New symptoms make life miserable on this day, but Nelson forges ahead anyway.

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October 2, 2022

Had the weirdest dream last night. I can’t even explain it really. Lots of people, sort of like being in high school again. I was young, not married, and infatuated with a girl I was chasing around the whole time. But, like my real high school time, I never had the courage to talk to her, so nothing happened.

Last night was long. Lots of sweating through the sheets over and over. Changed shirts about 6 times, each time they were soaked right through. Woke up at 6am and had really bad diarrhea a couple time. Who knows if it will continue. I hope not.

We have church this morning. It will probably be a pretty full day if I’m not locked in the bedroom sick. I do the best I can. Lord, I pray for the strength to make it through today, and that I don’t have the C-Diff or some other sickness. Maybe it was just withdrawal from the morphine that I’ve toned down on.

You are God of today, and you made this day, Lord. And I’m happy to be here and to have the blessings I have. I’m so thankful for Annso and how she manages Will. He’s a little handful, but she does so much walking and entertaining, and he’s thriving. I pray for a blessing over her. I pray she would feel fulfilled in this place, which I think she is.

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“Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.” (Psalm 37:3)

In this entry Nelson talks about his favorite thing to do.

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October 1, 2022

Thank you for Annso and that she’s young enough to have children and I can be a father. What a huge blessing. Many guys my age are getting remarried to women with older kids and have older kids themselves. That’s reality. I’m grateful for where I am, even though it’s a lot of work. Of course right now, she does the majority of it and never complains at all.

These days I have to set boundaries [about visitors], which works, but it’s this guilty feeling for pushing away people who love me and are nice, but most of the time it’s just too much. I dismiss it to the cancer, saying to myself, “I just do it because I’m not feeling great.” But that might not always be true. Lord, help me not to be selfish, but to set the right boundaries. I don’t know how to do it, but you do.

I love having uninterrupted time with Annso and Little Will. That’s my favorite. Just the 3 of us. Today is Saturday, and it took me until last night to even realize it was Friday when people were talking about the weekend.

We are having trouble getting the chemo drugs refilled by the insurance company again. We have to go to a different pharmacy now. A little red tape, but I know you will help us Lord. You have had them pay for everything so far. We have been so fortunate in that way. I can hardly believe they have covered everything. Thank you.

8:00 pm – Will screamed for a full 25 minutes tonight, then when he heard us cleaning up dinner, again for another 10. It’s quite impressive, really, but so stressful as parents. God knew what he was doing when he created crying and the way it sounds.

That blood-curdling screaming a 6 month old can belt out is something else. If I screamed like that for 5 or 6 breaths, I’d probably be in the hospital with a brain aneurysm, and he does it like it’s nothing for 30 minutes straight.

He can do it for a full hour. But going in to him accomplishes nothing but teaches him to cry more often to get Annso to come in and hold him at the drop of a hat.

I’m all for the Cry It Out philosophy. It works, and if you don’t do it, you can easily see what the parents who don’t let them cry it out have to deal with. They get no time together in the evenings, and the little ones stay up until 11 or 12 midnight. The poor parents are waiting until the child decides they’re ready to go to bed. No thanks.

On a different note, I am going another step off the morphine slow-release. It’s not because I care about taking morphine, because you can’t even feel anything from it. Nonetheless, you sure can tell when you cut the slow release out.

I feel like I have a flu with all my energy sapped. It’s tough and lasts about a week after the pill. I’m familiar with it because I went from 30 to 15mg and now, from 2 per day to 1 in the mornings only.

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“There is a time for every matter under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

It’s difficult to be the person everyone wants to help, when you wish you could help too, instead of always being on the receiving end. Nelson hashes this out in his journal.

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October 1, 2022

The Lord says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

It’s in the reading for today as we plow through the Bible as a couple. This is our second time.

Mike and Judy came to town yesterday, stayed from about 1pm to 6pm. We ate at the First Noodle restaurant, went and walked around our house to show it to them, came back to our apartment, they walked, I took a nap, then looked at the fish tank, and then they took off.

They are good friends. We are grateful for them. Lots of relationships come out of our time in YWAM. Probably the place I’ve met the majority of my friends, including Annso. To think, I first heard about it back at Anderson University in 1995.

Seems like a different life, and it really was ages ago. I think back to the decisions I made then and how I didn’t pray or take counsel from anyone. Even being in YWAM, I never picked that up. It took booze kicking my butt to really help me get the obedience thing down as being important.

If Jesus isn’t my LORD and Savior, I wouldn’t be too sure he’s in my life at all. It’s probably just a made up thing to console ourselves that everything will be ok in the end.

First day of October. I’m glad. Our house closes on the 26^th, and it can’t get here soon enough. Mostly because of the stress of having the loose ends hanging out there and the uncertainty of it.

Will it close? Will there be surprises? Will the bank pull something out of thin air at the last moment? Oh well. I’m doing my best, and the best I can do is good enough. “Be still and know that I am God.” That’s the Word, and I take those words and hold onto them.

Funny, I’m the only one of the 7 kids in my family that doesn’t own a house or property. I think Spencer and Britt are between houses, but it’s only because they can’t find the right one. I don’t know. Seems like it will work in the end here, and I’m so grateful, because it’s God fighting our battles for us.

I would say that’s a huge theme front and center in my life these days. Let God do it, and what that normally looks like is let the people who God sends, help me. Let Ralph and Astrid, let Mark and Brenda, Mike and Judy, anyone and everyone else he sends. “Be still and KNOW that I am God.”

The sun doesn’t come up until 7:05 am, which I really love. So much nicer easing into the day instead of shooting into it like a rocket. Thank you Lord, for these peaceful mornings. Thank you for the “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.”

My only regret is not getting on with that sooner, but you are merciful and redeem lost time like nobody’s business. I sure did waste my share of it. Please forgive me for that.

(…to be continued)

“The Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you…” (Deuteronomy 20:4)