Category Archives: Widowhood

A Healthy, Happy Husband

Posted on by

As we’ve moved through our last vacation day at Afterglow, I’ve missed my husband. When our family used to travel from home in years past, Nate wasn’t just my spouse. He was my same-age buddy, a pal, someone I could talk to and share with, knowing he’d see things from my same-age perspective.

Today for example, our last chance to pursue Northwoods activities, my vote was to travel 20 minutes into Upper Michigan to revisit the spectacular Bond Falls, but with the complication of baby naps and the guys wanting to fish, there were no takers. But if Nate had been here, he’d have gone with me.

This week of family time has brought several unexpected jolts related to the problem of not having Nate with me as a vacationing peer. Last night as we finished a late dinner, I watched and listened to our adult kids talking, laughing, moving in and out of topics, and suddenly I felt like a fifth wheel. It was a quick flash of, “I’m the odd-man-out here.”

I know the kids weren’t thinking like that, but as I looked around the table, my mental status made a major shift from co-parent to single mom, something that hadn’t occurred to me yet. And it felt awkward. Although the label “single mom” is accurate, it doesn’t dictate I’m now a fifth wheel around my children.

I miss my partner a great deal, especially at our shared vacation place. But would I have wanted him here this past week with piercing back pain, struggling to maintain his composure with crying babies and crazy schedules?

Would Nate have been able to cope with sleeping in a set of bunk beds as I have this week? Would he have been ok with the two young families using the two bigger bedrooms?

Would I have been glad he was with us if he’d had the cancer death sentence hanging over his head and ours?

“No” to all of the above.

The Nate I’ve been missing was the one who stacked all our vacation debris on a makeshift trailer and towed it behind a station wagon for 350 miles each summer. I missed the guy who taught the kids to bait a hook, cast a line, reel in a fish and fry it in a pound of butter. I longed for the man who’d been happy to ride double on a horse with a toddler, triple on a motorcycle with two pre-schoolers and who’d run off the high dive like he was a kid himself.

But that man, that pal, that father… can’t be here.

The bottom line, as always, is that our family scenario worked out this way because God orchestrated it as such. But I trusted him back when Nate was healthy and happy at Afterglow, and I’m trusting him now.

After all, Nate is, indeed, healthy and happy again. He’s just not at Afterglow Lake.

“Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)

Fuel for Racing

Posted on by

It’s a miracle I haven’t run out of gas since Nate died. I didn’t fill my own tank for decades, because he did it for me, which meant he had to have my gas gauge on his mind every day. When it got low, he’d take it to Speedway and top it off.

Nate continued this practice even after we moved to Michigan, despite raw back pain and difficulty sitting. The loving act of filling a wife’s car with gas isn’t listed in the Bible’s love chapter (1 Corinthians 13), but its there, hiding between those verses.

Cars need gas, and I needed Nate to help me get places. In the ten months since he’s been gone, my Highlander’s gas gauge has had occasion to be dangerously close to resting on “E.” Because I’m having to relearn looking at the gauge and thinking about fuel stations, I’ve needed my heavenly Husband’s prompting. Without him, I would have sputtered to a stop on many a shoulder. Because of him, so far, so good.

Although getting used to widowhood means learning new skills and coping with the accompanying breakdowns, another way to look at it is that I’m beginning a new lap but am staying in the same race. Just like a driver who crosses the finish line without an accident, those of us who’ve lost a spouse can stay on the course if we don’t run out of fuel or crash along the way.

Scripture likens all of life to a race, and just because I’ve become a widow doesn’t mean I have to drop out. It simply requires a shift in racing strategy. My pit crew has changed, and I may have to pull over to the side now and then for additional fuel, but as a widow, I’m still in the race.

Several of my widow-friends have actually picked up the pace since their men died, tackling jobs or ministries they couldn’t have managed, had their husbands lived. They didn’t choose this race-strategy; God did. And because of that, he’s the one who fuels their efforts. Their willingness to keep going has resulted in new purpose to their days. They’ve started another lap, so to speak, around life’s race course without getting stuck on a widowhood-detour.

God’s intention for all of us is that we stay in the race all the way to the finish line. Maybe he moves us out of the fast lane, but he never relegates us to the shoulder. I picture him saying, “From your perspective you’ve hit a big speed bump, but don’t consider your life to be over.”

We widows ought never to feel purposeless because we’ve lost our husbands. Just like Nate dependably filled my car’s gas tank, the Lord will faithfully fuel our energy and give us the oomph to accept whatever new challenges he presents. We can take them or leave them; that’s up to us. But like a race car driver, I want to keep moving, stay in the race and cross the finish line… without running out of gas or having any crashes along the way.

“The Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning.” (Job 42:12)

Making the Most of It

Posted on by

I think often about my marriage to Nate. Being distanced from it for nearly ten months now, my thoughts have become somewhat objective. When we’re still in a marriage, the analysis gets blurred by the importance of our own perspective. Now that it’s over for me, of course I have regrets. I’ve had to talk myself out of a host of would-of, could-of and should-of’s, which are part of the tyranny of hindsight.

Because my mate was taken earlier than expected, I’m nervous I didn’t appreciate Nate in full measure. So what can be done about it? For me, nothing. My opportunities to be a good wife to Nate have ended. For those who are still married, however, there is time.

Quite a few blog readers have commented that some of the posts have made them rush to hug their husbands or compliment them. This is thrilling to me! These folks won’t suffer regret. I believe God will honor their efforts with exponentially positive results, and they’ll never be sorry they made the effort.

Other readers have asked, “In your life without Nate, what have you learned so far?” The big answer is that God’s promise in Isaiah 54:5 is an anchor that holds. He’s told me he’ll be my husband and has followed through perfectly.

Secondly, I’ve learned a great deal about marriage since having had mine removed. Every husband and wife would do well to think about what life would be like if their spouse disappeared. It might make for interesting restaurant conversation. How would life change? If there were no more opportunities to say anything or do anything for their partner, how would each feel about what’s been said and done so far?

All of us are good at taking people for granted. We say, “Putting him on a pedestal isn’t necessary. He’s not worthy of that.”  Instead, we wives are persistent about trying to modify our men. “Yes, they’re good guys, but they can always use a few more suggestions.” Sadly, that comes across as criticism, and none of us like that, especially at home.

A husband and wife ought to be each other’s #1 fan, surrendering nit-picking in favor of cheerleading. I didn’t always get this right, so I’m lumping myself in with everyone else. The only difference is that I can’t improve, while others still can.

Every marriage has restless periods when one or the other wishes they were single. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to “stay” in that place, wandering around in past memories of singlehood or wishing for future independence. While “living” in either place, we are setting aside the marriage at hand.

My Widow Warrior pals and I would give anything to have another crack at being good wives to the men we loved who are now gone. And because of that, I’ve taken a chance in this blog, hoping to challenge those of you who are still married to make the most of it. You are blessed!

“Wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.” (1 Timothy 3:11)