Category Archives: Widowhood

Will I be sorry?

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I take the Bible literally, and the verse that says “every knee will bow to the Lord” is, I believe, self-explanatory. God emphasizes it by including it in both the Old and New Testaments.

Even though I’m looking forward to visually connecting with Jesus, a mental picture of the bowing moment gives me pause. I already know what I’ll be thinking: “I wasted so much time on unimportant stuff!”

I wish I could head off that part of it, and maybe I can. The trick is to stop wasting time. If I can accurately define what that is, maybe I can fix things before I get there.

As a child I had to memorize John 15:7 in the King James Version: “If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.” It was a verse full of mystery because of my limited understanding of the word “abide” and also because it said I could ask God for anything and get it!

In studying John 15 during the years since childhood, I’m beginning to understand. Jesus was probably saying, “Becoming close friends with me will be your key to happiness.” He even uses the word “friend” three times (about us!) in the next few verses. And what do good friends like to do? Spend time with each other, talk to each other, love each other.

Over the years I’ve also seen that the asking-and-getting part of that verse is totally dependent on the abiding part. After we become close friends with Jesus, our requests will differ radically from those a child would ask.

If I want to do my personal best when kneeling time comes, I need to work now on my friendship with Jesus by carving out time to be together developing our friendship. That includes listening to the words he’s already said (Scripture) and responding back with my own (prayer).

Thankfully, he “gets” the necessity of human to-do lists. But he also lets us know that abiding in him while going about our business is important. He even says, “Apart from me, you can do nothing.” I think he means “at least nothing important, nothing you’ll be happy about when you’re kneeling in front of me.” We can do plenty of things “apart from him,” things he doesn’t sanction, and most of them will get us in trouble. But to accomplish the high-road stuff, we need to abide in him.

Every day I think about Nate and our radically different life-settings. Has he already experienced the kneeling moment described in Scripture? Or will we all be doing that together at the end of time? More importantly, has he been allowed the inconceivable freedom of moving past the inadequacies of that moment? Has he moved into face-to-face friendship with Jesus, uninhibited by human limitations?

It may be quite a while before I get the answers to all these question marks, but I know I will. In the mean time, my interest is in what will come before those answers: my moment to kneel.

“As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me…” (Romans 14:11 and Isaiah 45:23)

Same facts. Two perspectives.

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Last night when Jack and I took our late-night walk, he threw himself into the fresh snowdrifts with his feet in the air six different times, reveling in the doggie-joy of making snow angels. He made six angels in eight blocks, a lot of happy dancing, even for him.

I hadn’t dressed warmly enough and was counting the steps till we got home. By the time we reached our driveway, I was shivering but did my own happy dance while opening the back door. Jack, however, was disappointed the walk was over and planted himself at the street-end of the driveway as if to say, “I wanna stay out and play!” Same facts. Two perspectives.

I often think of Nate in this regard. Although he trembled when he first heard something serious might be wrong, after accepting the terminal diagnosis, he became peaceful. For me it was just the opposite. When I heard “pancreatic cancer,” I stayed strong and was able to encourage Nate. But after he accepted that he would die, I broke down often, aghast at that prospect. Same facts. Two perspectives.

I have a choice to look at my “destiny” as Nate’s wife from two perspectives, too. I can dwell on the negatives brought by his death, or I can view widowhood as my calling. Depending on which of those two viewfinders I’m looking through, I can either self-talk a poor-me mentality, or count my blessings.

Many widows would reject the idea that widowhood is a calling. We think of a calling as something special like being called to missions, teaching or the pastorate. It hints at unique giftings and fulfillment in using them. People are called to singlehood, marriage, motherhood. But widowhood?

The word widow conjures up thoughts of a black widow spider, along with the words toxic, venomous, lethal. Books and movies with the word widow in their titles are dark comedies or scary dramas. At best we think of widows as lonely, disadvantaged and needy. Can it be a calling?

I believe it is. Because I’ve committed my life to God’s leadership, I regularly ask him to superimpose his plans over mine. I tell him I’m willing to go through whatever he decides is best to teach me what he wants me to learn. I know my earthly life is preparation for my eternal life, and I’m aware of the many rough edges he needs to eliminate to get me ready. If coping with widowhood is his way to accomplish that, then being a widow is what I want.

As extreme as that sounds, it jives with Scripture: “God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I’ve been called according to his purpose, and his purpose for these days is widowhood. But lest I despair, the verse also says God is working for my good, within my widowhood-calling. And when he offers to work in my life in any capacity, I’m for it!

Same facts. Same perspective.

“We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:28,31b)

Poor Job

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Today our ladies Bible study began a new book: Job. The first chapter leaves us breathless watching four of Job’s servants delivering nonstop bad news. In seven verses we learn that this exceedingly wealthy man has lost 11,000 farm animals, all but four of his many employees, and his ten precious children. Later in the story he also loses his health.

Interestingly, as today’s Bible study leader began, she first updated us on the health of two hospitalized men from the congregation. Both were not doing as well as expected, and our group was disappointed by the news.

Part way through our morning, the other pastor arrived to say one of these men had taken a turn for the worse, his family being summoned to say goodbye. We talked of the two wives who were suffering also, and the woman sitting behind me whispered, “It’s too much.” Suddenly we felt the relevance of the Book of Job.

We’re learning that the same calamities Job experienced 3000 years ago still happen today: losses of family, wealth, possessions, business and health.

Why does God let/ask people to suffer? Today our group talked about the reasons in relation to Job. Maybe his relationship with God was strong only because his life was bursting with blessings. Removing those would test him.

Maybe God wanted to increase Job’s trust in him by letting him discover that when you have nothing, you still have God. Maybe he wanted to deepen Job’s faith by allowing Job to show himself how he’d weather a storm. Or maybe Job’s story is simply a teaching example for the rest of us. As we look at his life we think, “Job made it, so I think I can, too.”

Those may be valuable reasons for his suffering back then, but knowing them doesn’t lighten our loads now. When my husband got cancer and died, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But who’s to say my suffering is over?

Our world is broken. The last time it wasn’t “out of order” was in the Garden of Eden. I’ll bet there was no suffering there. Although Adam and Eve were people much like us, until they sinned against God, their lives were without struggle or sorrow. Their world was all “good”. God even said so.

Our world isn’t so good.

I’m steeling myself for what I think we’ll learn from Job, that more suffering is coming for me and all of us. Until we leave this earth as Nate did, through death’s door into a God-created, “good” paradise, we’ll be challenged with losses of family, wealth, possessions, business and health.

The miracle for each of us is that we’re not suffering on a continual basis. Although God allows losses, he also provides periods of non-suffering, times for recuperation and strengthening before the next challenge. I think Job will teach us that when things are going well, life hasn’t “gotten back to normal.” Our real “normal” is to do battle with adversity.

But if Job can make it with his faith in tact, so can we.

“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.” (Job 13:15a)