-doses of the powerful chemotherapy drugs. He’s wondering, how much can one body take?

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November 18, 2022

Spent the first couple nights at our new place. It’s been an adjustment with [all of us] sleeping in the same room for now, while we get Will’s room all ship shape for him.

We talk about Thanksgiving and going down to Michigan. Annso would have a major part of the work with Will.

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“We are given no signs from God; no prophets are left, and none of us knows how long this will be.” (Psalm 74:9)

That’s what it feels like these days sometimes. It also feels like God is preparing a table before us in the presence of our enemies. He got us this house, even with my finances the way they are, and my dream has become a reality, which is hard for me to believe.

With the Cancer, no one knows, including the doctors, how long any of this will go on or what will end it. That’s when the verse in Psalm 74 rings true, and I cry out along those lines.

At other times, when I don’t have that much physical pain, I can see things more optimistically with a grateful heart. And I can praise God for what he is doing, even among all this chaos, and it really does seem like he is preparing something good for me.

The enemy watches in anger, but there’s nothing he can do as long as I keep on fighting and leaning into God as hard as I know how.

November 19, 2022

Just finished puking my guts out here at our new place. We moved in Wednesday, and it’s Saturday night. It’s been great getting settled, but we’re further from Ralph and Astrid, which is hard for Annso.

I am praying this isn’t the beginning of a hard stretch but that it’s the end of a long hard stretch, and that we can feel the relief of God’s hand taking off the pressure for once.

November 21, 2022

Woke up quick this morning. Slept till almost 8 am, which is late for me. Spent much of the night up battling the new chemo drug quantity. I am taking twice what I was before, so that’s been a big challenge. And it keeps getting bigger, apparently.

Been taking breakthrough Morphine to get through this, along with Tylenol for the fevers and Ibuprofen for the body aches. This Cancer medication is a whopper. I don’t know what it does to a person, but I think it really takes your body on a wild ride.

It’s like a blanket of darkness is on you while you take it. You have so many issues, but no real reason for them, just fevers, joint pain, total debilitating fatigue, and lack of interest in anything other than just staying warm and trying not to vomit. I’ve even given up on that for the most part.

I don’t care about vomiting, but I don’t want to throw up all these expensive drugs down the toilet, so I try to eat them at the right time.

Just canceled Thanksgiving in Michigan. I couldn’t imagine going down there feeling like I do now. Even the last time, I almost wouldn’t do it again. It was nice to bless Astrid and Ralph with that time, but for me, I could just as easily have skipped it.

Sitting at a large gathering, feeling like I do now, is no fun at all. It’s like someone beat my back with a ball bat and I got a gnarly flu at the same time. I just want to crawl in a hole and be away from everyone. And I don’t know what to do to keep Annso in good shape.

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“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (Psalm 77:11-12)

As always, advanced cancer is a mixed bag. Before this entry, Nelson and Ann Sophie have met with the head oncologist, Dr. Mansfield, who doesn’t sugar coat the facts. Nelson appreciates that, and often says, “Give me the whole truth, Doc.” The trouble is, the whole truth often includes bad news.

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November 16, 2022

Today I had a couple scans that yielded mixed results. Basically they are mostly positive. There was one spot that grew, some new growth that wasn’t there last time around, but mostly others either didn’t grow or shrunk.

Dr. Mansfield wants to double the chemo medication dose and attempt to deal with the side effects. He thinks the cancer is changing and adapting to the drugs, and we’ll get one more boost from the current stuff if we double the dose.

Meanwhile, he wants to appeal for this other set of drugs that’s been approved for Melanoma but not for what I have. He says it will work just as good, and the cancer doesn’t “know it” yet. Also, he thinks I’ll tolerate those drugs better.

The insurance company will reject his appeal a few times, but he thinks they’ll go for it after a round of ‘back-and-forth,’ which he estimates will take a month or 2. He said he expects most of these genetic match drugs to “plateau” after a while and lose their potency. That’s when you go with your plan B.

I’m glad he has a plan B. We can pray I can stand whatever side effects come with the increased dose, which will start tomorrow morning.

I have also had a fracture in a vertebrae, which has caused me tremendous pain in the past month. It’s been better over the past week, but I have to take it easier with lifting or any physical pressure, because other “breaks” can happen just as easy, even though the healed bones are stronger. There is still a systemic weakness in my bones wherever the cancer has eaten into previously.

After the meeting, I was a little down thinking, “How long will this go on? Is this my new norm, being sick pretty much all the time for years and years? Can I handle that? How hard will this be on my family?”

It’s easy to let thoughts come in that are discouraging… that focus on the hard parts without giving the high points any ground. I am making a point of focusing on, and being thankful for, the periods I do feel good, trying not to get out ahead too far into the future. I’m thankful for the prayers and dedication to us during this difficult time.

We are also moving tomorrow, so I hope to have the energy for that, without doing too much.

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“Lord…be my rock of refuge, to whom I can continually go.” (Psalm 71:3)