This entry is difficult to post, and you’ll see why. But skipping it would be dishonest. Our desire is to learn from Nelson’s thoughts about how to go through one of life’s crucibles while remaining true to our Lord. His writing today is thought provoking.

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October 31, 2022

It’s hard to believe how long a night can seem. Last night, I came out to sleep on the floor by the fish tank to get a change of scenery, and Annso joined me. After that, it was like a camping trip.

We were up talking, doing all sorts of stuff besides actually sleeping. And that lasted until about 3:30 am, until we moved back into the bedroom. And I lasted in there with intense sweating until a few minutes ago.

I just took my chemo pill at 6 am. Then the baby boy woke up at 7 am. Annso just told me it was the first time she saw him since 11 pm, which is tremendous.

That’s solid, all the way through the night. Pretty amazing and really nice. At least someone is sleeping through the night. I wonder if that’s the reason, if those pills are the reason I am up and have sweats all night long. Then it’s fine. As long as the results are what they have been so far, I’ll deal with it.

Dr. Mansfield keeps his eye on the ball really well and always on killing the cancer instead of being too much about treatment of the side effects. I’m thankful for that.

I have to tell myself that eventually I will be cancer-free! I really do believe there will be a day when I can say that. I think based on the prayer and things we’ve received so far, it’s more of “…this sickness will not end in death.” But it will be for God’s glory.

Here’s the set of verses that scared me to death like a warning from God straight to me while I was still drinking and walking in rebellion against God all those years. I’m so thankful he brought me out of that horrible season:

“It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them. Of them the proverbs are true: ‘A dog returns to its vomit,’ and, ‘A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.’ ”(2 Peter 2:21-22)

There were fun moments, but at the end, especially, the fun parts were few and far between. Now even my worst day here is better than my best day there. Of course when you add on the cancer, then everything changes.

The days now are plenty hard, but I’m thankful for the possibility of having them get easier. One way of dealing with the cancer, if you’re trying to answer the “Why me?” question, is to assume that God picked us because he knows we can handle it, and we are being tested and have a witness on others.

These are some of the craziest, hardest, and sometimes even the best days of my life. Things are happening that wouldn’t be possible any other way. Just like Papa said to me about his cancer, “If it just wasn’t for the cancer…”

He said that as he paced the living room at their house in Shorewood. The news was sinking in. Basically he was told he had just days to live, so I have way more than that, because they caught it in time and because I’m at the Mayo clinic. I might not be here otherwise.

I go to the ER about once a month for problems and have tons of chemo side effects pretty much all the time. Fevers, extreme fatigue, nausea, among other things, but the house came through, we have an amazing church, and God shows us his love through those people all the time.

Ralph and Astrid are waiting on us hand and foot. Their life path has changed because ours has. They are probably going to move here at some point next fall and become Americans like Annso will. She is actually becoming a citizen.

Who would have thought any of that would happen? We are raising our little family in the northern town of Rochester…. all of a sudden.

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“His heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.” (Psalm 112:7)

Nelson writes that it’s getting more difficult to sleep at night, with fears crowding in when sleep won’t come. He went to the ER with breathing issues and got an unexpected diagnosis.

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October 30, 2022

Last night was much better than the one before with the vomiting, panic attack and inability to breathe. I am here at the table with the oxygen machine resurrected again. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to get enough air. God, help me with that. It’s the scariest thing.

2 am

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

“Arouse Yourself; why do You sleep, O Lord? Awake, do not reject us forever.” (Psalm 44:23)

As for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you will be buried at a good old age. (Genesis 15:15)

I’ve been thinking about verses for insomnia. I have trouble staying asleep these days. It’s 2 am, and I’m at the kitchen table. Can’t close my eyes without waking back up shortly. I don’t know what the problem is.

I spent the entire Day at the ER, I guess about 10 hours. Lots of testing, and they found I am Covid Positive, so that explains a few things about how I have been feeling.

Fear lives so strongly in these night-time hours. All by yourself you’re making monsters up, and the enemy has a field day with it. Trying to stay in the Word. God helps us if we turn to him.

I pray for relief for this back pain so that I can go back to sleep. Please have mercy on me. I pray for fear to run to you and to your Word.

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“It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.” (Psalm 18:32)

In this entry Nelson describes a brutal panic attack that nearly overwhelmed him. But with help from Ann Sophie and Astrid, they rode it out together, and things calmed.

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October 27, 2022

I’ll take sadness over panic any day. Last night I woke up freezing, couldn’t get warm, took Tylenol, waited for it to kick in, vomited on the floor, started to have a panic about breathing, couldn’t get enough air even with the machine.

Annso was right there the whole time. Astrid came over for support. They are like saints. They cleaned up everything and waited on me until the ordeal was over.

I can’t say enough about Annso. She is like no other person I’ve met. My partner, my best friend, my helper, just amazing. This morning, we are back to keeping things as normal as possible.

Annso and I took a walk with the baby boy, which was great. The fall leaves are all over the place, and this is what we always missed in Hawaii when we were there. Now we live with 4 clear seasons and all that goes with it.

Hawaii seems more like a dream with each passing day… even though we were there for 6 years. We talked about that while we walked through the fall streets here in Rochester.

Even though Hawaii has its enchanting, dream-like feel, we determined that it was good to leave when we did. Annso and I made the most of it while we had the chance. There were a lot of good years there, but God pulled us out, and now here we are. I have total certainty that we are at the right place for this season.

We have a great church, we bought a house yesterday. We are doing everything we can to plug in here, just like we did in Hawaii for the time we were there. No one knows how long this season will last, but it’s best not to have one foot out the door, or you don’t really get anywhere while you’re there.

It’s hard to believe we pulled out of Hawaii as fast as we did, then sold everything off from a distance. Whether we go back at some point remains to be seen, but for now, no plans in that way.

“Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

“Therefore my heart is glad, and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalm 16:5-11)  

That’s the passage from Mom. She said she’ll be praying it over me all day today. I’m so grateful for the prayers of all these people. I hope they don’t forget me, but I don’t think they will.

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“I will pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.” (Malachi 3:10b)