Category Archives: Widowhood

Life – Ongoing

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One thing about us widows is that we stick together, and the question all new widows ask each other is, “How long before I feel better?”

Meanwhile, life keeps happening, and a widow’s first hurdle is to accept the shock that when her husband died, the rest of the world kept going. Such a discovery makes her feel isolated, but the fact that life goes on can also be a motivator, preventing her from believing that there’s nothing more to live for.

Prints from Nicholas

One month before my husband Nate and I heard the words “pancreatic cancer,” we had our annual double-birthday party. By then we were grandparents to 18 month old Skylar and 7 month old Nicholas. Since both lived far from our Michigan home (Florida and England), it was wonderful to receive birthday greetings and photographs from both that year.

Prints from Nicholas.

Nicholas’ parents had made ceramic mugs for Nate and I with his baby handprints and footprints on them. This grandchild is 4 years old now, and when he was last here at Christmas time, I showed him the mugs. He matched his much larger hand to his baby handprint and enjoyed seeing how much he’d grown.

As I continue to use those two mugs, I can’t help but think how much has happened since Nate left us. And of course there’s more “happenings” to come. Klaus reminded me today that his fiancée Brooke never met her future father-in-law, since she came into Klaus’ life a few weeks after Nate died.

Klaus and Brooke.

But what he said immediately after that warmed me. “After all I’ve told her about Papa, she feels like she knows him.” Because Nate was important to Klaus, he frequently and freely talks about him. And because he’s been important to Klaus, he’s becoming important to Brooke.

Our loved ones may die, but as life moves away from their death dates, the influence they’ve had on other people hasn’t died. Sometimes it’s even expanded.

I love talking about Nate and the experiences I’ve had with him, and as I thought about this, I asked myself if I do as well talking about Jesus and the experiences I’ve had with him. Are the people around me, especially those who haven’t met him personally, coming to know him through my steady references to him? Do they “feel like they know him” as Brooke feels about Nate?

Life is moving forward. Birthdays are accumulating. Small hands and feet are growing bigger. Some people are dying while others are being born. But Jesus stays the same through every change and has promised to stick with widows (and anyone else who so desires) as they go through them. He’s just hoping those of us who already know him will faithfully make him known.

The Apostle Paul said, “I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me — the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)

Christmas Gifts from Nate

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Nate’s been gone for 3 years. Elements of grieving linger in our family, and we all think about him daily, sometimes hourly. Once in a while I still have a minute-to-minute day when he’s in my thoughts constantly.

The holidays when we’re all together except him can trigger renewed grief, but this year Nate “appeared” during our family Christmas celebration by putting a gift for each of his children under the Christmas tree. Not directly, of course, but through me.

I’d kept all of Nate’s neckties except those having to do with the holidays. (The Ties That Bind) Those went to his office mates, since they’d loved teasing him every December when he wore a different Christmas tie each day. But the others (60 or so) hung in my closet, a potent reminder that he was gone.

Maybe the sight of them should have cheered me, but during the 3 years since he died, they’ve produced only sadness. So last year I hung them in the back of the closet where I wouldn’t see them at all, which remedied my immediate problem but wasn’t a permanent solution. I contemplated giving them to Good Will, but that didn’t seem right either.

Nate loved ties and had over 100 of them. He enjoyed the selection process each morning and wore them all, even the ones that had dots of salad dressing or other stains. The truth was that I loved his ties, too, each one a mini-friend. I really wanted to keep them “in the family.”

So, at the beginning of this year, I asked God for an idea. What could I do with the ties that would be meaningful to my family without being a sad reminder of Nate’s absence? As always, the Lord had a great idea. He reminded me of a friend of a friend who sews for a living. Could she do something with Nate’s ties that would transform yet preserve them?

After a few emails back and forth, she and I settled on 16” throw-pillows made from the ties, so I mailed them all to her and hoped for the best. When the finished pillow covers arrived in early December, I knew God’s idea had been the perfect solution. Each pillow was unique and beautiful, and the ties were no longer unused and sad, hanging in my closet.

As I wrapped the pillows in Christmas paper, I worried our children might feel funny about seeing all those familiar ties cut into pieces, but they loved their pillows and quickly identified their favorite ties.

Our God is utterly faithful in all categories. When he invites us to pray, he intends to answer. And he always, always follows through, even if it’s just with an idea for what to do with a husband’s ties.

“My God will meet all your needs.” (Philippians 4:19)

Making It Through

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When this blog site was established, widowhood was the farthest thing from my thinking. Illness wasn’t on my mind either, nor was radical life change. I just wanted to practice my writing, see if I could meet my own deadlines, and spend extra time with my keyboard.

Now, 3+ years later, I marvel at how this small blog has morphed into a classroom with readers teaching me and each other. As they do their best to get through this, whatever “this” is, they’ve willingly shared wisdom by way of comments and emails to benefit us all.

Because my own getting through has been my husband’s death and its resulting widowhood, many other widows have joined me in these posts, most of whom have been new acquaintances. Back at the beginning I had no idea that a simple blog could yield new relationships.

Other widows have taught me unique truths, even in the midst of the shock and sadness of their first year alone. As they’ve posted powerful comments, they’ve influenced others, some of whom aren’t widows or even women. Every reader wants to know how to get through, and nothing shows us as well as the story of someone who’s been knocked down but is testifying from an “up” position. We think, “If she can do it, so can I.”

One cyber-friend speaking from an “up” position (despite being a widow for only 6 months) sent a short list detailing what she’d learned. Her insight hit me over the head (in a good way, of course) and is an excellent summary of why anyone struggling to get through something can look to God for rescue. She wrote:

The Lord smiles at 3 things:

  1. when I say, “I give up.”
  2. when the experts say, “There’s no way.”
  3. when his children say, “Yes, we’ll wait.”

These 3 statements speak volumes about God’s character and why we can trust him to successfully get us through whatever is threatening to hold us back. In a practical sense,

  1. when we say, “I give up,” he says, “I’ll take over now.”
  2. when we say, “There’s no way!” he says, “Watch me make one.”
  3. when we say, “I’ll try to be patient,” he says, “I’ll make it worth it.”

Receiving this kind of wisdom from blog readers is a priceless bonus I never expected. And with the above thoughts, I’ve been given 3 things I can do to put a smile on God’s face.

Greater wisdom than that can’t be found anywhere.

“Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who alone does wondrous things.” (Psalm 72:18)