Newlywed Love (#106)

Posted on November 9, 2017 by Margaret

October 7, 1970

Nate continued his industrious studying, and I did my best to help him. The tapping of our typewriter was the music of our evenings. Once in a while, when we both needed a break, we’d call Cathy and John to see if they needed a break, too.

On one of those evenings we invited them over for a quick cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake at 8:30 – but our quick break didn’t end till after midnight.

Nate and I brought up something from our Sunday school class that was Bible-based, which made no sense to either Cathy or John – who had no personal faith in Christ.

When they left, there was a new tension in the air between us. Something had changed, and as Nate and I did the dishes, we tried to figure it out. How could four good friends fail to come together by the end of the evening? We’d been pals since Nate and I had gotten engaged and had never had a break in the relationships.

We wondered if maybe they were unhappy as a married couple. They never said so and seemed to love each other, but John had quit law school and wasn’t working either. Maybe that big shift was taking a toll on them both.

We tried to recall anything we’d discussed over our cake that might have offended. One thing that stood out was when Cathy told us about her professor making a pass at her on several different days.

“Wow!” I said. “Didn’t he see your wedding ring?”

“Yes, but that didn’t seem to bother him.”

That’s when we refilled our coffee cups and began round-tabling the subject of open marriage. Nate and I had talked about this new trend weeks earlier with a different set of friends, astounded that any thinking person would condone such an idea – husbands and wives inviting other partners into their relationship. (Illustration by Ben Barrett-Forrest/The Globe and Mail)

But there we were, chatting with close friends… and they liked this bizarre idea, too. We tried to convince them it would destroy their marriage, while they tried to convince us it was the open-minded, free-thinking, modern way to live.

The chasm between our opinions widened as the hours of our chocolate-cake-break passed, and our introducing God’s Word into the mix only made matters worse.

As Nate and I covered the leftover cake and turned out the kitchen light, we concluded it was these opposing views that were responsible for the tension between us. Scripture was black and white about marriage, but our friends saw marriage as evolving into something different… to suit the times.

We worried about Cathy’s welfare in light of her professor’s advances. Though she assured us she wasn’t interested in this particular man, would she eventually say yes to someone else? And if she did, how could John really be OK with that?

We also wondered if tonight’s friction would cloud our next get-together. Would the same discussion continue where we left off? Or would we go back to being compatible by just avoiding the topic? And most concerning of all, would we still be friends?

“Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” (Proverbs 18:24, The Message)

Newlywed Love (#105)

Posted on November 8, 2017 by Margaret

October 3-5, 1970

On Saturday morning we invited my old carpool buddy Linda and her husband Ron over for an early breakfast. We hadn’t connected since the summer and wanted to swap stories of how things were going in our new schools.

It was an especially cold morning, so Nate built a fire to make our get-together special. I scrambled eggs and made toast while the coffee percolated, and everything was ready when they walked in the door.

The four of us shared lively conversation around the table until mid-morning, and Linda commiserated with me over my ongoing 80 mile round-trip to Danville each day. Her new commute was about 3 miles.

But we reminisced about how very special that year at McKinley School had been when Judy, Linda, and I were all newlyweds and new teachers together – a unique time in our lives. Progress would continue to separate us, but we hoped we would always remain friends, even if only long distance.

After they left, Nate and I decided to steal a couple of hours from his heavy study schedule to visit our favorite place – Allerton Park. The leaves were turning, and I was especially enamored with the red sumac and its velvety, crimson cones. After picking an arm-load of branches and collecting a bag-full of the cones, I couldn’t wait to decorate our classroom for the season.

Nate gathered pine cones for an art project that would happen closer to Christmas. Then, once our work was done, we spent some quality time together on a blanket drinking coffee and munching on red licorice.

When we got home, I spread out my autumn collection on the table and thought about the many creative suggestions my students were sure to offer about how to use it all.

The next day, Sunday, included another lively discussion in the young couples’ group. Our class name was J.O.Y. — Jesus, others, and you — but lately it lacked joy and was more like a debate competition. Martin wasn’t there, but another young husband, Warren, took his place.

He didn’t criticize the pastor but made a fool of himself with senseless arguing. Once again Nate jumped in, and I felt sorry for Pastor Ralph as he tried to wrangle the discussion back on topic.

After church and Sunday school, Nate and I followed our usual Sunday routine: eggs for brunch, the Chicago Sunday Tribune spread all over the bed, and then a nap.

I told Nate I was glad our first home wasn’t in either of our home towns. That way we didn’t get swept into the weekend schedules of all the relatives but held more tightly to each other – a good way to start a marriage.

“He lets me rest in green meadows. He leads me beside peaceful streams.” (Psalm 23:2)

Newlywed Love (#104)

Posted on November 7, 2017 by Margaret

October 1-2, 1970

Indian Summer was over, and the first frost had blanketed Champaign. We were delighted to be using our fireplace again and often ate dinner in front of it.

Both of us were glad we hadn’t succumbed to the summertime temptation to move. I had wanted to exchange our fireplace for Country Fair’s swimming pool, but now their pool was closed after just 3 months – and we would get to enjoy cozy fires for the next 6 months.

We continued our evening walks (dressed in jackets and shoes now) while talking about the many decisions we would soon have to make. When our lease ran out in August of 1971, we’d be moving… but where? Which city? What address? And would Nate be a civilian, or would the Army own him? If the Army, where would he be stationed? Which state? Or… the worst question mark of all… would he be sent to Vietnam?

If he wasn’t on active duty, might he be working at a law job? And just to be prepared for this possibility, when should he take the Bar Exam? Would he pass it on the first try? And if not, where would he work before being able to re-take the exam? And where would I be working? Without certification and with provisional openings now eliminated, what would I be doing?

Nate and I would lie awake in bed long into the night pondering these questions. But no matter how we guessed what might happen, not one question had a firm answer. The process was exhausting, and though we knew God would eventually replace every question mark with a period, the not-knowing was wearing.

Finally, we decided the best approach would be to dwell on whatever had been decided – the things without question marks.

Our faith in Christ came first and was strong. We were being spiritually nourished at our church and enjoyed a mentor-type relationship with Pastor Ralph and his wife Lottie. We had supportive, loving families on both sides and a bright future. And with friends galore, our calendar was full of happy get-togethers.

As we talked quietly in the safety and comfort of each other’s arms, we counted our marriage as one of the very best things without a question mark. Our newlywed year was almost over, and through the months we had become more and more attached, never bored or frustrated. Actually, there were many days when we just couldn’t get enough of each other.

Both of us felt free to be ourselves with no need to play any relationship games, which made for a stress-free marriage and a happy home. Though the list of questions loomed large and sometimes seemed to threaten, as we drifted off to sleep their influence almost always faded — having given way to the rock-solid affirmations that didn’t have any question marks at all — and never would.