In this entry Nelson writes about feeling like a prisoner without any chance of being set free. But God’s opinion of captives encourages to him.

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November 15, 2022

Today I have some scans to show where I am with the chemo progress. Hard to even write that, and believe it. Who has chemo? Me? What? It’s hard to believe it’s happening to me.

All these aches and pains I have all the time, at least a dozen pills I take every day, how often I go to the doc when I used to go next to never. Hanging on for dear life and instead of confidence and strength, I have uncertainty and total reliance on God, but that’s probably better than whatever it was I had before.

We have to have all our stuff moved out of our apartment tomorrow and all the construction done today. It’s a lot of painting and laying a couple laminate floors, which is the thing I didn’t really want to do, but due to time constraints, we do it this way.

I think it will prove to be the best way in the long run. I figure we won’t sell this place unless someone comes and gives us an offer, so what does it matter as long as it looks good and functions properly for the most part?

“As for me, afflicted and in pain—may your salvation, God, protect me. I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hooves. The poor will see and be glad—you who seek God, may your hearts live! The Lord hears the needy and does not despise his captive people.” (Psalm 69:29-33)

I would say I feel like a captive person. I am in a prison of sickness. I would love to get out and would pretty much do anything to get out, but I’m stuck here.

I pray and so do many others, but I’m still a captive so far. I think of a friend who is in prison in another country, and the churches are praying he gets released. I feel like that guy.

We are begging God to get me out of here, but so far, there are shadows of hope here and there, but nothing total, nothing complete. But these verses tell us that we are heard by God and that he doesn’t despise his captive people.

God reaches out to his people who are held captive. Lots of things can hold people captive. Addictions, prisons, jails, disease, pretty much anything that you’re locked into and can’t get out of. God is with the prisoners.

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“The oppressed will be set free.” (Luke 4:18)

Nelson has accepted the hard fact that he can’t physically work hard on the house they’re about to move into but has to let others do it for him. It’s a humbling that doesn’t come easy.

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November 12, 2022

Thank you Lord for the first little accumulation of snow this morning when I opened up the shutters.

Thankful for the progress on the house, for the helpers that come from everywhere to lend a hand to us.

I’m thankful I was able to put that lung catheter placement behind me yesterday. Thank you that it went well and everything panned out.

November 14, 2022

Got the big scans tomorrow, which will show where we’re at with the chemo, and tell us if the cancer is still responding well to the treatment or not. There’s this weird swelling in my ankles and wrists that seems to be new.

Annso is worried about it and rightfully so. I just look at it like, “If God wants me to live, I’ll live through all these little trials along the way, and if not, I won’t. No amount of my trying to change anything will change the outcome.”

I honestly think I’ll live through it, but I don’t know how long ultimately I’ll last, just that I’ll be around for a while longer. Would he really bring me this far and do all this just to have me die now?

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We closed on the house that we’re moving into the day after tomorrow, been fixing it up a little bit. It needs a lot, but we set the line and go only that far. It’s hard for me to work on it only about 30 minutes a day and let the other guys do it all, but it’s the way it is for me.

God is teaching me to lay back and let it all go, just to do what I can. And the “what I can” part for me on this one is to get the house itself, and that I did. But the moving, the painting, hammering and drilling, the stuff I really like to do, others are doing—because I can’t do that stuff for more than a few minutes without getting totally winded and lightheaded.

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“Keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” (Romans 12:11)

Nelson doesn’t doubt that eventually God will bring him to a good place of blessing. The question is, when? Will it be on the earth or not till heaven?

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November 11, 2022

“You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.” (Psalm 65:11-12)

This talks about God “letting people ride over our heads” the same way God might have “let” cancer ride over me. God lets things happen, but then brings us into a spacious or good place, a place of abundance.

God is in favor of the crucible. He’s in favor of the testing and trials that refine us for his glory. Then after it’s all over, he brings us out into a good place. It makes sense, and it doesn’t, all at the same time.

Of course he wants his children to be better people. Of course we want it the easy way, but would we repent? Would we become better if things always went our way? Sorry to say, I don’t think so.

Thank you, Lord, for the trials, even though I wouldn’t have chosen this. Maybe somewhere back in time, I prayed for this to happen. Maybe I prayed I would be closer to you, Lord and this is the way it’s shaking out. I don’t know.

Maybe it’s discipline. I think of Ken who was just diagnosed with Colon Cancer. He told me last night. He’s been given a couple years tops, 7-9 months if he forgoes the chemo route. He was devastated, of course.

It’s a tough one to get that news all at once. He told me over and over that it came Halloween night. I pray, Lord, that you would help him absorb the news and that he wouldn’t suffer as much as I have.

I pray you would give him wisdom to know if he should get the treatment or not. It didn’t sound like it at first, but I’m sure with the pressure of his family, he might opt to do it.

I thought I was alone and even wrote about it in the blog the other day, that there are lots of people praying and giving their love, but none of them has cancer with me. They all go home feeling good, making plans for the future. But not me… and now not Ken. We are in our own boat.

Thank you Lord that I have someone to go through this with. Not that I wouldn’t change it for Ken and make him healthy again. He was beating himself up for not getting checked out earlier. Join the club.

C.S.Lewis said that friendship comes when you find another person and after talking a bit, you say, “Oh yeah? I have that too!” You find that camaraderie about a book, an issue, a struggle, or whatever other common ground you stand on together.

Ken sat on my porch the other day, and he told me that he had said, “It could happen to me just as easy.” And my response was, “Well, then we’ll be in this together.” I don’t recall saying that, but I probably did. And now it’s true. We are in this together.

We don’t have the same thing, but now that we have cancer, we never get rid of it. We just fight it. It becomes a full time job. Hard to get your mind around that at first, but your regular job tends to fade away as the sacrifices you have to make for the fight become greater and more time-consuming, not to mention your energy level tanking out. Then you start chemo, and the sickness really starts.

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We are buying stuff like crazy for our new place. We replaced a couple floors, the toilet, the bathroom vanity, and have done tons of painting. The church has answered in strength and has come over day after day with next week’s deadline for the move-in.

So cool how they are helping the way they are. We have been so blessed by them, and we’ve only been going there a couple months. It’s a picture of the body of Christ and how it should operate.

I got the right catheter reinstalled this afternoon in my right lung. That will solve the problem of having fluid there all the time so I can’t breathe. I’m excited to be able to solve that ourselves instead of having to go in to the clinic every time. Thank you, Lord, for rallying all these people around us and for the miracle of our little house.

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“Give thanks to the Lord… for his wonders to the sons of men.” (Psalm 107:21)