Today Nelson is grappling with intense pain, trying to make sense of his situation.

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October 26, 2022

Woke up while it’s still dark. My back hurts so bad. It’s amazing how many little pain things this cancer comes up with, one after another. Every day it seems I have something else.

It’s times like these I struggle not to wonder why this happened to us. All of a sudden, the powers that be decided this is for us. What about everyone else? Why do so many people walk around all healthy and we have this? I don’t know.

I don’t know if this will go on for years or what will happen in the end. God, when will you let up on this? When will this stop so we can live again? We have been given so much, but you have taken so much away, too.

“Hear my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping. I dwell with you as a foreigner, a stranger, as all my ancestors were. Look away from me, that I may enjoy life again before I depart and am no more.” (Psalm 39:12-13)

“Look away from me.” I like the way that’s spelled out so plainly. You have given me so much: Annso, Will, our house, money, and you are so good to us on the one hand. But on the other, I wake every morning with pain in some part of my body.

You remind me that I’m not healthy. You remind me that anytime, I could die from this. There is nothing to do but just to press on. Mom said that God is partnered with me to somehow bear the weight of the cancer. I think that’s true.

I shouldn’t ask, “Why me?” I know, and it’s not usually more than a thought that comes and goes. The temptation to think it over and over is all it is. “This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)

We closed on our house today! It’s a dream come true for me, even though it was one of the hardest days, health-wise, that I have had in a while. My back hurts so bad, I can barely stand it. I lay on the ground for an hour at a time trying to take the pressure off.

Who knows why it’s like this. Maybe another fracture, maybe something we will never know, like the thing that happened to my neck a couple months ago. I pray Lord, that you carry me through this, even though so often it feels like it will kill me eventually.

Please let me live to take care of Annso and Will as a husband and father. She is basically raising him alone, even though I’m here. I can hardly help at all. She doesn’t hold it against me, though. Her folks are here, which is a big help. Thank you for them.

Physical pain is a monster. People who have had chronic pain know what I mean. I used to take my health for granted, as if it were owed to me, as if I was entitled to X number of years before things went downhill.

We all know we’ll die at some point. We just don’t know when. We have all been sick for a while, but the me in days-gone-by used to get better. Honestly, I probably had illness or sickness stop me from work or school only about 2 days every 5 years… and I went to the doctor even less than that.

I’m sure there are some scientific or psychological stages a person goes through with illness that goes on and on. Maybe denial, acceptance, then, “Is this really happening to me?” Maybe, “What did I do to deserve this?” Then the wicked thought, “Why not any one of the thousands of people I see walking around ungrateful for their health?” As if they should replace me in this crucible.

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“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.” (Psalm 6:2)

Nelson seems discouraged in this entry, understandingly, but still lands on a reason to be grateful.

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October 25, 2022

Tomorrow we close on our house. I’m so excited, something I never thought would happen… Annso and I, getting a house with some rental units in it like we prayed for. But first, I have a small problem of some kind in my left lung.

I hope it’s nothing super big, but it could be like the sepsis I had before. Fluid hiding an infection. I came home after having it removed and nearly died at the ICU later that same evening.

I pray that you would keep me from getting infected, Lord. I pray that my lungs would be clean and clear of infection and it would be nothing more than a fluid build-up that can be easily drained.

I pray you would give the doc the wisdom he/she needs to make the right choices to get this thing straightened out. Amen.

I’m so thankful for Ann Sophie. She left me a note this morning telling me how glad she is to be married to me and how strong I am. She said she wants to be my support. For me, I don’t know about most men, but that’s what I want more than anything. Having her with me, raising little Will, is the biggest dream come true I’ve ever had.

Sitting here at 5 pm, and my energy level is just sapped. My back hurts so bad, and I have a slight fever. This stuff just never seems to quit. I am hoping for another stint of health and energy while we are in our house for the 2 weeks when we have the apartment and the house at the same time.

What a miracle this is working out like it is. When we got here back here in May, I never would have believed you if you told me we would buy a house when the 6 month lease was up.

It’s amazing how the way you feel dictates so much in life. I can hardly get through the day feeling like this, and Annso, Ralph, and Astrid feel great, eat massive meals, and go on hikes. I can barely muster the strength to walk around a large block, but I’m glad I can even do that.

There’s always the feeling that I have some looming infection or problem and that I’ll get really sick. But for now, it hasn’t happened, and for that, I’m grateful.

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“My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” (Exodus 33:14)

Although Nelson is encouraged by feeling pretty good during these days, a troublesome back pain has shown up today.

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October 22, 2022

I have pretty bad pain in my back, which is concerning, because I’m always a candidate for cancer spreading out to my bones. It’s happened before. It’s sobering for sure, because you are pretty much falling apart. I remember going into the ER with that, and the doc looked at me with horror and asked if I knew how bad it was.

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” (1 Peter 4:12)

I think this is talking about being persecuted for the gospel, not having what I have, but it sure rings true. It sure feels like a test of some kind. I feel better than I have in a while, but this morning, something is clearly wrong with my back in a big way. I don’t want to stretch it or anything, because what if it pops and something breaks?

October 24, 2022

Monday before the closing. I hope it goes through. I can’t see why it wouldn’t. It will be a new experience for us though, that’s for sure. Lots of hoops to jump through the way it looks, but we can do it if others are. That’s the way I look at it.

I hope this buy is a good thing and not too much of a hassle. It also amounts to us moving [from the apartment building], which is pretty cool. We will be right by the clinic downtown, which I like. I can work on lots of stuff over the long winter here. That’s what Luke was saying. I’m sure I can occupy myself with the flooring and stuff.

Been transferring money to the BA account so I can get a cashier’s check today for the amount to close the house Wednesday. Lots of little snags, but overall, I think God will do it for us. I’m excited.

My left lung has stopped draining, and I think there is a clog somewhere. It would be nice if the fluid stopped coming and that there would be no more, but it doesn’t seem likely.

We are going to try and get that going today and maybe get an appointment with the pulmonary guys to clear it out. That’s pretty much it.

Should be a busy week, but good. It’s a huge help to have Ralph and Astrid here [Ann Sophie’s parents], because they are always willing to take Will for an hour or two so we can walk or just have less pressure.

Thank you, Lord, for helping me get the money together for the closing and having it already wired from the bank. Thank you for everything else that’s come together to make it possible to buy this house without the help of other people. You are the worker of miracles, even in the modern day.

I pray you would heal my body and give the docs wisdom about what’s going on with my lung not draining and the fevers coming back. I pray for continued health as we go through this season of acquiring the house. Amen.

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“God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” (1 Corinthians 14:33)