Category Archives: Widowhood

Positive or Negative?

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On the floorI’ve been spending lots of time on the floor lately, since much of Emerald’s world is down there. Walking past her without dipping into her play-zone for a minute is nearly impossible, which is how I end up on the floor.

Today my eyes fell on a piece of white paper sticking out of a book on the low shelf behind her. Pulling it out, I recognized it as a list of Nate’s positive character qualities. I’d written it toward the end of the summer of 2009, shortly before we learned of his deadly cancer.

I can’t recall what prompted me to make the list, though I’d written similar ones at other times, wanting to appreciate my husband in fresh ways. But the interesting thing about this list was that the right hand side of the page had been torn off, and I couldn’t remember why.

Had there been a few negative characteristics written on that side? Had I felt guilty afterwards, removing that part?

Character traitsUnable to remember, I wondered what possibly could have been the value of writing down a loved one’s negatives? The only reason I can think of is to prove how few negatives there were next to a long list of positives. No matter what had been on that right side, I was glad it was no longer there.

I don’t think I ever showed the list of positives to Nate, but I wish I had. What an opportunity it would have been to build him up and express my love. I can just see us seated at dinner discussing the latest life challenges. Then I could have said, “I want to show you something.”

While his mind was still spinning with unnumbered stresses, I could have pulled out my “Positives” list and said, “This is a description of how I see you, and no matter what happens, this is how I’ll always see you.” I can picture him studying the list, surprised and delighted, after which his spirits would have been lifted and his courage strengthened.

Dad used to quote a poem about expressing verbal appreciation to the ones we love:

If you’ve anything good to say of a man,
Don’t wait till he’s laid to rest.
For an epitaph spoken when hearts are broken
Is an empty thing at best.

Today, since I can’t give the list to Nate, I gave it to the Lord, thanking him for how Nate’s positive character qualities blessed me every single day. After that, I put it back into the book on the floor-level shelf, to find again another day.

“May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation — the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ — for this will bring much glory and praise to God.” (Philippians 1:11)

Happy Memories (Conclusion)

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In John's carIn yesterday’s post I left you sitting in the back seat of our wedding getaway car listening to Nate’s surprise over the well-appointed gas station bathroom. We had changed out of our wedding clothes so as not to be conspicuous in the airport and were ready to focus on the task at hand: ditching the posse chasing us with a desire to punctuate our wedding night with pranks.

Our driver, John, headed for O’Hare with a line of cars hot on our trail and pulled up to the departure curb seconds ahead of them. Nate and I grabbed hands and bolted from the car into the crowded airport, hoping those in pursuit wouldn’t find out we weren’t actually flying anywhere.

Zig-zagging through mobs of travelers that Thanksgiving weekend, we darted into a gift shop and crouched behind a long display case, ignoring the stares of shoppers. Never mind that the case was glass on all 4 sides; it was the best we could do. It worked like a charm, though, because through the glass we got a glimpse of our pursuers running by, heading for the nearest gates. (No TSA to stop them in 1969.)

As soon as they passed our hiding place, we darted from the gift shop and ran back toward the street, crossing our fingers that John would just be completing his drive around the airport loop as we got there. Ideally we hoped to jump into his still-moving vehicle before our parade of pursuers saw us.

*               *               *               *               *               *               *               *

This memory of our post-wedding chase put a smile on my face last weekend as Nate’s and my anniversary date passed without him, once again. On our wedding day we were both 24 years old, and all was right with the world. Yet even during our romp through the airport, we were half-giggling and half-fearing. If our pursuers found us, would they really stick like glue all night? Might our marriage get off to a rocky start  because of whatever pranks they would pull?

That same conflict of feelings, giggling while fearing, reoccurred more than once in our 40 years together, not during any chase scenes but in everyday life. When threatening circumstances appeared, we tried to:

  • laugh, though nervous
  • smile, though anxious
  • giggle, though fearful

Actually, beneath those cheery exteriors, we might have been downright terrified, and God never wanted that. He wants all of us genuinely laughing, smiling, and giggling while letting him handle our nervousness, anxiety, and fear. But since our nature is to nurture the negatives and play down the positives, it takes willful determination on our part to follow his directive. When we do, though, our lives will be characterized by lots of joy.

The DrakeAs for Nate and I, all that nervousness was for naught. John was waiting at the airport curb, our pranksters never found us, and we giggled (without fear) all the way back to The Drake, where we had a short but very sweet honeymoon.

“Anxiety weighs down the heart.” (Proverbs 12:25)

Our God of Grief

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Scripture includes an interesting (and somewhat disturbing) verse I’ve always wondered about: “Though [the Lord] brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.”  (Lamentations 3:32)

Most of us think of God as a grief-healer, not a grief-bringer. People have said to me, “The heartaches you’re experiencing have all filtered through God’s loving fingers.”

GrievingI can’t say those words have ever brought comfort, though they have spoken the truth. But that verse from Lamentations goes one step further than admitting our grieving comes to us filtered through God’s hands. It says that he sometimes brings it.

This is tough to swallow. Why would God do that? Why would he initiate grief?

Maybe the answer is in the second half of the verse where it says he shows compassion and has unfailing love toward us. The experience of grief feels more like being set out in the cold than being covered with compassion, but maybe God’s version of compassion somehow includes grief.

In the deepest part of my grieving for Nate, the tears and deep sobs that came out of me that first dark winter were, in a way, a strange kind of relief from the constant heartache. I’ve said many times in these blog posts that Nate never told me not to cry, because he believed each new cry let some of the sadness out.

I’ve heard the same thing from others since then, and I firmly believe it. During my first winter without Nate, I’d walk Jack around the neighborhood late at night and bawl almost uncontrollably. And 40 minutes later as we walked back into the house, me with mascara running and eyes swollen, I felt slightly better.

Maybe the Lamentations verse is trying to teach us that the whole process of grieving is God’s pressure valve for our hearts. Without experiencing the heartache, tears, sobbing, and moaning, we’d be so bottled up inside we’d practically burst. And thus the “unfailing love” part makes sense.

We get additional clues in the next verse: “[The Lord] does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.” The NIV says he doesn’t “willingly bring grief to anyone.” In other words, God wasn’t the one who willingly brought death, injury, disease, and dysfunction of all kinds into our world.

His original desire was that nothing about our lives would cause grief. But then sin entered, and all of the above grief-causers came with it. He needed a way to help us through, and the grieving process as we know it, is it.

I don’t think there’s any other way to interpret those two verses, because I truly believe God when he says he loves with unfailing love.

“Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God.” (Isa. 50:10)