Category Archives: Widowhood

Accepting Widowhood

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As of today, I’ve been a widow for 2½ years, though it feels like it’s been much longer than that, maybe a decade longer. Most widows agree. That might be because of all the tears cried or maybe just the many radical life changes. It could simply be the fatiguing nature of deep grief. Whatever the reason for feeling like a long-term widow, I can still identify quite a few positives coming out of those same 2½ years.

Widowhood was God’s choice for me in exactly the way and time it came. I can view it as a crisis sent from him or the result of living in a fallen world. Or I can take a completely different approach and see it as the reason I expanded my dependency on the Lord to a depth I would never have known without becoming a widow.

Women with husbands have this same opportunity to lean hard on God day to day, hour to hour, but taking advantage of it isn’t the driving force it is for a widow. When widowhood hits, extreme neediness forces a quest to find a new system of support and guidance.

Some women hold back, mad at God for taking their men. Others try to go on “as always,” but of course that doesn’t work. The Lord patiently stands at-the-ready, waiting with open arms and unlimited resources to step into the increased role we need from him.

If we don’t pull in close to him right away, it’s comforting to know he’ll wait until we’re ready. His offer of kindness, strength, and provision is open-ended, for always. The more desperate we become, the greater his rescue.

I’ll always miss Nate. We met when we were both 21, having officially left childhood behind, and were eager to start adulthood together. My entire adult life was spent in partnership with him, and although we had the usual marital disagreements, I’ll never forget the happiness we shared.

Since widowhood, with God’s steady encouragement and provision, the painful parts of our separation are mostly behind me. I can even think through the details of Nate’s cancer, his last hours, and his funeral without crying, which is exactly what other widows told me would eventually happen.

Although I never would have requested widowhood, as I pass the 2½ year mark, my memories are sweet, and the future, though undefined, is not a threat. I’ve found God’s ears open to my cries and his promises spot-on. And I’m confident that what’s been true of him during these past few years will continue to be true into the distant future.

And part of that future will always be to tell the story of how good he’s been to me.

“The widow who is really in need… puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help.” (1 Timothy 5:5)

Sanctuary Time

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There are many troubled marriages these days, and America’s divorce rate of 50% tells that tale. But the same statistic also shows that 50% of marriages are pretty good.

Most people are over-worked physically and under-nourished emotionally. Marriages suffer in that environment, deprived of the quality time and attention needed to go the distance. Wives and husbands who are committed to making their love last have to work hard to find unpressured time together.

My marriage partner has been gone for 2 years, and for many months I’ve had trouble ending each day. I’ve stayed up past 3:00 or 4:00 AM repeatedly, reluctant to climb the stairs and go to bed. This seems extreme, and I’m not sure of the reason. The short answer is that I don’t like sleeping alone. But that isn’t completely true. Although having two in a bed brings security, comfort, and love, I think there’s something else bothering me.

Married couples who love each other have something special waiting for them at the end of each day. After going separate ways from dawn to dusk chasing different pursuits, they finally put their children to bed, set aside their worries, and meet behind closed doors. The bedroom becomes a type of sanctuary.

There they can talk and listen to each other, commiserate with the stresses of the day, laugh a little, maybe spend time reading side-by-side or share a bowl of popcorn on the bed. Late at night the phone doesn’t ring, the children don’t interrupt (usually), and revitalizing sleep is just around the corner. Both can take a deep breath followed by a long, feel-good sigh. The day is almost over.

And I think that’s my problem. My husband-wife sanctuary time is gone.

Nate’s last couple of years were dominated by back pain that demanded he lie down earlier and earlier, and I stayed up late to manage two high schoolers. But once we knew he had cancer, we immediately reestablished our sanctuary time. He still eased himself onto the bed early, but I climbed in then, too. Despite the house being full of people, Nate and I had those last precious moments of every day to ourselves before he would drift into sleep. And it was then we talked about the challenge at hand: terminal cancer.

But that wasn’t all. We also talked about our past lives, how we met, our marriage, the children, unnumbered blessings, unmet goals, God’s choices for us, and the “what-ifs” of the future, both his and mine. It was a painful time but was also laced with sweet declarations of love and some very potent promises.

I know my current struggle to climb the stairs and end each day will eventually mitigate. Meanwhile, as I put one foot in front of the other, I try to remind myself the Lord goes up the steps with me, offering his love and potent promises along with a willingness to be the other half of the last conversation of every day.

And when dawn arrives and I get to head down the steps again, he goes with me then, too.

“The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 145:13)

Out from under Regret

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Virtually every widow struggles with regret. She’s haunted by the many ways she could have been a better wife and thinks, “I should have… I wish… If only…”

When I think of my own marriage, one thing Nate modeled exceptionally well was his consistency in thanking me. There were other things in his life he struggled to be grateful for, but I wasn’t one of them. If I filled his drawer with clean underwear, he’d find me and let me know how much he appreciated it. If I brought his dry cleaning home, he’d thank me for taking such good care of him. And though I made simple dinners, he never ate one of them without voicing gratitude.

Some wives might have found this over-the-top, but it always felt good to me. My regret is not having done the same for him. I should have daily thanked him for battling it out at work. I could have mentioned his kindness each time he filled my car with gas or willingly picked up our children at odd hours.

Interestingly, I often had thankful thoughts toward Nate but over and over failed to transform those into audible words. In each case, then, the only one benefitting was me.

All of us can recall situations in which we liked what people did, what they said, or what they looked like, but didn’t deliver the compliment or word of appreciation. We thought it, but didn’t speak it out.

The biblical book of James says our tongues can be used for good or evil, to soothe or irritate. There’s a No Man’s Land in the middle, though, that he doesn’t mention, words in our heads that have the power to bless others but never make it to our tongues.

But we’re not left without instruction on this. God sees our wordless thoughts and says, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:10)

He’s saying, “I’m looking for those affirmative thoughts you have toward others and will bless you if you voice them. When you speak goodness over someone else, I classify that as a deed worthy of reward. If you hold it in, you not only haven’t blessed others, you’ve also forfeited a blessing for yourself.”

Since I’ve repeatedly fallen short on this, my response to God’s statement is to admit failure and ask for help. Hopefully he’ll pluck thankful words from my brain and set them on my tongue, moving in with his supernatural controls. Because he is able when I am not, I know it can be done.

And while I’m trying to remember to say good things to others, I can practice by verbalizing words of praise to God.

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.” (James 3:7,8)